A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in need of some advice on how to break up with my gf. We have been together just over two years. I still care about her deeply and have strong feelings for her, but I have lost sight of that spark that kept me so attracted to her.. Might say ive fallen out of love. I have my own plans for my future, and although her and i have somewhat started to plan a future together, i no longer see her fitting in with what i want to do with my life. Problem is that she is extremely emotional. There will be a tidal wave of tears.. Begging and pleading for me to stay, she cant live without me.. You know. We have split for short periods of time in the past and this is what happened, but we ended up back together. Im ready to cut ties for good this time. And talking to her in a civil way about these thoughts that im having is near impossible, again it just ends in tears and no real progress is made toward a solution. Another problem is that i get extremely emotional as well.. Even the thought of breaking this news to her makes me feel sick. Because i still care about her and hate that it is going to hurt her so much. But things arent what they used to be and its time to move on. We do not live together, so that makes things a little simpler, but im still lost about how to do this. Help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Send her a letter, an email, a note! Then she can let it all out before she sees you again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): im in the exact same position. its really hard when you want to end a relationship but the other person is emotional and thinks nothing is wrong. i have been on the receiving end before and its not nice but you get over it. obviously you cant say that but its true. let us know what happens etc. its so easy to read the advice but doing it is the hardest part.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (17 November 2010):
 The first thing you have to understand and accept is that there is no easy way to do this. It's going to be hard. 2 years is a long time and you already know she's emotional and that you will get emotional. So easy isn't going to happen.
As far as doing it? Well, you just need to do it. No delaying. No waiting. No deciding. You've made up your mind, so you just need to do it. Meet either at her place or a neutral place to do it. You don't want her over at your place because it could be difficult to get her to leave.
Finally, be decisive. Don't hesitate. Don't show doubt. As much as you care about her, you starting to cry or wanting her to feel better will only open the door for her to stay. Yes, you care about her, but the relationship is over. You can't end this being friends. Sure, in time you may be able to be civil and be friendly with each other.... but you can't go into this expecting to be friends right afterwards. Be prepared to be cold and cruel if necessary, not to hurt her feelings on purpose... but to just finish it.
If you are looking for an exact way on how to approach this, I would just call or text her and say "We need to talk. Can I come over?". If she asks what it is about, you just need to tell her "This isn't something I want to talk about by text or by phone, I need to talk to you in person". At that point she'll have to know something is wrong and it'll prepare her at least a little. Once there, you just have to be upfront about it. Again, don't hesitate. Don't say things like "I love you, BUT...." or "I care about you, BUT...". All she'll hear is the first part. Then she'll say things like "If you love me, why can't we work it out?".
Speak in definites. No questions. Say things like "I've thought this through and I've decided this is what I want" or "This is what I have decided". Don' give her the option to say yes or no.
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