A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf of 5 years has a friend who I can get on with but he's a bit annoying. Recently his friend came to stay for 5 days and it was very testing for me. It's one of his best friend's so I just smile and get on with it while he critisizes my cooking saying I need to use less of this or more of that or not put in a certain ingredient. I found this very rude. Especially since everyone wants to come to have dinner at our house because they like my cooking. When we went out he wanted to go to "independent small companies" which were a lot more expensive. We are saving for a mortgage and our jobs don't pay much so we don't have many nights out. We never eat at restaurant because my bf says whatever we can eat a restaurant I can cook anyway. When we went anywhere he rushed us at his pace. When my bf stopped to look in a window his friend told him come on hurry we don't have time. We went to a beach and he said he just wanted to look at it and get a picture. It was 5 days of his schedule and the only 5 days we had off together this year. The worst part was one of the days was my sister's birthday and she wanted to come and visit so we said we could only do Thursday Friday and saturday. He said "that ruins my plans" so when my sister cancelled because her husband got her bf off my bf said to his friend. That really annoyed me as if my sister's birthday was an inconvenience to his friend. So now he's saying to my bf if we want to go to his city to a rave and when he said we can't afford it he said to him to just go and leave me at home. Truth be told we don't like raves and that kind of scene as when we were younger we both struggled with drug issues and now we don't like to be around drugs, we don't smoke and we don't drink much. A lot of the other friends in the group have fallen out with him because he's quite unbearable. He's always complaining about peoples girlfriends. We're all in our 30s so most people have GFs yet he is still single which I don't even question why. He's quite intolerable but he's one of my bfs oldest friends so I know I cannot say anything or argue and I don't want to but he gets right on my nerves. Has anyone else had similar experiences and how do you handle annoying friends?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2019): He's obnoxious and toxic. So why does your boyfriend value him so much as a friend? If he has been rejected and dismissed by everybody else in your circle of friends, why does your boyfriend still put-up with him?
I think you need to sit-down and run all this by your partner. We're a group of strangers offering you advice that may not offer you any effective solutions.
Fortunately, the jerk doesn't live with you; so you only have to tolerate his shenanigans for as long as he's around.
Side note! Some guys keep their obnoxious-buddies around as buffers between them and their girlfriends. Their buddies are their alter-egos. What they truly are inside. His friend serves as a reminder that you don't get to choose or dismiss your boyfriend's friends. Even under protest and in spite of any reasonable argument to the contrary!
I can only speculate there may still be a bad-element remaining in your boyfriend that you're choosing to overlook. "Birds of a feather...," as they say !
Tell your boyfriend how you feel about his friend; and use the same examples you gave as your supporting-argument. If your boyfriend insists on seeing no evil, hearing no evil, and speaking no evil concerning his friend; then you will have no choice but to put-up, or shut-up! You don't even have to stay with him.
I would not suggest mingling and intertwining finances for debt and mortgages with people you're not married to. Let alone with someone with a past history of drug problems and having existing financial limitations. Things could go wrong, and your credit is shot! You could be stuck with enormous debt! The laws are weak and won't protect you, if you're not his spouse. This advice is usually ignored; but ignoring it usually leads to learning the hard-way. I offer it to you anyway!
If your boyfriend still clings to his most irresponsible and questionable of friends; you had better think twice before you get stuck with a mortgage between you. He could be heading for a relapse back into the old-days of drugs and drinking! If he can't part with people who still represent and perpetuate the worst of times in his life, he's teetering on whether he is really ready to let that life go!
Maturity teaches us that some friends you should outgrow and let-go; especially when everyone else recognizes their most intolerable character-traits! Yet your boyfriend doesn't care to acknowledge your concerns! He lets his friend insult you and takeover your household. Obviously, your boyfriend is a follower and not a leader!
If he is prone to yield to his friend's every whim and resists your every attempt to make him see the light; then your boyfriend is more like his friend than you want to admit to yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2019): You are in a tricky position because this man is one of your boyfriend's oldest friends. I can imagine that you would like to limit his visits, but don't want to tell your boyfriend who he can and cannot mix with, or how his visits are going to go. Understanding first of all that this man is a narcissist may help you to understand his behaviours. He literally thinks he is the most important person in the room. Or house, or whatever. And narcissistic men have a downer on women, because, again, he thinks he's better than everyone, but especially women. He cannot let you perform a task, such as cooking, without letting you know that he knows better (or rather, THINKS he does). He has an inflated sense of his own worth, which is one of the signs of narcissism/psychopathy. His needs are paramount. He doesn't register anybody else or their needs. IF this man had a partner, she would be in an abusive relationship, because this is exactly how abusive people act. The needs of others do not figure in their thinking. Ruining his plans are ALL that matters to him. He has a personality disorder and can't see the needs of others. Or if he can, they are not at all important to him. Pointing out that you also have needs, won't really get you anywhere. If he cared about that, you wouldn't be writing in. I don't know if it would help to get an article or two about narcissists and psychopathy and share them with your boyfriend. Point out their similarities. And state that perhaps, on his next visit, you would prefer to not be around. He can go somewhere with him and let you have your time. Or that the next time he wants to come visit for a few days, that you will both be busy, doing something he can't come along to. It doesn't have to be true, but it gets you out of a visit from him and it enables you to spend some time with your boyfriend. Does your boyfriend enjoy his time with him? The trouble is that people like him can be fun for a short time, depending on how your boyfriend likes to spend his time. If I was you I would make sure that I'm not around when he is. I realise that you and your boyfriend have little time off together, so if your boyfriend realises that you won't be around when his friend is around, he may limit his friend's visits. That's not trying to control your boyfriend, that's just looking out for your own sanity. Your boyfriend is free to go spend time with him, but you just won't be there. And if you educate your boyfriend on the personality disorders his friend is suffering from, then I think he will understand why. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 June 2019):
 You know you can set your own boundaries without getting into an argument, don't you? For instance, if he says "I want to go to independent small companies", say "That would be lovely if you are going to treat us but sadly we cannot afford to do that as we have different priorities for our money" and refuse to be guilt tripped into it. If he says "that ruins my plans", say "Sorry but we also have plans and they are important to us".
For the future try to keep his visits as short as possible. Make plans which suit YOUR budget and refuse to be bullied or guilt tripped into changing them. The sooner he learns that he does not rule the roost when he visits you, the easier it will be for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2019):
 Once the "friend" is gone HAVE a chat with your husband.
If he is still there... JUST let the two o them go out and see sights, you DO NOT have to hang with this friend. TAKE a break, visit your sister or call and talk with her.
If someone criticize your cooking, I'd suggest you tell them they are FREE to go buy the ingredients and cook their own food. Or simply not eat it.
As for ONLY wanting to want to go to independent small places, well THAT is nice, IF you have the money. I know micro breweries are "a thing" and a beer insanely expensive, but each to their own. WERE you guy supposed to PAY for him? When going out? I don't think so! He is a guest visiting doesn't mean you two adopted him and now have to pay for all his whims!
YOU and your husband NEED to learn how to A. say no and B set some boundaries.
I can tell you this, IF my husband had a friend like that.... I would be a cold place in Hades before he got to come visit again.
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