A
male
age
26-29,
*lacic
writes:I am just 20 and I hate to be called inexperienced because I have been in two solid relationships before. I grew up in the city of Abuja. so early this year I went to my hometown with my dad where I met my first cousin once removed. after a while we fell in love, we loved ourselves so much so I told her about my feelings and she told me hers too. so we started dating secretly because it was a taboo for such in our community. after five months together we became so attached to each other that people started noticing. her mum even took me as her son because of the way I cared for her daughter. after seven months together she started complaining of serious heartache she started telling me to leave and at this time I already love her so much that I could barely be without her. because the pain she was going through i left for Abuja and she also left to visit her brother in the southern city of portharcot. it was then she started avoiding me I kept calling her she won't pick my calls and she don't return my text too. anytime she picks she kept giving excuses and I started complaining to her and each time just tell not to talk my feelings until she finally told me she can't go on with me anymore. I now feel betrayed. but I don't want to hate her. she is my cousin. so how should I go about it? can we still interact like cousins again??.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2017):
 This is why it is a bad idea to get to close to family members, it can cause so many problems in a family. The best thing that you can do at the moment is give you and her some space apart. It can be hard to just switch off feelings therefore take some time and try and get over the relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2017): You use the same moral-restraint and self-control you use not to become romantically-attracted to children, your mother, animals, siblings, your father, and any other blood-related person in your life.
There have to be boundaries set somewhere; and we cannot morally or legally just follow any impulse we have. We have to be able to fight some of our feelings in order to remain civil, decent, and responsible. There are higher risks for birth defects and congenital abnormalities for people having children who are related.
You're very young, so you have much to learn. However; you are old enough to know boundaries, and family-members are totally off-limits. The convenient use of the term "once-removed" is nonsense. It is how people attempt to justify their inappropriate feelings for extended-family; or to clean it up to make it palatable.
At your age, your attraction is tied more to your raging hormones than anything else. So your feelings aren't always exactly what you read them to be.
If you know your family isn't having it; discovery of the secret could have very serious repercussions had she gotten pregnant! That is the worst kind of secrecy. She is an extended-cousin; but your family may still see it as incest.
It is not just a cultural-taboo, it is quite widely unacceptable. I have read about some pretty deadly-responses to morality-issues in Nigeria. You took a really huge risk.
We live on an over-populated planet. There are millions of single and available people who don't share our genes/DNA; and we don't have to hide our romantic or sexual-attraction towards them.
Respect her request to leave her alone. Yield to the set boundaries about family-members. Go find yourself a lovely girlfriend having no family-ties. That's easy enough. Trust me, you'll survive.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 October 2017):
 This is why relationships with family members isn't wise - if it doesn't work out (it rarely does), things become very complicated and affect your families too.
Stop all contact until you're over her - then (and ONLY then) you can act like cousins again. Don't try to talk to her or anything, just start to move on. You'll find someone else someday and you'll be fine.
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