A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago. She cheated on me with some guy on spring break and a week after we broke up she hooked up with this same guy. I found out that she cheated with him after we broke up and after I heard that they made out a week after we broke up. Anyway, the guy is a huge douche he's been sneaking around behind my back and I asked him about it earlier and he lied to me of course and then I finally got him to admit stuff to me and he said he would stay away from her without me even suggesting that he do so and of course he's hanging out with her every chance he gets. She also is I feel a very manipulative person, using her emotions(crying and sadness) to sway other people to comfort her when she is in the wrong. I loved her and we were very close when we were together (we dated for almost 2 years), but as soon as I found out she cheated I felt like a lot of the stuff our relationship was based on (mainly trust) was a lie, so therefore my connection with her faded. Of course I still have feelings for this girl and I did hook up with some other girl recently, but didn't feel a connection it was just a hook up. My main question is, me and my ex girlfriend and the douche bag live in the same social circle and I have other groups I hang out with, but it seems that most of them are out of town for the summer and so now I might have to reach out to the friends within the social circle that they are a part of, which I also am a part of. How should I react in front of them? When I'm near she pretends she doesn't know the douche bag, I guess she feels ashamed? Because when she was drunk she was definitely flirty with him in front of me, so I guess that rules out the theory of her trying to spare my feelings. Anyway, for the time being I have been kind of not acknowledging her when I see her and acknowledging the other guy but giving him a nice stare. I'm much bigger than the other guy, so he cowers in my presence now... but he is definitely a douche bag. I want to sort of start talking with my ex to make things more amicable, but she is still hooking up with the douche that she cheated on me with and I feel like that is unforgivable. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to include this also:
Alright so I want to talk to the ex, but I don't want her to "win". She could win in the sense that she
wants to talk to me and she would be getting her version of the best of both worlds. Hooking up with other guys
but mainly the douche bag, while getting the advice from a morally conscious person- and being able to share
important things with me.
For me the only reason I'd want to do it is I guess to feel more connected to her
than he is. And for that reason it may be unhealthy. Of course to some extent I want to
hook up with her. Part of the reason is I'm horny, but a lot of the reason is that I don't
want that guy hooking up with her. She could hookup with other guys and it would be weird
but that guy - that just kind of sets me off. All of her girl friends know that guy sucks, and she's
been drinking alot more lately and acting kind of like an idiot, from what I hear.
I know she wants to talk to me. I sort of want to talk to her. My best case scenario
would be that this douche bag gets out of the picture. I find some other girl to hookup with
and then maybe me and the ex can have some real conversation. Until then maybe I should be sort of
cordial to her. And let the douche bag know that his actions aren't appreciated with a few
non-verbal glances. Advice?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice so far. So do you all think I should smile and say hello to both of them? Of course I'm still upset that she betrayed my trust, but I'm starting to move on... It just doesn't help to see them together. For a while I was kind of just not looking at her when I would see her and she would feel terrible, which I think she should feel for what she did. And the other guy I would for the most part not look at him and then someone might say something and our eyes would meet and he would see my dislike for him and then I'd give him a little smirk.
My intention isn't to mess with these people. Its a combination of letting them know what they did isn't gonna fly, and that I'm not someone to mess around with like that. I want to sort of stay in touch with the girl mainly because I can talk to her about certain things I can't talk to most random girls about. Of course I have other very close friends, but I do miss talking with her.
Optimal situation would be I would find some good girl that I could either hook up with or start dating and then talk to the ex. Not to rub it in her face... I'm not that type of guy.
But when we were dating I always felt that as long as I was talking to her a lot she would be content and almost fine with not hooking up- that was during her stressed times, otherwise we could have things going on. Thats one of the reasons I'm hesitant to just start talking to her, because it would seem that its her best case scenario. She gets to get good advice/ talk to me about important issues meanwhile shes hooking up/ secretly dating the douche bag - who really does suck. The guy smokes pot all the time and the only people who like him also smoke pot, so all his guy friends have a bond with him through pot. And she who doesn't smoke I dunno.
Anyway after that confusing story anyone have any advice?
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A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (17 June 2009):
 You should thank your lucky stars that you found out about her. It looks like the other guy dosen't want her either because you keep saying "hooked up" instead of dating.
Just be glad that she is now someone elses problem and not yours. you'll find someone who is worthy of your love in short order, i'm sure; and when you do you'll be happy you wasn't bogged down with her and her sluttish ways.
When you see them together smile and say hi, and act normal. let her know that you could care less what she does or who she does because you've moved on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): two years is quite a bit of time once the trust gone, there's nothing. you know she can't be trusted anymore and probably she'll do the same thing to that guy as soon as the opportunirty presents itself.
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