A
female
age
36-40,
*ammyFaye1985
writes:I have a serious issue with my younger sister. I recently left a violent and abusive relationship and rented a flat I really wanted after three months of hell going through turmoil and alcohol.Anyway, as the flat has 2 bedrooms, I asked my sister to move in with me. I paid the deposit which was over £2500, I also bought in the furniture, appliances and a guy I have been spending time with has bought food in for me, and has stayed over here and there and visited me - being nothing but nice to my sister.She has always been a spoilt brat and my mother always mollycoddled and she's always got away with her trantrums and mood swings. She is involved with a moron jobless, drug addict who flips now and again, disappears for days or weeks on end and drains her of her emotions and finances. I cant stand him, but tolerate him for her sake. I explained to my sister that I didn't want his friends coming to the house at any time (they all thieve or sell drugs for a living).I don't see how that is unreasonable but she took the hump and left to stay with the moron. She came back a few days later with said moron, and as there was a problem with the sink, the landlord would need to visit the property to complete the repair - due to my sister having 2 weeks off work I thought it was a no brainer for her to wait in for this to be completed but all she did was make some snappy remark about the guy I have been seeing. She was also drunk and the moron was high as usual. I mean it was a Sunday night after all?! The pair of them left again and the next day all I got was pages of abuse in text message from her and then from him calling me all sorts of degrading names. It really upset me as they brought up the domestic abuse I went through and basically trying to say I deserved it. I was in tears.The rent is due in a matter of days and I'm not sure she will pay her half of it but I need it. Also I do not want that man coming back to the house ever again after all the things that have been said and i dont agree with the life he lives, at 31 he should know a lot better.It is useless trying to talk to my mother as she just sides with the sister, honestly, she is so manipulative, and jealous of me. She spits her dummy out and causes unnecessary drama all because I asked her to take responsibility for a house she lives in, and to not bring dangerous people to there. And she has now turned this into a massive argument involving the moron and I am fed up and want my rent paid as well. I am at my wits end and wish I had not done her such a massive favour because where she was living before was a complete dive. She gets away with her petulance all the time and just cannot grow up, at 25 I expect a lot more maturity and also for her to be big enough to take accountability for her actions. I wish she would just get rid of the moron she is involved with - its been two years and its going nowhere. I don't know what to do but she isn't the type of person you can have a mature conversation with. I have no help around me and no other family members I can talk to.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 October 2017):
 Why did you ask her to move in with you if you knew she was with a drug addict? Surely you knew how this would end when you say your mother always takes her side. The only way I can see a way forward is to hand in your notice and look for a smaller place that you can afford to rent on your own at least you are not chasing rent payments and you don't need to worrying about her friends being drug addicts or thieves.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2017): Why did you take-on an apartment you can't afford? Knowing your sister based on her past-history; why did you ask her in the first-place? Were you expecting some kind of miraculous change in her behavior? You obviously have no influence or authority over her; and you couldn't deal with her long before inviting her to be a roommate.
You need to work on your judgement and decision-making. You also need to learn how to be more assertive under your own roof; or people will takeover your home and kick you out!
Threaten to get a restraining order; if your sister can't keep her druggie-boyfriend out of your house. Chances are he has a police record. Tell her that's how far you'll go; if she doesn't honor your house-rules. You'll probably be evicted; so you should start looking for either a cheaper place, or a more reliable roommate. Scratch-up the rest of the rent; or get a second-job to compensate, until you find another roommate. The landlord will probably include a late fee, and initiate an eviction notice.
I disagree that just because she pays half the rent; she can invite anyone over she likes. She can't just place you both in harms way by bringing all sorts of guys over to spend the night! That means she could invite any random stranger off the street; and compromise your safety, or even your life!
It's not your property! If you have neighbors who share the building; your choices of company also put their safety and property in jeopardy. You will eventually begin to have issues with the landlord. You will anyway, if your rent isn't on time!
If you take-on a roommate. you have to agree to a set of house-rules that are fair and reasonable. Your unruly sister will never abide by any agreement. You knew that! You will have to ask your sister to move-out; if she doesn't come-up with her share of the rent anyway! She can't live there free! Nor can you!
You're not starting-out well with your landlord; and I'm afraid that's your problem. The landlord doesn't have to tolerate it or hear your excuses. That's his income!
Seek another roommate and/or start looking for a cheaper place. You will lose your deposit if you break your lease; or fail to pay your rent on a timely basis.
Don't blame this on your mother. You knew your sister and her choices of loser-boyfriends, before you moved her in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2017): You know your sister well. You had known her well even before you asked her to share a flat with you.Why did you ask her to move in knowing what she was like and what kind of people she was socializing with?Just to have an apartment you wanted?If it is so, I'm sorry but that argument is just childish. You knew that she wasn't for one reason or another financially stable.Being an adult is being independent. You have just left, what I suspect to be, a codependent relationship and you have swapped your abusive partner for your abusive sister. And you had done it willingly. I agree with Denizen, if she pays the rent, she can invite anyone she likes. If they start trashing the place, stealing... call the police, but you cannot forbid her from doing so. I'm not defending her actions, but instead of bashing your sister, I'd rather focus on you. Ask yourself why you wanted to live with someone who was going to hurt you and drive you out of your mind and on a top of that, give that person a certain amount of power over you (since you need her money to cover the rent)?I don't buy that you were JUST doing her a favor by inviting her to share a flat. Apart from the rent you could not afford, were you lonely? Did you need the company of someone who's close to you? Do you have a habit of putting up with anything just to avoid being alone? (this goes well with staying in abusive relationships).You CAN break the circle, but you have to take responsibility for your actions, be independent and set your limits. Do not waste energy on arguing with your sister, she is what she is and she most probably won't ever change. (sorry for the digression, but you have one thing in common, you both have stayed in an abusive relationships). It does you no good to relive your childhood where your mum let her do whatever she wanted. It's over. You are not a helpless kid anymore, but a strong adult. Don't let them put you down. What you say about your mom always siding with her is probably not a rational decision but an emotional one. You cannot have a rational discussion about that with your mum or anything that involves your sister. You'll lose your time, energy and maybe even temper.Take action. Settle the rent alone, if you must, and find another apartment as a back-up in case she won't leave and start looking for another roommate. Be proactive, do not linger on negative feelings and your sister's faults. Do something responsible and good for yourself.If it were me, I'd leave the apartment I cannot afford and find something I can. I think that you too could use some more independence in your life. At least for a while, to reevaluate your life, goals and needs. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 October 2017):
 Whilst your sister pays half the rent, she should be allowed to have her boyfriend and their friends over. However, as he's a drug addict, I don't think it's wise to have your sister as your flatmate whilst she's with him.I think you need to give her a couple of months notice to move out and start your search for another flatmate. Find a way to pay her half of the rent, if she doesn't.I hope you had a contract written up when you asked her to move in. If not, that was very silly and I think you need to cut your sister some slack on the "maturity" and "knowing better", as she's at least 5 years younger than you and you're still making mistakes.Anyway, whether you made a contract or not, sit down with her and tell her it's not working out. She wants the freedom and you don't feel comfortable having addicts in your flat.Do NOT insult her or her boyfriend and do NOT raise your voice. Be mature about it and stick to the point. Write out a fair contract about her 2 months notice and sign it. Make copies, in case she tears it up. I'd also advise buying a cheap recorder (or using your phone) to record you giving her notice, so she can't claim she didn't know, if she refuses to sign the contract. I wouldn't let her know you're recording, so just set it up in whichever room you're going to discuss it with her, then say something like this:"Jane, I need to talk to you about our living arrangement. I know we are sisters, but this isn't working. You want to live somewhere you can have __(state her boyfriend's name, not insults)__ round, but I don't feel comfortable having him visit because of his drug use. This contract outlines that you have 2 months to find somewhere else to live, starting today (date) and ending on (date), as I paid the £2,500 deposit on this flat. I have already signed it and would like you to do the same."Make sure you say:- her name- your relationship to her- his name and drug use- that you are giving her notice- how much notice- the date you gave her notice and when she needs to move out by- that you paid the deposit and how muchAll of that should be in the contract *and* said on the recording. She can't deny it, as long as she says something in the recording, so you can prove you said it to her.That's all. You'd have proof she had 2 months notice, in case you need to contact the police or a lawyer, and you need to find a new housemate. No more criticising her, though - focus on your own life and understand that nobody wants someone to tell them how to live their life. Her life isn't yours to judge. Calmly ask her to move out, using the method I suggested, and find a new flatmate.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (3 October 2017):
 You have several options and they are clear. You can move again and get somewhere to live you can afford by yourself. Or you can tell your sister to leave and find a new flatmate.
Finally, and most difficult you can explain to your sister what is upsetting you and try and reach a resolution.
I think if she is paying half the rent she can invite any of her friends around who she likes, but I do see how unacceptable that must be for you. She probably isn't going to want to change either so I suggest the previous two options would be the way to go. Families can be difficult.
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