A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For the past week, I have been leaving the house I share with my parents at 7 am and coming home at around 10 - 11 pm. This whole thing is very unusual for me. I have gone nowhere and done nothing all summer. I work and come home. Now I work, and go hang out with a guy I really like.I have gone on one sleep over this week, my first of the summer, at his house, where I left 7 am on the day and came home 11 pm on the next day so I could spend lots of time with him.Today, I told my mom I wanted to sleep over at a friends house again. She got extremely irritable. She demanded to know why I would need to sleep over with my friend when "I just saw them, why do you need to spend more time with them" She then demanded that I stay home for at least one night, and be home early. She said she hadnt seen me in days. She asked that I text her to tell her where I am and when I am coming home. When I dont answer her texts immediately, she tattles to my father and tells him how I dont answer "what could I be doing?" and they get all suspicious together.My father wants to know what time I am leaving the house for work and when I get off work and where I am going from there. When I went on my sleepover, he wanted the address of the friend as well as the friends cell number written on paper for him so he said he could "get a hold of me in an emergency" He implied he would not let me go if I didnt provide this for him.I'm really angry about this. Why do I have to defend where Im going? Im having to make up lies and excuses just so I can hang out with my friends all day...in the summer?! What right does my mom have to tell me how many times I can sleep over in a week, for more than two days??I also have to lie about going to places like my university at night, because my parents are worried I will get attacked on the way home and its irresponsible for me to go alone. How do I handle this, please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): K_c100, it seems you misunderstood me. I do not spend all week out "sleeping" at my friends houses nor is my house a "dumping ground" for my stuff.I stated I spent 1 night away. One. I have had one sleepover all summer, and my mum is being reasonable about suddenly demanding I never do that again more than once in a week? How does this make my house a dumping ground? I've been there all summer, being with and supporting my family. I also slept at home the other 6 nights that week. My parents have forced me to end every relationship they found out I had so being honest is not currently an option. I have been upfront is the past and told them I have a boyfriend. Their response has been to tell me to break up with him. I have talked to counselors about this. They agree it is not fair for me to have to wait to have a relationship until I move out. This is the reason for my dishonesty, so to speak. Otherwise, I'd never be able to date.iamheretohelpyouI'm not sure how moving out makes would result in someone being a spoiled brat. I was only asking posters on help for how to get more freedom from my parents. Their rules are not flexible or reasonable. Maybe that is hard to convey through my question but there is much backstory to this...such as the fact that my younger sibling who is a boy may have a curfew of 1 am whereas I am denied this. This is not fair treatment and I am trying to work to find a way in which I can be allowed to spend more time out as well.blonde30'sI will take your advice and inform them about the taxi idea. I think it will soothe their fears a bit. I also do know this boy well, it seems like my wording was taken as a FWB relationship, that was my mistake I should have clarified. We just talked all night, and I am taking things very slowly but I agree I will need to inform them at some point if we do decide to go out.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (15 August 2012):
 Unfortunately while you live under their roof you have to live by their rules - if you dont like it well you will have to move out.
They are only concerned about your safety when they ask for emergency numbers etc, parents worry that you might be out drinking and clubbing all night, so they just want a phone number to check that you are where you claim to be. I know it is a bit over-protective, but they love you and want you to be safe, is that really so bad? Its not difficult to provide a phone number and it puts their mind at ease, so I think you should just let it go and not get so worked up about it.
So why is your mum demanding to know why you are wanting to spend so much time with this friend? Because she probably knows you are lying to her and this guy is more than a friend, so she is pushing you to come clean. After all if they know this 'friend' is a guy, they know there is more to it than simple 'friendship'. Parents dont like being lied to, all they want is honesty so that is why she is 'demanding' to know why you want to spend so much time with him. Perhaps if you were honest with your parents then they wouldnt get so suspicious! They are not stupid, they know that girls like boys and vice versa, and when you are having sleep overs at a boys house it is more than friendship. So they will be a bit pissed that you think they are so stupid they will fall for this 'friend' line. If you dont treat them like they are idiots and hide things from them then they might just give you a bit more freedom and treat you more like an adult.
I dont think it is unfair for your mum to ask you to sleep at your own house at least one night a week, your parents house isnt a hotel where you can dump your stuff, get your washing done, have a shower and go out again - these are your family and you are supposed to have some interest in them as well as this boy! Your family should be important to you, dont treat them like crap and they wont treat you like crap either. Try spending one or two nights a week at home, having dinner with your parents if possible and I'm sure you will see huge improvements in your relationship.
I know you like this guy and want to see him as much as possible, but you have to realise that there is more in your life than just guys and you have to treat the people that love you with respect. Your family are always going to be there for you, chances are this guy is not. Spend a bit of time with your parents, show them some respect and show them that you do actually care about them.
If you spend all your time with this guy your relationship will quickly fizzle out, you will soon have nothing to talk about and chances are he will get fed up of you being such a cling on all the time. A bit of mystery and distance in a new relationship can often be a good thing! And time apart helps you miss each other, making it more special when you see each other next. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder!
And as for going places on your own - of course your parents are right about this, it is so stupid for a girl to be walking around at night on her own! Why can you not get walked home by a friend, or ask your parents for a lift if you are really stuck?
So how do you handle this? Stop lying! This is your main problem which is creating the issues with your parents. If you came clean that this is a guy you like, not a friend, then they might understand why you want to be with him so much. If you didnt lie about where you go at night, they might offer to pick you up so you dont walk around alone at night where you are putting yourself at danger. If you spent a bit more time with your family and actually talk to them, rather than treating your family home as a hotel, then they might start treating you a bit better.
It is all about give and take with families, you have to give a bit to them so they will return the favour. Give it a try, and you might be pleasantly suprised.
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