A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf for 21 months - nearly two years. We have a beautiful 1 year old son together. I have two kids at home with me so two toddlers. Last night though, out of nowhere he turned around and told me he fell out of love with me over the course of the last 15 months which crushed me and broke my heart and I am finding it very difficult to cope with the information he decided to give me. Horrified, hurt and angry, I somehow kept as calm as I could but I was more upset and simply asked him why he kept that quiet for so long if he didn't love me anymore? He is now acting like a totally different individual towards me. He is so defensive and angry and seems to be rude and discourteous so now I try to avoid him and any interactions with him as I do not want a tense or bad atmosphere to occur for the sake of the kids. I told him to move out then because I didn't see the point of him staying living with me if he had an inability to love me. It hurt my inner core to say it to him because I want it to work out with him. I really do. I am loyal to him. I asked him if there was someone else and to be just honest as our sex life has dwindled to nothing and its so bad its once every two weeks if I am lucky..its not even that. Anyway he said he had no-one else and the job he once hated he seems to be liking it much better than before.It's only min wage which means we never have money to go out to a restaurant or date..so end up cooking at home always which has become a real drag. I find it HORRIBLE when I try to ignore his calls to show him that I have my own life and to show him that he has not got to me but he has. I'm 31. I told him I want a secure relationship and deserve real love by now..I'm losing weight. Have trouble sleeping and eating...my self-esteem feels in tatters. I feel depressed and alone and I can't even stomach to talk to a close friend even. I feel deceived that he lead me on for all this time. That he was just another time waster. I took him away for a holiday when his birthday came around - he never made much efforts with mine apart from the restaurant because he gives me most of his pay check which pays for all the kids stuff and childcare and he told me at the time oh I wish you hadn't but now I know why he wishes I hadn't. He never had sex with me there once. I thought if we went away and changed the scene it might re-trigger old feelings he once had for me. It never did. I felt HORRIBLY rejected and upset. I am a good-looking woman..so I asked him straight out why didn't we get it on at least once...why has the sex fizzled to nothing since I had the baby so the truth is apparently I have a 'revolting' personality and he doesn't like the man he has become with me and that apparently I have his balls. Ouch. He starts to think that breaking up with me is a good idea. I have to talk to him due to the 2 kids care as he fills in every day for the childcare worker. So doing full no contact is really impossible which is fueling to my existing depression over this situation. He told me he didn't want to move out as he thought the mother of his child would starve as I am relying on him to pay me so that I can buy basic groceries even though I have a good job but I no longer see the paycheck after paying all the monthly bills and rent. I was a single mother of one when he got with me and I feared that if I let him into me and my child's life he would end up letting us down for a change of feelings or whatever. Now my 2.5 year old daughter is mega-attached to him right now and just asks for him and although he is at least a great dad to the kids - he is not being great with me. He is now rude to me as he thinks I treat him like a 2nd class citizen. I don't. I don't namecall him. I don't do anything disrespectful and I speak in calm hushed tones so I am at a total loss to understand why he is acting up like this...what the hell is this? I am starting to sob again so going to finish this off. I am actually in love with the guy. My first child died on me and for the first time in 5 years I put his name on my dead daughter's flowers...that was my way of saying finally I have met the one to her. But now he turns around one month later and shortly after our son's first birthday and wants to call a quits on us. If he moves out the child support money will be less as he has to pay elsewhere and is not willing to pay what he is currently giving me. He told me if we were ever to heal our relationship it could take up to a year for that to happen but I am worried that now that he has let me down horribly - how can I trust that he won't do the same thing again to me after another year?? He has been divorced twice. I have never been married. He never offered to put a ring on my finger once in all this shambles of a relationship - apparently it was a fleeting thought before I had the baby to do so. Little did I know he was actually falling out of love with me before I went in to have him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to anyone who responded - it got worse - he somehow let it slip in conversation that he feels he is 'settling for me' ouch then immediately after he said that he said he mis-spoke. I don't know what to make of that. He also said to me oh go and see a therapist - which I found completely patronizing so I told him I felt that was an insensitive thing to say to me even if it was 5 years ago. He then goes oh I'm not like the man who cheated on you two weeks after your daughter died. But then I said to him well you are (kind of) apart from the cheating as you are bringing it all back for me due to the lack of a sex life - sorry. I'm having nightmares again and the agony I had - that rawness is coming back and shaking me to my inner core at night-time. I can't stomach to talk to anyone but yes the ups are at least he is a great dad with the kids - he is just failing our couple if anything. We don't fight about bills or anything - I just pay them. If I want to go out with the kids its like as if he never wants to go out and would rather laze around the house than be proactive and help me take them out and that leads to bad feelings cos of the difference of opinions. He also tried to tell me I had his balls...but I really don't and to be honest I am just trying my level best to ignore him during the day now cos even if I cry he seems to not even notice how bad he is being towards me anymore. He is v defensive though about almost anything and I can't understand why cos I don't look for fights with him either.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I'm surprised someone who sounds like such a jerk is a GREAT dad. Just his physical presence doesn't make him great. If he can't respect their mother then he's not worth it. If he wants to be roommate s or something tell him no. Even if you have to get on food stamps its better than being in a bad relationship. I would feel hurt too thats no normal. If you keep letting him stay he will only hurt you all more. Your daughters are young enough that when they are older they won't remember this time anyway. Don't thinkIt would be better for them to be around angry unhappy parents. It won't. I see more talk about bills and work and kids and not much about your undying love for him and desire to be with him so maybe you aren't feeling the love so much and he's been more of a security blanket for you and your kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): He has been married twice before? Wow, he has got problems! Sounds like he likes the rush of being in a new relationship and when reality hits...bang!! He can no longer face it. At least this is what it sounds like. People have no staying power these days. If they dont feel the same as when they first met they think they must have 'fallen out of love'. But, really? Some people are lazy in relationships and think that the icky loved up feeling lasts forever...it doesnt! Also when someone loves you or in his case, has loved you. He should at least RESPECT you. Once the respect has gone for each other in a relationship then there is little hope it can heal. That and trust. I think he thinks he can just discard you like a used rag and find something better. Well, he is going to get a shock when he realises that the grass is not always greener. And if he continues to treat his partners this way, he will end up to be a very lonely old man indeed.
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A
male
reader, mdmaddox11  +, writes (25 October 2012):
A lot of times people get into relationships and think that they are ok until the hard times come and they aren't able to deall with the hardships. I think that you guys need to take an inventory of yourselves and decides what makes you happy. Ask each other what you guys expect of each other and decided if that is a reasonable expectation. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (25 October 2012):
 Hi
You have had to cope with the worst a mother can,losing a child.So sorry.
I don't know that you can heal this relationship,you must have gotten pregnant almost as soon as you met, this keeps some people together out of obligation,he has tried,he didn't just walk away.You have also tried to make it work.
However his attitude now is rotten,you don't need this with all the other commitments you have and the atmosphere must be soul destroying.
You need to tell him to go,he will have to pay you some money.You have 2 lovely children,you work and your a strong person,you WILL get through it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): I'm so sorry for the hurt you are going thru & for the loss of a child. So I'm understanding, he wants to end the relationship, but doesn't want to move out? I wish there were words I could offer to make you feel better. All you can do is what is best for you & your children. Living together under those circumstances will do more harm then good. You say he was divorced twice, maybe he did the same to them.
Do you have family/or friends you could stay with at least for a little while.
You need to focus on the good in your life, you are blessed to have 2 children & you are fortunate to have a job. Don't waste your love on someone who can't return it.
I wish you all the best.
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