A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i need help to resume my sex life with my bf after 9 months of no sex please. We have been together 3 yrs, lived together for 1.5yrs after he proposed out of the blue, and have a gorgeous 11month old who he dotes on. We stopped having intercourse as I was afraid it'd hurt after childbirth, but i still gave bjs. That stopped because he kept trying to take it further and literally ripped my panties off one night. I still breastfeed, which I know affects hormones, and that combined with sleepless nights and feeling unattractive means i have no interest in sex at all. I'm on maternity leave from work while my bf works shifts. He sleeps in the spare room so that he doesn't get woken overnight. We have little quality time together, and he doesn't want me to talk about feeling tired if I ever am, so I don't feel emotionally close to him anymore either. He wants me to kiss him every day, but my heart's not in it. We used to be very close and used to have sex daily even when i was pregnant. I've tried explaining i can't put out without feeling emotionally close to him, but he still keeps asking me to get naked with him, etc. I hate it! So now I feel i should just fake it til my desire for him returns. How do i do this? Any advice on how to mentally get in the frame of mind for sex with him when i don't really want it? Don't want to keep neglecting him sexually and want to try and salvage our sex life and relationship. Thanks :)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 December 2013):
 Tisha makes some very excellent points... I agree 100% with her and gave her 5 STARS!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2013):
 Why is his sleep protected when yours is not? Aren't you both parents of this baby? Having him pull some of the heavy parenting duty would be a relief for you after 9 months of interrupted sleep. No wonder you are not turned on, you are feeling resentful and overwhelmed.
You can't talk about how tired and overwhelmed you are to him. That's one disconnect. Everyone in a house with a newborn is exhausted. Why the ban on talking about it?
He sleeps in the guest bedroom because he doesn't want to be disturbed when he sleeps. Another disconnect. If he wants to be close to you, that would involve actually being in the same room for restorative sleep.
The worrying thing is that you feel overwhelmed and are working on trying to fix your sex drive, what is he doing to help? Sleeping in another bedroom? Ripping off your panties? Telling you to stop talking about how tired you are?
I would ask him to be your partner again in getting you close again.
By now, theoretically, you should be okay for intercourse. Was it a painful delivery, is that why you feel scared about having vaginal intercourse?
Here's an idea. Take him with you to your OB/GYN appointment. Have him sit there while your history is taken and you have an exam. Suggest he ask the questions that he must have after this baby was born.
Maybe it's time you two go away on a short holiday, leave your baby with your family, pump a lot of breast milk and try to reconnect.
I totally support the advice of the other aunts of going to see your doctor. You are not the first woman who feels sexually and emotionally disconnected from her partner and there is no reason to continue the misery. Go ask for help.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (11 December 2013):
Dear OP,
I don't agree that you should fake the desire until it comes back. Because I can totally see why you don't want to have sex right now. You're tired, stressed out, and having a baby etc. has gotten you emotionally distant from your husband. He's also not very good at seducing you, being pushy and ripping off your pants (not cool).
To get back together, you need to feel physically better first and be able to reconnect with him on an emotional level. Spending more quality time together, without the child, would be a good first step. Also maybe rejoin bedrooms some nights a week? "Putting out" just to keep peace is really no solution in the long run.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 December 2013):
i agree it's time to see the doctor... you could have postpartum depression that's negatively affecting EVERYTHING...
I have breastfed my children including an infant and toddler at the same time... you get touched out with a nursing baby and your hormones are all over but by 11 months I wanted to be close to my guy again....
it's time to move back into the same bed and same room. Missing a bit of sleep is going to be worth rekindling the emotions in your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2013):
 First, I would suggest you go talk to your doctor about you non-existent sex drive/libido. Even consider talking to him about having a touch of PPD ) postpartum depression) Secondly, maybe it's time to stop nursing, seems like you are hiding behind that to avoid sex. I know because I've been there, done that.
You have already detached yourself from him, you two need to find ways to get back together. Date nights, cooking together, doing things that doesn't INVOLVE sex (in the beginning) but make you spend time together and enjoying each other's company.
You don't find it just a little unfair that your BF gets nothing out of the relationship any more? Affection wise? All he is to you is a room mate who pays some of the bills and.. oh fathered your child. NOT fair at all.
Go see your doctor.
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