A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have known each other for 17 years. We were together for 13 years; married for 11 years. We have five kids together; our oldest is 10. Very recently (six days ago), she sat me down for a private dinner while the kids were in various locations (friends', their grandparents).We started off with a great conversation about how our kids are doing in school and their various activities. She then tells me about her days at her hospital job and I told her about my days at my office.What I didn't see coming was her telling me she wants a separation. Not a divorce, just a "break". Naturally, I asked her the first two questions that came to mind: Why? And are you cheating on me?Well, she's not cheating on me; I just KNOW and anyone who knows us will know that we're not the kind of couple who would stray. I wasn't too worried about that. Her excuse, though?There's no more "spark" in our marriage anymore. Well, we have five kids, we've been married for 11 years, things are not going to be the way they were 11 years ago! I do want to know, however, what I can do about this. How do I put the "OH YEAH!" and the "OH MY GOD!" back into our relationship?I don't want a permanent separation for any reason but especially not for bad sex...
View related questions:
divorce, her ex, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): Oft times women may not be actually in an affair but they are moving in that direction. She is just easing you into the situation with "not a divorce just a separation".
Since she is the one that wants a separation ask her when she is moving out.
Talk to your lawyer and protect yourself.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): Well, this is a difficult situation that isn't going to get better for a while.You need to be fairly firm on where you stand in the relationship, let her know in no uncertain terms what she means to you, and what you do and don't want.If she wants a "break", she wants it for a reason, and the reason is probably an affair that has already started on at least the emotional level.The "break" is usually the beginning of the "breakup" and divorce and etc. If the marriage is going to survive, taking a "break" is not the right thing to do.Even if she is having an emotional and physical affair already, agreeing to "a break" is the wrong thing to do if you hope to preserve the marriage.Get a counselor, ask a lot of questions, and be prepared for a lot of painful answers.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 The most charitable thing I can say is that she's whacking you over the head.
You're both working and you have five children 10 and under. That is a holy cow difficult situation to be in. All of your children are at ages where they need an intense amount of parenting. It's no wonder at all that your relationship with your wife has suffered. Most couples end up putting their relationships to the side while they're intensely parenting.
I have to wonder if the two of you discussed this before you started with kids. Did you agree to having this many?
Frankly it's usually the guy who does this. Which is why I ask whether this situation was mutually agreed to.
What on earth is a "break" going to accomplish, other than getting your attention? Are you involved, are you changing diapers, taking kids to dance lessons, making dinner? If not, then you better get started.
If you're already doing that, then she's likely seeing someone else, no matter how improbable it seems. Your situation takes all the 'self' out of someone, and not everyone can cope. She may have found someone, at work, another parent at the school, whatever, that put the 'self' back in to her life. Someone who see's her as a desirable woman: not a mother, not a hospital worker, not a co-trainer of your menagerie.
What do you do? You carve out time so that you can just be a couple again. Not parents, not career people, just a couple. You find a way to be alone with each other, and you treat her like the princess you did when you were dating. Two hours a month? A weekend every three months?
Oh, I know it's hard. Five kids? How on earth do you hive them off for a few hours? But you better figure out a way, because unless I'm sorely mistaken, she's having an early mid-life crisis and is going to leave you holding the bag.
...............................
|
