A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,I am not sure how to ask this question. My boyfriend and I are getting married (yay!!) but have one small problem.I hate, and I mean *hate* his younger sister. She has been an absolute mess to deal with our entire relationship and has been mean and awful to me on numerous occasions.. not to get to much into it, but things like stealing my clothing/make up (his parents are just like "Oh we'll just buy her some so she doesn't take yours") getting drunk and being really rude and mean to me (his parents response is "she's just sad and lonely and had a bad day").. etc. She even abandoned my boyfriend and I at the airport after a 15 hour flight because she forgot and went out drinking instead, and freaked out when she remembered, and then proceeded to call us selfish for wanting a ride home (this was planned weeks in advance that she was going to pick us up)He shares my feelings about his sister, but his parents dote on her. She is the youngest (22) and can do no wrong. She is basically the most spoiled princess you will ever meet. Needless to say, she doesn't friends and the ones she does manage to keep aren't that close to her and aren't good friends. I tried to be her friend. I am in the process of picking out bridesmaid dresses and etc, and she is under the impression she is going to be my bridesmaid without me asking. She has already announced that she will only be wearing X type of bridesmaid dresses and that she "better be there" when I pick out a venue. His mom and dad are good people, I just think they don't know how to deal with her anymore now that she's too old to be punished, not that she ever experienced any kind of discipline as a teenager. I mean... I guess I could, but should I? This is my big wedding day and I feel like I am a little cheated on it already. I am picking out those who have been with me for YEARS as close friends. Should I just pity her and let her do what she wants? It really irritates me that I have to still give in to her because its what she expects for being related to the groom. She has other demands too, like wanting to be seated at so-and-so table so she can be close to us.To clear up any confusion, my fiance and I are still good with everyone else in his family.. it's just his younger sister that really strains everything. We see her a lot because we live fairly close to one another and his father really loves having everyone together for family events. In the future we do plan on moving far away (I am originally from the west coast and we live on the east).
View related questions:
drunk, fiance, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 October 2017):
 No do not cave in, weddings are stressful enough without having a bridesmaid forced on you. Just be straight with her and tell her you have already picked your bridesmaids and find something in the wedding for her to do to feel included. As for her sitting close to use well I would imagine as immediate family she would be anyway? Remember it is your wedding, you and your partners. So whatever you both want goes.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (5 October 2017):
This may be your problem but It is your fiancé' s job to tell his sister that she is not going to be your bridesmaid. He needs to do it now and he needs to do it in no uncertain terms.
Be firm, do not be wishy washy. And do not relent.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (4 October 2017):
 Let your boyfriend know that you're going to be firm with her, so he's not blindsided. Then plan what you're going to say and say it in-person, in public, but just the two of you.
Do NOT insult her. Do NOT belittle her. Be mature about it. Say that things have been rocky between you and you hope your relationship improves, but you don't want negativity at your wedding and you can't have her play an important part in it unless or until it improves. It's important to tell her why, without blaming her for everything, and giving her a chance to redeem herself - without making her feel like you're parenting her.
A little advice to you: learn to tolerate her. Hating her is a waste of time and will help drive a wedge between you, him and his family. Be in control of your own actions and feelings, be polite and friendly, even if she isn't. Don't add fuel to the fire.
...............................
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (4 October 2017):
 You need to get a hold on this and realise that this is the do or die moment- either she becomes the future dictator or you stand up to her. There's no better time, as you're never going to be in a more entitled position to stand up to her- it's YOUR wedding, not hers. The guests will be guests YOU'VE CHOSEN, the touches/ decor/ YOU'VE chosen etc- it's YOUR day.
You might think it's not a big deal just appeasing her this time, but it's the BIG day in your life- she knows this and wants to put her stamp on it- on YOU. I agree it is a stupid female vs female thing, but you don't need to bring out the guns- just put your foot down in the same way you would a child- stand up to her and don't let her get her own way -
because no matter how manipulative/ volatile/ guilt trip/ big a tantrum she'll throw, she NEEDS to learn her place, that she can't go around getting whatever she wants. She's not a child and 22 VERY ripe age to not know this... I really don't think much of the parenting tbh.
I really agree with wiseowl that your partner should be 100% putting you first, and doing MORE to stand up to her.
Just come on now- if you can't your wedding day as the day for yourself, when can you??
This means not let anyone step over you, INCLUDING your fiance, his family- because what kind of dick doesn't respect your wishes on your wedding day? I do also agree that if he doesn't stand up to her you need to make a big painful decision, because like others said it's a sign of what's to come- your guy has chosen to be your life partner and should ALWAYS have your back.
Think about what we've said here because it's a bigger deal than you realise. Look at all who stood up to Hitler, so he didn't end up with half the world under his foot.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): She definitely isn't worthy of being a bridesmaid. I suggest you talk to her parents and explain that on your wedding day you need to be surrounded by your oldest friends. By informing them in advance and giving a legitimate and non-hostile reason they won't be overwhelmed by her reaction and will have man argument to support your action.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 October 2017):
 Tell her as a close family member she's needed to do a very special and important reading at the wedding. Build it up a lot and ask her to pick out a dress in the colors you've chosen for the wedding.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2017): The clock is ticking! What are you waiting for? You're afraid of being confronted by; or clashing with their parents, right? Maybe you're afraid she's going to sabotage your wedding some how?
It's your wedding, and being chosen as a bridesmaid is an honor bestowed by the bride. One of the prerequisites of such an honor is being a close-friend and/or "beloved" relative of the bride. Which Miss Missy-Prissy is not!
Her being related to the groom doesn't fall under any particular rule of etiquette. It's really up to you!
You must gather your courage and inform her that you have chosen the women you wish to be your bridesmaids. They have already been considered, and have been asked.
Let her throw a tantrum or hissy-fit. That's how she gets her way. She can't hijack a wedding or bogart her way into your wedding-party. She's a permanent-fixture in your life; and it's time to get all this "female vs female" drama settled once and for all. You're out-numbered and it's not really fair. So call-in your mom, sister(s), and friends for backup.
If you don't lay-down the law now; the future looks pretty grim down the road.
She will railroad your marriage into the ground. She has to see that you've got the nuggets to deal with her; and you must also let your in-laws know that you aren't begging for their respect; but you're expecting it all the same. They've had their opportunity to bridge the gap between you and your sister-in-law; but they stood against you. It seems that this family isn't stuck on you two getting hitched!
Here's the sticky-part. The groom!
He's the man in the middle, trying to stand in the neutral-zone; while hanging you out to dry. If he doesn't stand by you now; see that as a preview into the future in dealing with her, and his family. Be prepared.
It may hit the fan; but if you don't stand your ground now, you will always be washing-off her sneaker-tracks and poo for the rest of your days! She's a bitch, and she must be put in her place. It's either now, or never. Only the strong survive, sweetheart! Don't be confrontational. Stand firm and defiant. Be sweet, no need to be nasty. She's already playing that role!
As far as where she sits, do it according to proper wedding-etiquette. HoneyPie so kindly provided a link to the rules of etiquette for the seating of your guests.
She was invited as a family-member and part of the groom's guest-list; but that doesn't give her dibs on being a bridesmaid. She's counting on you caving-in under her awesomeness. She's the Alpha, and you're the weakling of the two.
If you're afraid of her; quit stalling and include her. If not, don't waste any more time.
If she doesn't like it, let her have her own wedding!
Prepare not to receive an invite; but being the wife of her brother, he gets to choose his Plus-One! If neither of you are invited; I just don't sense you'll be shedding any tears about it.
It's important to maintain peace and order. You must always remain civil with your in-laws. Always take the high-road and be diplomatic. Never allow people to intimidate you into allowing them to overrule you when it's your call; or treat you beneath your dignity. It feels awful always being under-foot!
If your fiance had any balls, you wouldn't be writing this post. Sorry to say that; but I shoot from the hip! So, I guess you've got to have the backbone in this situation.
He should be the peace-keeper and mediator in all of this.
He's kind of allowing her to bully you into submission, in a roundabout way.
Up to now, all her actions against you were deliberate; and her way of showing you she doesn't care for you. You can't force people to like you. If you show backbone, dignity, and grace; you can pretty much gain their respect.
You will never survive this family; if you let them push you around. If your groom doesn't back you up, your marriage will not survive it either.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 October 2017):
 I think you need to take the bull by its horns and do it SOONER rather than later. TELL her, I have already picked my bridesmaid but I could use your help or input on XYZ (something less important for the wedding) It will give her purpose and hopefully make the string of NOT being a bridesmaid a little less or it will make her absolutely mad that she won't help... either way... win/win
No, I don't think you should just LET her be a bridesmaid because SHE wants to be one. I can easily see her holding up the whole wedding because she is late or not done with hair, makeup or whatever... don't let her ruin your day.
As for where she should be seated, well I do believe there is some etiquette but again, it's YOUR wedding NOT hers. So you and your fiance are in CHARGE.
"quote"
Classically, the groom sits to the bride's right and the best man sits to her left. The maid of honor sits to the groom's right. Depending on how large the table is, the other attendants can also be seated near the couple.
https://www.theknot.com/content/how-to-seat-guests-at-wedding-reception
...............................
|
