A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello Everyone,I've asked for help before about a relatively new relationship and it was so helpful - but I have another question please...my confidence is still a bit low in regard to relationships because I had a very difficult one for a very long time, so every now and again something will flag up.This time it is that the relationship is now entering into a more 'serious' stage - it really is so precious to me and I'm having a lovely time and so is he. However, I am trying consciously not to make the same mistakes as before - I was basically a doormat who got walked on. The new guy really is adorable, but I'm aware that I don't want him to be the key to my happiness and that I still have to be a 'whole' person on my own, so I'm still holding back slightly and being independent.On the other hand, I really want to 'go the distance' with this guy. The thing that confuses me though is that I know that in the past by being a total doormat, I became eventually deeply unhappy and this made my ex partner feel responsible for making me happy and made him totally unhappy too - it was a spiralling/circuitous situation where he would be abusive.I would take it but my self esteem would plummet and I'd look to him to raise it again, his freedom would feel compromised, he'd be nice for a while then nasty again because, underneath everything, he resented that I wasn't sticking up for myself and telling him where to go.The new relationship is not like that at all, but I'm confused because I never, really never want this guy to feel that I am taking away any of his freedom. He's a mature guy and the kind who would simply never cheat on a woman, so its not that kind of freedom that I mean. He came out of a marriage to an extremely dominant woman - I know this is not only his account of it but friends know her and say she totally walked all over him. On the other hand, I don't want him to feel like I have no backbone - I've read that guys don't like women who won't assert their own needs before his. I sensed very early on that he had a need to feel like a man again, and I need to feel protected so overall it works fine.But how do I get this balance right between wanting for him not to feel tied down in any way but instead actually wanting to be with me because I can assert myself as well? I'm kinda confused - so far it is not a problem, but I really want things to go down a good path as I can feel we are in a new stage...he's had a couple of really difficult months for other reasons, and I've had to ask advice her before because his behaviour threw me a bit, but after taking advice it was fine - I want him to feel accepted and loved, but I don't want to become despised for being a doormat...
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confidence, his ex, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): Dear BondGirl172, janniepeg, Sageoldguy1465, Candid Cally and Basschick,My thanks for your advice and for your time in considering my situation. I appreciate it all and in think, in combination, your views work really well to provide me with what I need right now - some sound advice and reassurance.I do think I need to work a little more on asserting myself and I realise now that this also that does include, for me, being feminine - previously I was a kind of 'non-entity' - and asserting my femininity also includes developing my hobbies. And yes, I do believe that freedom in a relationship means that the relationship should be a wonderful supplement for the lives of two whole people. You hope you all feel proud of yourselves for your kindness and consideration - isn't it nice to know that, from all over the world, we can communicate and help one another? It is such a positive feeling.Thanks again guys.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 I assume you get along fairly well and there's not alot of "power" struggles in your relationship. Keeping yourself from falling into the old habit of becoming a doormat is a continuous process. We train people how we want to be treated. It means when he says, "Where do you feel like eating?" You don't automatically say, "Oh I don't care, you decide." Instead you speak up and say, "I want Chinese. That's what I'm craving." Now that doesn't mean you become bitchy or rigid if he says he gets sick when he eats Chinese, offer him another suitable choice, but make sure it is YOUR choice. Another way is each night when you cook dinner, you don't always have to ask him what he's in the mood for (unless he's having a special craving he's mentioned "I really miss that chicken dish you make sometimes") instead just cook what you want to serve to him. It shows you can take charge, make the decision for the family meal without always relying on his input. When it comes time for your birthday, don't say "Oh you don't have to get me anything, just having you is gift enough." Doormat! Instead show him or tell him exactly what you'd like to have. (Be reasonable of course, don't ask for a $800.00 ipad if you know he can't really afford it.) And last of all, think about a hobby you used to do, or have always wanted to do, and make sure you pursue it. Having your own interests always makes you seem more independent than someone who waits around for him to think up stuff to do. It could be painting, poetry, playing guitar, singing karaoke - never stop pursuing what you enjoy doing even if he doesn't share the desire. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (29 September 2012):
In the past you have been so willing to put others before you that it compromised your happiness and your relationship.
The only way you will be happy in this new relationship is if you find your self and value this self. You need to know who you are. What you are and are not comfortable with. But, most importantly, you need to learn how to make concrete decisions and effectively assert yourself when you are not comfortable or content with the way things are.
Have you seen a counselor at all recently? A counselor can help you work on developing and utilizing effective, assertive, and positive communication skills. I think that being able to communicate your wants, needs, and desires to this new man in an assertive, but non-confrontational manner will improve your chances of having a lasting relationship.
You just need to remember to be completely and naturally yourself with him. Don't put him first if it means compromising yourself to a point where you feel like you are a doormat. Continued self-compromise only leads to one's demise.(By self-compromise, I mean compromising your 'self' for the sake of others.)
The truth is, both of you have been doormats in past relationships. Both of you are probably unsure of how to proceed. Both of you are uncertain. Perhaps instead of worrying about how to act, whether you should be assertive, whether you could be seen as a doormat...perhaps, you should stop thinking and analysing and just listen to your heart. How does your heart feel about him and why? Does he seem to return your interest?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 September 2012):
 I would focus in on the word "freedom".....
I think that YOU believe that "freedom" means that two partners remain "who they are" in much of their lives.... and SUPPLEMENT who they are with the great relationship that they are fostering....
For some guys (at least one of whom you dated), "Freedom" means that his G/F won't be so "demanding and dominating" of his time that he doesn't have time to go out and have s*x with OTHER girls.....
YOUR KEY is to find a guy who thinks more like you (first paragraph) and DOESN'T believe as in the second paragraph. Surprisingly, there ARE some of us out there....and when YOU find such a guy, you can have a great relationship with him....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 September 2012):
 There are men who treat women like a doormat because they let them, but not all men would do that, only jerks. You can't blame yourself for his being abusive. Feminine quality is much needed in a relationship, but the only kind of assertiveness needed is that when you find a man is not worth it, then you have to get rid of him, instead of toughening yourself up making yourself immune to abuse. You need to know your new boyfriend won't take advantage of you. There is no need to suppress that feminine, generous quality if you can feel safe with him. He will only appreciate you more if you share this good quality with him.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (29 September 2012):
 I think you just have to treat him with respect when you have a problem instead of bringing about a bunch of drama/being needy and/or too forgiving.
If you have a problem, you say "Honey, I don't want to interfere with your free time, but I would like to spend more time with you during the weekend. I am not sure how to solve this problem..do you have any ideas?" You say it in a diplomatic way just like you would expect someone to come to you if you have a problem. Non-threatening, non-accusatory, and that you are working on things together.
Most men will want to work with you on the relationship as long as it seems logical to them. If they feel they're not being respected, or if you're mothering them, they won't pay you much attention.
In order for you to stop being a doormat, you just need to state what you'd like and ask for his help. Sometimes I find just telling my boyfriend "I miss sitting down and eating with you this week" will have an immediate effect. Other men are harder to deal with and you will find that out soon enough.
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