A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I know this is going to sound strange, I think. I never really looked at things this way, but maybe if I did long ago, I would not be in this predicament right now. My husband and I have been together for 3 long aganoizing years of pure hell, for me. He has been mentally and verbally abusive and very controlling with me. Although there has always been a mixture of good and bad and back and fourth in our relationship, the past 6 months have gone from horriable to unbearable with him. I recently discovered that he may be bi polar. While I was not at all happy to find out he is sick, it did make me feel a little bit better to know that there was an actual reason for all of the pain and suffering that I have gone through other then I just married a monster. I am not making excuses for him or minimizing what he has done to us. I looked at my options and while they were very limited, it seemed with lots of work and help we did have a shot at a normal life. The first thing I did was get myself into counceling to deal with my own issues over this. The councelor said that while I can not make him get help and he must want to help himself, she could help me to find ways to cope with his issues and maintain peace in the home and eventually persude him to get help, but it was all I could do. I do love my husband and he has had his moments of good, so I was willng to try. The plans however; got changed. This past week, I ran out to the store and when I returned I found him being very mean and controlling with my daughter - not the first time. I sent her off and again tried another wasted attempt to explain to a grown man the definiation of mental and verbal abuse and where the line is drawn. As usual he sat on the couch, turned the voulme up on the TV and told me to shut the F up. Something in me snapped, I could not take another minute of his disrespect and I demanded he get help or leave. He does not feel there is anything wrong with him, so he took his son and left. He is now insisting that I kicked him and his son out on the streets. I don't know where they are, but his son sent my daughter a Myspace messages saying they are in a house, so I know that they do have a place to stay. Anyway, while it bother me what he was saying about me kicking him and his son out and I know this was meant to get him sympathy from the rest of the world and make me feel guilty, I did stick with my guns. He has left me in a very bad situtation and is being totally uncooperative in dealing with how we are going to pay the bills and what exactly his intentions are. I think that when people split up (marriage) there does have to be some discussion on who's staying, going doing, taking, paying for what, ect. Nope, no cooperation or adult answers out of him. I can see that I will have to figure it out for myself and find my own way. My problem is, and I think this is what sucks me back in everytime, he seems far stronger then me in the break-up. He makes everything appear not to matter and acts as if just don't care at all. Maybe he really don't, but the thing is even when I try to act that way, I know it is killing me inside and I know that he sees right through it. As long as I am showing him that I am hurting he knows I am easy pray. I can not avoid him because he left the car here for me and took the truck. Both vehicles are in his name and all of his belongings are still in the house. I am not in any danger because he is not violent and I have not stoped him from getting his things, but I am trying to get cooperation out of him. Even though I do not feel bad and I know I did what I had to do, it is still killing me inside. The only thing he would have to do is agree to and follow through with getting help and we would work it out, but he is now making me feel that if there was ever one glimmer of hope it went packing with him. He did not say that, he does not even think he is sick - this is just how I feel. The stronger he appears to be and the less he appears to care, and the more avasive he becomes the more I start to double think my decisions and he winds up back in my life on "his terms." I am afraid of this. I honestly do not need to be told I did the right thing, because I know I did. I also do not need to be told that I am better off without him because I know I am. I think what I need is to learn how to get the upper hand in this break-up thing, so that he will not be able to continue to make me feel bad and double think myself even when he is not around. If I knew I had him crawling for a while, it would make me feel a bit stronger. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): My goodness your story sounds exactly like mine. I was with a bipolar man who refused to get help for 4yrs. We had our good and bad times but it seems like the bad times always affected me the worse. Recently, my ex called me out the blue via phone and said he had a change of heart about our relationship! I was stunned! Needless to say this is not the first time he broke up with me in a cowardly manner. So I went through Valentines and my birthday heart broken. On my birthday a group of friends took me out to a lounge only for me to see him and the new girl(a woman he claimed he did not know to me) at the same lounge! wE WERE NOT EVEN BROKEN UP THIRTY DAYS AND i SPENT FOUR YEARS WITH HIM~! I left the club shattered and embarassed only to hear that he is parading her around like she is the best woman on earth. The pain is not easing but getting worse because I'm stuck on why her? I did nothing to this man and gave him everything? Do these bipolar men really hurt or care like we do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): Dear Original Poster:
Check out the Article section of this site! There's one entitled Reports of Abusive Relationships....
Please read it! (I shortened the actual title, but you'll know it when you see it)
Britt
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): Yes, it is the same story! Different characters...same roles...same plot! There are millions of us out there, it's sad to say! I hope you can strengthen yourself and let go! It's not easy, but it will give you a new beginning. It will eventually give you a feeling of such empowerment, and independence. I realize it is different for you because there are children involved. But living in that volitale situations is harmful to the kids too.
I wish you luck! Stay Safe!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advise,
rhythmanandblues2, since I have no choice but to stay here for the moment, I will indeed try the things you are saying and report back.
britt429,
You could switch our names and I think the story here would still fit. Especially the order in which you put the methods of abuse in, down to the tee! The only difference is that while we have been together for 3 years, we have only been married for 8 months. During our first year together, although I did not know how to reconize what was going on, I do believe I met him while he was at rock bottom and I was the one who picked him back up. The first year was hell with the cheating, porn, lying, verbal and mental abuse. We did not live together back then, so outside of the cheating, porn and lying it was very hard for me to pick up on the mental and verbal abuse because whenever we fought back then, it was never his fault for doing the things he did it was my fault for looking, but back then I could just go home for a week or two until he was at my door and on his knees again. I am not sure why or how he was always able to reel me back in with his sobb stories, but he did it. By the end of the first year, the project we were working on was comming to an end and everybody on site was in a panic because there was just no work to be found anywhere. I would say this was when he sprialed out of control. He began cheating on my with one of our co-worker, I do not blame her, she had no clue we were together. One time I went to his apartment to try to talk to him and found drugs everywhere. This was it for me, I could not risk my children. During the last month, I had nothing to do with him at all, but he came by my place one time just to tell me he had taken a job in a different state and see if I wanted to go with him - "NO!", Once he was gone I was in a lot more pain then I thought I would be, but that probably had a lot to do with the fact that I had also lost my job and to spite all my efforts had nothing lined up and no way to support my children, my car broke down making it very hard to look for a job, and my department was laid off on my birthday which I spent alone crying my eyes out. An all together bad situtation! Anyway, after about two months he started calling crying, begging and pleading. He wanted me to come there with him so he could fix things, but I told him he needed to come back if he wanted to fix things so bad. I was shocked when he showed up. He did everything right and made every promise, stuck by my side and allowed me access to everthing and anything I wanted to see and / or know. He even allowed me to deal with his lingering girlfrieds that were still calling and asked me to marry him. I put it down to the fact that he had been on the rebound from he ex-wife that he said had cheated on him while he was in the war in Iraq and then dumped him on fathers day. I figured he was over it and ready to make a fresh start with me. Only problem was we have 3 children between us and now neither one of us had jobs. Shortly after he returned, he received a phone call from the company that he had been working for offering him another job in a different state 3000 miles away. I am not sure if he had it all pre-planed, but he said that he had an over the phone interview with them prior to comming back to me. Since I beleived he had changed, I gave up my apartment, my car and away we went. I found him back on the porn sites almost right away and the cycle of abuse has excalated since. I do not think he would be stupid enough to do drugs with the job he has now and he has never gotten physical with me, but now that I reconize what is wrong with him, I know that this is nothing to play around with. I actually think the very worst he will do is go out and jump on anything and everything that moves, sticking to the excuse "I kicked him and his son out on the streets" as his reason to stay mad at me and justify the cheating in his own mind. I actually emailed a mutual friend today and explained the whole situtation to him in the hopes that he could at least talk my husband into seeking treatment on his own. When the friend got back to me he said that he had called my husband at work and talked to him. Apparently, my husband has his own and very convincing version of the story. Our friend just said that "my husband does not feel very wanted in his own home, and he needed to feel wanted too." Since he used the word "needed" in the past tense, I am assuming that my husband is already with somebody new. I suppose that is way I am finding it so hard to cope today. I am very much alone here. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): Once again I have to agree with Rythmandblues2!
I don't want to go into my whole history with my bi-polar, exhusband, but he started out just being controling, then became verbally abusive, then emotionally, and then physically! He denied he had a problem although he knew he was bipolar. He knew how to turn everything around and make it my fault. He was bigger and stronger than me, so eventually I stopped fighting back. I do have some permenant damage caused by him. (physical that is, I have worked on the emotional part for the last 2 years and I think I am doing great. The way I got the upper hand...I left! I left with nothing. I knew it was the only way I could get away from him. It wasn't the first time I left him but I promised myself it would be the last! I made up my mind that being with him was worse than anything I would have to face being alone! And I was right! Then I filed for divorce (after a 16+ marriage) He tried to come crawling back, but although it was difficult not to be sucked back in, I stood my ground.
And yes, I did still love him, even though I hated his behavior, and his refusal to get help. I pittied him for years and felt I should stay with him because he was sick!
But he was in denial, and wouldn't help himself so I gave up on him. I don't regret it one bit. When he died last August of a massive heart attack, due to chronic meth use, all alone and with nothing, I went to the mortuary to forgive him and say goodbye. He chose to lead his life the way he did. All I ever did was try to help him. I have no regrets, because I learned a lot about myself and others! I don't judge all men by his actions, but I definitely know how to spot the red flags!
I hope this has helped you some! I know I said I wasn't going to get into my whole situation, but it is the only way I know how to help others!
Please be careful...a bi-polar person can become violent at any time...and remember there is always a first time!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): If you want to get the upper hand as it were, you could try some tactics which I will get to later....let me know if they work, because I am in a position I may need them soon myself.
First things first. You need to stop analyzing and focuaing on him and pay attention to you for a change and decide what it is YOU reall want. What I am hearing is that you feel guilty and that if he would just admit to a problem that you think things could be fixed. The problem is since you are married, if he doesn't want to try and he files for divorce first, he has the upper hand....usually.
But that is not what you asked....but seriously, start ignoring him more or less unless he speaks to you first and act as if you don't care even if it is kiiling you inside....but to get to a place where you can feel it on the inside that you are stronger and you can take him or leave him you have to let him go.....and focus on you and getting your life in order.
Then you can reverse the rejection on him, and by that I don't mean be mean to him, but agree with the break up like Yes, I think it is for the best, and you just never know......and then pause.....tell him you are going to a new play with Jim whom you just met at.....he may think it is obvious ploy to get him jealous, but you can say well he is a friend after all we're still married....or something like that.
And if he calls you speak friendly to him but do not initiate any calls for three weeks or go to see him....this way you will have time to calm down and heal from the pain of this seperation and then you will be in a better place to deal with him and make a decision on whether or not this relationship is really worth it.
That is really my best advice, stay away for at least three weeks, and focus on YOU instead of him.
Good Luck, and like I said let me know if it gets him to change his attitude.
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