A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I recently met a man and we fell deeply in love. He is everything, I ever dreamed of and more. My boyfriend has a lot of friends from highschool and they are big party animals. Included in this group is an ex girlfriend. My boyfriend says there has not been any intimacy in ten years. However, he has pictures of the two of them plastered all over his facebook page from trips they took together (in a group) and they look like boyfriend and girlfriend. My boyfriend explained to me he has no feelings for her. I was not a fan of hers just from some of her inappropriate Facebook pictures , for example she has her vagina against a womens butt. Despite that, I wanted to give it a try and initiate a friendship with her, (the feeling was not reciprocated). Since, this group hangs out together and parties a lot. I was out with my boyfriend and another couple and she came up and hugged everyone and dismissed me loud and clearly. She has not been supportive our of relationship with my boyfriend and calls him and texts him all the time. She gets pissed off if she is not included in plans. To top it off, she has a boyfriend she is cheating on . She has had an affair with her boss for years. She had the affair while her bosses wife was pregnant. Needless to say, I have no respect for this women. Now, this is causing problems in my relationship because I want nothing to do with this toxic, manipulative women. My boyfriend said what do you want me to do about it? I told him he needs to figure out what to do about it. I am not available to be out when this group is out partying and she makes me very uncomfortable. How do I handle this? Any advice is appreciated. I am not the controlling type at all, but this women is toxic to other women and is a big player with men.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Auntie_C +, writes (8 February 2015):
 I love how a random poster can tell you to get over it. I'm guessing it hits a little close to home for them? Lol... Anyways I happen to agree that she sounds extremely toxic. But men are weird, they literally ignore it or pretend to be oblivious to it all. Unfortunately there's not much to do if you want to continue on with him other than accept things for how they are or leave if you can't. He has the right to hang out with that group including her just as much as you have the right to not deal with it. And to be honest, I personally wouldn't deal with it. Anyways take care and God bless.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): She sounds vile. And very dominant.And I think the others who are telling you to get over it and try to like her are wrong to make you feel like this is your fault.On the other hand, she's used to having power within this group and she sees you as a threat. You can bet she's insecure underneath all of this but she'll be damned if she will show it. And at the moment, you are playing into her attempts to deprive you of any power - when you stay home and/or back off from her, she's winning because she's forcing you into an invisible position. If you make ultimatums, she's still winning, because she's weakening the relationship between you and your guy. I've been in situations like this, where my boyfriend has been totally oblivious and not at all understanding when a woman treats me like this. The others are right that giving an ultimatum to him won't work. In my case I just left my partner because I realised what an idiot he and his friends were.If you really want to stay, then think of her as a child who must keep playing up to get attention and just sit and sit and sit and sit and sit it all out. It will be hard work, but eventually she will just wear herself out trying to put you in your place. Don't not go out, don't react to her when she tries to make you feel isolated or not included. Don't react when she puts you down. The only thing she will respond to is a show of a different kind of strength on your part. You'll never get on, you'll never be friends, she'll never change and you don't have to like her. But don't be intimidated by her. The stronger you seem the more she will go full blast trying to unsettle you. It will get worse before it gets better. Don't get caught up in competing with her for your husband's attention or she'll sense that she's got to you. All of her actions towards you are aimed at unsettling you and weakening you because she's insecure underneath. Sit it out and eventually she will stop.
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A
female
reader, Auntie_C +, writes (6 February 2015):
I love how a random poster can tell you to get over it. I'm guessing it hits a little close to home for them? Lol... Anyways I happen to agree that she sounds extremely toxic. But men are weird, they literally ignore it or pretend to be oblivious to it all. Unfortunately there's not much to do if you want to continue on with him other than accept things for how they are or leave if you can't. He has the right to hang out with that group including her just as much as you have the right to not deal with it. And to be honest, I personally wouldn't deal with it. Anyways take care and God bless.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 February 2015):
 I really am shocked that you are my age and acting like you are 16...
IF you do not like this woman, you don't like her. that's your choice.
IF you want to give your boyfriend the "her or me" ultimatum I fear you will lose. I had friends who told me "us or him" when I was first dating my husband. We are no longer friends... the person that makes the ultimatum often loses.
"her vagina on another woman's butt" I would like to see that picture.. cause the images in my head are not working too well.
ever hear of the expression "hold your friends close and your enemies closer"? you have deemed her the enemy...
she is only toxic if you give her power... give her no power over you (kill her with kindness) and the problem will go away even if the woman does not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): Everything wise owl said.I must be honest reading this I thought the age was under 30! Your bf is not going to suddenly be able to cut her out of his life as they are in the same friendship circle, one that has lasted the year of time and will probably continue to do so.You have the option to accept this, and genuinely try and be nice to her and the rest of the group or you leave your bf. If you're going to be in a relationship but any time he is in a group with her, without you, you are suspicious then what sort of relationship is that? Neither of you deserve that sort of negativity, it's not healthy and it would drag both of you down.Do you hand on heart believe you gave it your best shot with this lady? Also, she barely knows you so why would she come and hug you like the others? You are the newcomer to this group, you need to prove you're going to treat their friend well and be a good partner to him, so make the effort with all of them a little more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): These people are in their 50's or 60's. They've known each other since high school. They've been around for each others weddings, child-births, divorces, and will attend each others funerals. Friends to the end.
Seriously?!!
Everyone has gray hair and a lot more weight and wrinkles than back in the day. Just a happy-go-lucky bunch of partying senior citizens. They even use Facebook and social media like a bunch of sun-dried teeny-boppers! What a hip group of folks! They sound like a lot of fun!
I nearly bust my side laughing at that odd comment about his ex touching another woman's butt with her vagina. You can't be serious!
I say it on this site all the time. Women can see through each other. Women seem to know when another woman is faking "nice." Even if she has the acting abilities of Meryl Streep. Like when you have a smirk, instead of a smile! That's a dead giveaway! She ignores you and doesn't hug you; because your stare sends daggers her direction. You didn't try to blend into the group, you snobbishly judged everyone. She's just crude and rude enough to call you on it. She's a delightful card-carrying bitch!
You say you tried to be nice to her. Well, she saw right through you. She knows you don't like her; because she read your expression and picked-up on your snobbish attitude the first time you met her. Like you don't approve of her, and your jealousy glows like a neon sign around you. She has been around the block a few times and back. So she's not going to change her style, or fake it for your sake.
The fact she was a friend before you entered the picture sort of puts you in the position to just grin and bear it.
If she and your boyfriend have a history and they've been friends for ions, it isn't likely she's going anywhere.
I have to ask the same question your boyfriend asked. What do you expect him to do about it? You're the one with the problem with her.
Here's what you can do. Be gracious, bite your tongue, smile, and she'll probably grow on you. There is yet another option.
You can dump your boyfriend, along with all his old friends.
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A
female
reader, Auntie_C +, writes (4 February 2015):
I love how a random poster can tell you to get over it. I'm guessing it hits a little close to home for them? Lol... Anyways I happen to agree that she sounds extremely toxic. But men are weird, they literally ignore it or pretend to be oblivious to it all. Unfortunately there's not much to do if you want to continue on with him other than accept things for how they are or leave if you can't. He has the right to hang out with that group including her just as much as you have the right to not deal with it. And to be honest, I personally wouldn't deal with it. Anyways take care and God bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): This woman you speak of has been around waaaay before you came on the scene. The decision if NOT up to you to kick her from the group. GET OVER IT and focus on being happy with your bf. Deep down you are just insecure she may try to get with your bf...
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