A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My long distance boyfriend of two years flew back home yesterday after a two week visit for Christmas and New Year. Because of the extent of distance involved (try me in Australia and him in Europe) whenever we see each other, it is usually for at least a full month every six months due to costs and work commitments. Despite this we are a very committed couple, and neither of us have had the desire or incentive to cheat.The last time he was here in Australia (before this year's short Christmas visit) was January through to July of 2007 (for six months, he was studying). It was also the first time he met my family, and fortunately for me they think he's the best thing since sliced bread. When he returned home after the six months, he began work as an apprentice and started a life of 9 hour workdays, five days a week, with an hour and a half of transport to-and-from his workplace to boot. It was a massive change in his lifestyle and from that point on I was always concerned about his physical and mental health, like whether he was getting enough sleep. He insisted he could manage and continues to say so.Since 2007 I have visited him in Europe twice, but because he took time off work, he appeared happy and healthy and ecstatic to have me there. I didn't think so much about how his work life might be affecting him, because he was lavishing most of his time and attention on me.Now fast forward to this year's Christmas visit. He was extremely jetlagged (or so he claimed) for the whole two weeks he was here, spent most of his time playing computer games, and didn't want to go out (he would only go out if I dragged him along). The only family or friends of mine that he met were ones that came to our house. I felt like he had locked himself up in his own little world, and that he was treating a rare opportunity to spend time with me as more of a chance to just sit back and do nothing for two weeks, with me around as a novelty.I respected that he probably wanted to relax because he deserved a break from work, but at the same time it was the only chance he would get to see me for the next six months and he barely noticed I was around. A few days before he left I had a serious talk to him about the amount of time he was spending on video games and how it was hurting my feelings that he didn't want to do anything with me. It's not that we needed to go out to fancy restaurants, but I would have liked it if he had paid more attention to me instead of making me fight for his attention over a computer screen. One time he actually had the nerve to tell me that I could "just talk to him while he was on the computer".Then after me and my family returned from the airport to see him off, my mother talked to me about how much my boyfriend had changed and that she had noticed how withdrawn and self-centered he had become since she had last seen him in 2007. Then it started to hit me that something was wrong. I hope it is just work-related stress but it could be something to do with our relationship as well. I feel like he's just not as interested in me as he used to be. Video games have never really been a huge issue in our relationship before since I sometimes enjoy them myself, but now I feel like I'm being substituted.How can I talk to my boyfriend about this now? I won't get to talk to him until tomorrow afternoon because he'll still be on the plane, but I don't want to greet him with something like "oh I'm glad you're home safe but now we need to have a serious talk". I don't want to be a bitch but I am seriously concerned about our relationship and think he might be depressed or no longer in love with me. How long should I take before I bring it up? Can I do anything?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to him about it and I was right about most of it... he was treating it more like a holiday away from work responsibilities, as well a chance to spend time with me. All he wanted to do was relax and he didn't want to feel pressured into doing anything, and because I wasn't pressuring him into anything he thought it was all okay with me. The only difference was that I wanted to spend more time with him than he wanted to with me. This imbalance meant that he thought we were fine when I was really crying out for attention.
Thanks for your advice I am glad we have somewhat got it sorted. There is still a lot to address but so far it looks better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): I think it is very difficult to have a long distance relationship, especially after a couple of years of long distance. His unwillingness to spend time with you may be his way of handling the "distance" that has grown between the two of you.....he no longer feels that emotional connection and he is protecting himself and you from having to be confronted with it....he is probablyh in denial and so are you.
I think you can just tell him that you are "concerned" about the two of your relationship and that you wish he would stop wasting an opportunity to reconnect with each other by playing video games.....and ask him if he wants to continue the reltionship or if it has become too hard for him.
Personally, I have been in a long distance relationship and it SUCKS. It doesn't mean that you don't love each other, that said, love needs to be in the same vicinity where it can be nurtured and tended to or it dies.
It really is a matter of timing for love relationships to work out. Perhaps this relationship has run its course and rather than making your boyfriend feel horrible about the growing distance between you, you might agree to date other people and see what happens....it is a lot to ask someone to be faithful in abscencia for over two long years.
I am sorry this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but it is the truth. My wish is for you is to let each other go with love or to make the move to make your relationship a non long distance one and soon.
Take care and best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): I realise that the situation is very touchy. Try and plan out a day out with him. a movie and lunch or day at some mall or whatever youd like to. invite him for dinner and cook him something special. While hes at your place , ask him to rest his head in your lap and talk to him. dont just go like whats wrong with you. just say you have missed him alot.hows his work and everything? its really hard for guys to express what they feel compared to girls alot of them dont like to share their problems coz of some ego issues. try to understnd him. act like you understnd him completely and still love him a lot and he shall open up to you .. but when you first want to know anythin, just dont complain. this will just make him more frustrated and he just wudnt want to talk. i hope that helps
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