A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm sorry if this is too long for you to read, but I'm just giving the whole story so you can give a more cogent, well thought out answer.Okay, so in the beginning of the school year (september 2008), this new girl came to my school (which only has like 40 people). We'll call her Q. So on the first day when she walked into class, I thought she wasn't ugly, but not extremely pretty or anything. She was more on the quiet side, and so was I. I never thought about going out with her, but when my friend from a higher grade asked me who I liked, I didn't want to say no one because then he wouldn't believe me, and at the same time, I was fairly desperate. Since Q appealed to me more than anyone in the class, I decided to say her name. After that, Q's best friend started talking to me, and then asked me who I liked. I said Q's name, and after that she helped me get closer to her. Eventually I asked Q out at a party, and things were awkward that week. Instead of breaking up, we just "took a break" for a little while. A month later on halloween she started liking me again, and then she told me that the following week. I asked her out and then a week later she said she was supposed to get braces or something. Then she wanted to rush things and make out, but at the last minute decided she wasn't ready. That was when we decided to take things slow. Don't get me wrong I liked her and all, but I never really knew how to express that. After we started talking more and more, and we became even closer, I was still afraid of making her feel rushed. Nothing really happened between us and in February, she broke up with me. I can't blame her either because school was stressful, if her parents found out she would literally be killed, we weren't going anywhere (mainly because of me), at least thats what she told me. She also told me that she wanted to stay friends. Thats around the time that I started to really like her. I felt crushed, but I tried tricking myself into not feeling any pain. We still talked every day, and all this did was make me like her more and more. I can forget about it sometimes by going with other friends to the mall or at the roller rink or something, but generally all I can think of is her. It doesn't bother me when I'm talking to her either, but right after I know I'll never be with her. I can confide in her for almost anything, and talking to her helps me get through the day. If I told her how I felt, she would understand most likely, but things would be awkward, and if we still talked, I wouldn't be able to get over it. So my question is: How may I get over it without losing a friend who's been the nicest, sweetest, most understanding person in my entire life even though I've known her for less than a year? I know that may not seem like a long time and it just sounds like I'm a newbie to all this which I am and like she probably won't even matter a year or two from now. And she probably won't, but for the time being, she is the one person in my life that I care about the most disregarding family and all that.PLEASE HELP
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a break, best friend, braces, broke up, crush Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): Thank you for your answer. I cannot stress enough how helpful this is to my well being. Sorry I couldn't reply to this sooner, but I lost my code. I've finally found it now though. I will definitely keep this in mind from now on. I enjoyed reading the theory, and it in fact seems very plausible that it is true. Okay, I'll try it like that instead, because you are right, it is impossible to quell an instinct through the method that I had attempted for so long. Although that sounds like a good idea to get with another girl, I simply cannot. Not because I'm not physically able too, but out of the 40 people in the school (which encompasses people from 7th to 9th grade), I'm just not physically attracted to anyone. Don't worry though, I think I'll be able to do more constructive things with my time after school ends. If I don't get over her by the end of the summer, then I'll have endure another year in the current school before I transfer to a normal high school which is a decision I have made based on more than just this whole current problem I have.But thank you for your advice, I will definitely put it to use and hopefully it will turn out for the best.
A
male
reader, Who +, writes (18 May 2009):
 “…it just sounds like I'm a newbie to all this which I am and like she probably won't even matter a year or two from now.”
Exactly. You are in your early teens. No one, repeat no one is born knowing about this romance business, we all have to learn about it through trial and error. You have just gone through your first trial. I would not say you committed any errors, but you now know what it is like. It will not seem so new next time. And if you are like most young men you will go through this several times before you get it right.
“…but generally all I can think of is her.”
It is called obsessing. Most guys do it at one point of their lives or another; look around on this site to see examples. There is a theory (just a theory not proven) that this behavior is instinct, beaten into men over the 100,000 years humans lived on this planet as hunter/gathers. Imagine you are a cave man and have to bring home meat or your family will starve. All you have is a crude spear with a stone point. All the prey animals are bigger than you. The only way to get meat is to study the prey and figure out where they move, and stalk into a position in front of them so they will come close enough to throw your spear. But the spear cannot kill the animal right away, only wound it. Now you have to spend the next 2 days tracking it, relentlessly, night and day without sleep, until it is tried and weak enough for you to finish it off. You have to obsess on the rump of that animal and think of nothing else but following it and getting it, no matter what.
6,000 years of civilization has not driven that instinct from your make up, only transferred it from the rump of a prey animal to…well, you know.. .
By trying not to always think of her, you are trying to intellectually, consciously, eliminate an instinct. Can’t be done, you will always have the instinct. All you can do is be aware of it, deal with it, and prevent yourself from obeying it. In time the instinct will no longer be focus on this particular girl. While you are waiting you can try to abate the instinct by exercising and/or playing a sport. Work yourself to exhaustion at least 3 times a week. This is the traditional way young men deal with this. The other thing that will make it abate is getting a new girl.
But remember, instinct is not the only thing you have. You also had emotion, empathy, and the desire to be an understanding and supportive to you girl friend. Reading your question shows you are well beyond your years with this part.
“How may I get over it without losing a friend who's been the nicest, sweetest, most understanding person in my entire life…:
Prepare you self mentally that she is going to get another boyfriend one day, maybe soon. You get yourself another girl friend. Then, keep doing this part: “…we started talking more and more, and we became even closer…“ Do the thing with her you do with your guy friends, and she does with her girl friends. Take it easy, relax, go with the flow and have a good time. You are way more thoughtful and articulate than most teen age boys posting on this site, I’m sure you will get everything to work out.
Best of luck.
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