A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in love with a loser for two and a half years. He is 7 years older than me. I believe he is addicted to drugs (cocaine, addy, maybe even speed). And I believe he is a cheater. I have found articles of women's clothing/accessories, spontaneously appear among his belongings. And I have heard people amongst us imply it. I am a very straightforward person and am used to dealing with straightforward people. Naturally, for most sane people, dating someone who abuses heavy drugs and cheats is an automatic deal breaker. I believe the reason I have had a hard time breaking away is because he has lied repeatedly and faked himself to be a person he is not. When I've confronted him about the women's accessories or the drug use (even with evidence) he outright denies it. Im not used to people lying to me about stuff like that, especially since he has been completely backed into a corner. My natural inclination is to believe him. Even though the evidence doesn't add up. I don't have an arsenal of things I feel the need to hide, which may be how he has always handled things and why he feels compelled to lie. I can't stand him and really want to detach myself completely from this guy. But I am having such a hard time. I believed for so long that he is something he is not. And even with the evidence, because he lies and denies everything, it leaves me even more confused! Its like he is trying to fuck with my mind. I have more question marks than I have answers with him. And I feel that is a large part of my obsession with this awful person. Everytime I have called it quits he always comes running back to me crying and begging. Its pathetic. But I always fall for it which makes me more pathetic. And I fear it will happen again and again. I don't want to date just yet, even though I feel that if I had another guy in my life that I was interested in, it'd be harder for him to come back. But Im just not ready. I just want my life back. How do I get rid of this loser from my head and my life????
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 Hi OP, you could try reading some of Melody Beattie's works including The Language of Letting Go. Essentially her writing is about codependent relationships, which doesn't always mean being stuck with an addict (though it's the common theme), it applies to any dysfunctional relationship. Therapy would also help you. I also suggest www.baggagereclaim.co.uk - it's a blog with posts about all sorts of problems in relationships. Readers leave their comments. Search the posts, maybe post your own story - you'll be amazed at how many other people are in similar situations and how supportive they are.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): Hi I am the poster. Thank you for the responses. Female anonymous, I think you are spot on. I've thought about this too quite a bit and several people have brought it up, believing this themselves, that he is a psychopath. For a long time he told me that something was wrong with him. That he always knew he was "different." He said alot of things that pointed to him having a personality disorder and him being aware of it, but he lies so much it is hard to know when he is telling the truth... He is aware that he is different but because of the conditions of his mental illness he cannot change, I suppose. I didn't understand psychopathy or how it would affect me, I didn't even realize it WAS affecting me. I thought it was something within him. I wasn't even sure he was a psychopath! Now excuse me for getting analytical but I've brushed under the surface to uncover a whole story behind this guy deeper than just his lying and cheating ways, which all in all is merely a symptom of a bigger problem. He has implied there might have been sexual abuse in his family by his own father, recounting an incident that gives me chills everytime he brings it up. But even he seems to be confused about whether this incident was "innocent" or not, which makes the story even stranger. How does a person merely suspect and not know for absolute sure if they were molested by their own father?? His own sister walked in on it and ran out of the room terrified! His mother was informed! Well according to him he knows something happened that was terribly wrong but the incident along with his concerns and feelings were never validated and instead were denied by his parents, so he lives in utter confusion of reality and fantasy. He was only two years old, this incident with his father is his very first memory. And he lives day to day in the same confusion that he caused me. His parents never acknowledged it, explained it, apologized for it. Nothing. His feelings and boundaries have been so invalidated and trampled on since birth by his own family that he doesn't know how to draw the line between what's real and what's not, right from wrong, love from hate. To him these are interchangeable. The incident torments him everyday yet even so he won't confront it and will not acknowledge that any wrong doing took place, I don't think he knows how. Yet he ALWAYS brings it up, he always brings up how tormented he is by this memory yet he still remains close to his parents... And I think he lives genuinely as confused by his relationship with his parents as I was by my relationship with him. A heinous act committed on him, done under the guise of "love," was painted to him as a work of fiction from his own imagination. That is how he was introduced to and understands "love." It was denied, he was gaslighted in his own house, he was invalidated and it was swept under the rug. Just like he did to me. He was completely dehumanized. He says his parents told him his whole life he is "too sensitive." Whenever he spoke up they would mirror his emotions back on him and tell him it was all in his head, he was merely being too sensitive. And he relives this sick dynamic and replays it in his present life in all his relationships. He has always told me that his family is full of secrets and they live deathly afraid of exposure. Basically all his parents ever taught him is you can do and get away with anything. All you have to do is deny, deny, deny, lie and twist it around and put the blame back on the person you hurt. Because he probably is a psychopath I should take everything he says with a grain of salt. For all I know he made all this up in an effort to triangulate and put me and his parents against each other. However, I believe there are no coincidences. And it is no coincidence that this man is as fucked up as he is. And this story about his upbringing which always remains consistent when he tells it, is the most logical explanation to his present behavior. It makes sense and it explains alot. And although he is a liar, it is more by omission, shifting blame, twisting reality and denial. He does not however have an active imagination. In so many ways I felt sympathy for him and even wanted to help him. But then I realized that I was not the girlfriend and never was. He wasn't treating me like the woman I deserve to be treated as. I could help him if I was getting something in return such as love and respect, at the very minimum! And if at the minimum, instead of reliving his own parents sickness in his own relationships, he showed the will to change, which he didn't. The lying, cheating, deceiving, manipulating. His life is too chaotic. I was getting so involved in his inner chaos and turmoil that I didn't even realize how poorly this guy was treating me. That I was being deprived in order for him to be fed with my compassion. Frankly, I think he just uses women in relationships to carry his burden for him, cause either he is too chicken shit to confront it himself or he just literally doesn't know how...I've been through my own problems in my life and I had to figure it out myself. So I can no longer allow myself to be caught up in HIS problem. I just pray that I have the strength to let go completely and put this behind me once and for all. I may seek out a therapist. If you wish to reply feel free to, would love to hear any more words of wisdom and advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): You have a fear of loneliness. You have to convince your subconscious mind that leaving this guy isn't going to force you into loneliness. You dread the thought of being single, and not having a relationship to retreat to.I have been there and done that. After I was dumped, nothing scared me more than to be pushed back into the dating world, and assuming my nights and weekends would be lonely. No one else to fallback on. Just myself. Turned out a lot better than I anticipated. I just needed to give myself a chance.In fact, that's your mind stirring up unsubstantiated fear. As I learned soon after my breakup. You become accustomed to being within a structured relationship. The mind will only recall the good moments within the failing relationship; when threatened by the possibility of its demise. The fear of loss and change will overwhelm you.Logic is challenged by fear.You are miserable. Confused and scared. You are lazy, and one-half of a co-dependent relationship. You exaggerate his deterioration and failure without you there to prop him up.He has women/ a woman on the side to prop him up. You're loyal, reliable, and user-friendly. Yes, user-friendly!Available on demand, and foolishly forgiving. Tell him it is over. Begin no contact, and seek support from family, girlfriends, clergy, counseling, and every other available source. Just let him go!!!Don't wait for tragedy to be the cause. That's usually the case with a drug-abuser. It often involves the police and judicial system. If not a coroner and a body-recovery unit.Find your freedom and peace of mind. Get out of that mess!You're old enough to know what comes after the breakup.The sooner you get detachment started, the quicker you'll reach your healing and recovery.You've survived it before, and you'll do it again. You have us here, and those who love you to get you through it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): Cut all contact this man is a psychopath.
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