A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mom has this strange habit, and I´m curious as to what it means.I´ve never been married and not sure I want to be. I have this childhood friend, and I only think of him as a friend. He´s a good friend and I like him as a person but he isn´t my type at all. I´m not sure how he feels about me. I´ll call him Wade, because that´s not his real name. :)My mom has obviously taken a liking to this guy, and for the last couple years she has been saying things that border on creepy. She´s always praising Wade and talking about how wonderful he is. That´s ok to do. However, she talks to my aunts on the telephone about what a shame it is that Wade, who is so wonderful, is interested in me and that I turned my nose up at him. She makes me out to be a snob who thinks myself too good. I play the guitar, which is my passion, but my mom once scolded me, saying that I play the guitar too much and that I need to focus on other stuff like cooking a meal, because I need to prepare for marriage. She has hinted that I should have a relationship with Wade.I´m not trying to be mean but I´m not attracted to this guy physically. One time he tried to kiss me, and I panicked and told him that I was coming down with a cold and didn´t want him to catch it (I lied, by the way). I told my mom and she made me feel guilty for not kissing him. I feel like I have a right not to kiss someone and I wasn´t cruel to him.She made it out that I´d committed a crime!I love my mom with my whole heart and think she wants the best for me... but she defines best differently than I do.My mom keeps bringing up the topic of marriage and both my parents are begging for grandchildren. It breaks my heart because I love my parents and want them happy, and I know what it feels like for your heart´s desire to be out of reach, but I need to be free.I don´t have much basis for comparison, but a close friend, who is from another country, said that he was under the impression that American moms typically don´t pick out a person to encourage their daughter to marry. Like I said, I haven´t had an extensive sampling of Moms, American or otherwise.I´m in Spain right now and it´s 2 in the morning and cold and my friends are all asleep, otherwise I wouldn´t be at the computer, I´d be doing something. My mom freaked out when I told her I was going to Spain and she tried to talk me out of it. In two days, I return to the states, and I´m feeling really sad because I love it here. Every time I write my mom and dad, I tell them I love Spain and wonder how I´ll ever get back, but they always ignore that comment. They just want me to rush home. There´s a reason they keep ignoring my comment.In society, people are expected to marry ´their own kind´ I´m an American and Floridian but I love Hispanic guys and wish I were Hispanic because I identify with the culture. Wade is the quintessential boy-next-door.I am NOT racist, and despise prejudice, but I am just not attracted to white American guys. Nothing wrong with them. It´s just that it´s what I grew up with, and it´s so boring to date or marry someone with the exact same cultural background. No surprises, no adventure. My mom says those are the marriages that work, but who the hell wants to be bored for 50 years?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): Thanks for your advice, and for listening to me.
No, no, no... what I mean to say is, that I don´t think my mom is crazy or a bad person, I love my mother a lot.
She is a fundamentally good person who has done good things for me, but it just kills me to hear her saying negative things about me and implying that I´m stuck up and that I turned up my nose at Wade. I just think of him as a friend, nothing more.
She´s just very different from me. She feels that people need to be in relationships with someone from as similar a background as possible... same culture, same country, same state, preferably same hometown and same highschool. I ove my mom but don´t agree with this.
Thanks for listening to me!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): If you don't want to love Wade, then don't. You don't have to. That is totally your choice.
But if at some point you do decide that you do not want to be alone (which I think your mother assumes you will), I suggest you introduce whomever you do want to love to your parents. Family is a powerful and GOOD thing. And it sounds like you have a good family that has your best interest in mind. Make whomever you want to love a part of your family, even if it is not Wade.
Although, since I really cannot claim to have the same kind of familial support system that I believe you have, I may just be living out a desire in my mind :P
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