A
male
age
36-40,
*omezo07
writes:Hi there im new to this but i really need some advice from several caring people. my situation is my girlfriend comes from a long hard past and im the best thing that has happened to her. We are both nineteen but when she was 6 years old she lived in california and she had to be babysitted by a really good parents friend son he was about 20-23 and when he took care of her he would run his hands down her pants and mess with her only in that way and same thing happened later in the years but with her step dad. she then started to be aggressive and had to take care of her own self. When she got to a certain age she beat her step dad with a bat but she never told her mom what happened with all that she thinks her mom won't believe her plus it was in the way past so she just forgets about it. Not only that but a year ago she hung ou with the wrong crowd but she has changed alot now. but she hung out with this girl and her boyfriend and one night her friend and her friends boyfriend were at a party they were on something because there was this guy that liked my girlfriend alot but we were not dating yet but just wanted one thing from her and her friend and her friends boyfriend forced her to have sex with that one guy and she didn't want to but the other two were pulling her hair and were telling her that they were going to beat her up so she did it she cried the whole night and week but the guy she did it with was okay with him i think this would be called rape. i love her alot actually that happened a few months back before we start dating and we been dating for a year and 5 months. What do i do with all this it always hits my mind but i try so hard to forget it because it was just the past she loves me alot and so do i. please help me someone what should i do to stop thinking of this especially the last part that i was talking about all this is eating me up in class and in sleep. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): dude i'm sorry to hear that but damn that's a good story I almost believed in the bible too. don't you think your girl just wanted to feel the taste and now she is trying to calm down her reputation by lying to you dude, in my opinion just "hit it and quit it." later dude.
A
male
reader, gomezo07 +, writes (26 March 2008):
gomezo07 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys i think this advice will help me knowing that some peole care and help and have gone through similar things peace may god be with you all
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): I think that is a great question. I have dealt with a similar situation in my past. I could go through a list of all the screwed up things she went through, but it’s all similar trauma. I think all the advice below is great and very helpful. She clearly puts a lot of trust in you to tell you all this.
And, I know your reaction. It is the desire to protect her from any more traumas and make her feel safe. This is an intoxicating emotion and, while this may sound selfish, you have to be very careful in these situations not to confuse your emotions. If you are the type of guy who enjoys control and feeling important, which I certainly am (as do most guys), it can be a dangerous trap to be involved with someone like this. It is intoxicating to feel so important that you are finally someone she can trust and someone who will never let those things happen to her again. I would have this desire to go and right all the wrongs in her past, beat up all these people who hurt her. But I realized these are selfish emotions and are more about my own insecurities than about her.
Secondly, as unlucky and unjust as these things were that happened to her, they have happened and have shaped her psyche. Requited love is putting someone before yourself and letting them put you before themselves. As much as it sucks what happened, she may not be able to love you in the way you will be able to love her. While this does not prevent unconditional love, I eventually developed the need to be getting something tangible in return, and she wasn’t able to deliver. I don’t blame her, but she was just so screwed up after her first 20 years of life, she was in no position to be there for me. She continued to act out self-destructively and it caused me a lot of pain in the end. A friend told me, she loves you and you love her, but give it another 20 years until she can give you what you need.
So, don’t get sucked in to playing a hero. “Being a hero” is a selfish emotion. And, don’t develop false expectations that she will be to you what you are to her. In the end, people who have recently gone through years of trauma ultimately need a friend to rely on and trust more than they need a boyfriend who has needs she can’t fulfill.
My advice: Separate yourself from your own self-righteousness, be her friend first, and if you care about her, decide whether she needs a relationship or a rock to lean on. If you can’t be the rock first, and the boyfriend second if at all, and you can deal with the residual destructive tendencies, then go for it.
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A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (26 March 2008):
I can feel the trauma you are experiencing from her past but this is only a miniscule portion of what she is feeling. Her core values and beliefs have been formulated since she was 6 and before that basically she has no power and she is at the disposal of others for their own gain. The fact that she chose to share these most painful memories with you inicates to me that you are someone she can trust. I wonder if you truly acknowledge this important role she has given you. She is a survivor and you just being there for her is great. Imagine the guilt, self loathing and pain she has had to endure. It sounds to me as though she is at a point where she needs to get some help and counselling to deal with these distorted core values and beliefs. Be there for her and above all she needs to know that none of this is her fault and the recent rape would have brought her back to being 6 years of age in that the same feelings would have come flooding back and therefore re traumatised her all over again. I bet she is the most beautiful girl you have met with the most beautiful soul and beautiful smile and I bet she has the most kindest heart DESPITE THE TRAUMA. When I say she has distorted core values I am saying that these have been distorted by others behaviour towards her. The rage that she felt to hit her step dad was a defining moment for her and was a release of years of stifled emotions. To say she feels her mother would not believe would be twofold. One I bet her core belief is that mothers should protect their children from hurt and harm and her mothers failure to protect her really affected her deeply. Her mother may have known or suspected but without word from her may not have acted on her suspicion. In the second point abusers will trick their victim into submission by guilt and shame and by even telling their victim that their mother knows and that it is normal. Imagine her rage at getting older and realizing that this is not the case. Child victims of abuse know it is wrong and want it to stop but don't know how to stop it. How does a little girl begin to tell an adult what is going on when it is an adult doing the abuse and adults are meant to know what is right. Just love her and be there for her and she will heal when she begins to allow herself to deal with the past.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 March 2008):
 Sounds like she's been through hell and back. It's eating you up because out of the love you have for her now, you weren't there to protect her from being hurt. The best thing you can do for her is be supportive of her. Yes, that is rape. I hope she no longer has contact with those individuals. She's the one who's live with this and the pain that's associated with these actions. The last thing she needs is to feel as if you're judging her for someone elses hurtful actions.
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