A
female
age
36-40,
*eepingwillow123
writes: What I want to know is how to get over lies and deception? My boyfriend and I have been together for eight years, starting when we were 14 years old. We had a situation about a year ago where I found out he'd been friends with a girl from work for about four years and failed to ever mention it to me. My first instinct is he'd been having his cake and eating it too. I was disgusted, appalled, and didn't want anything to do with him. If he could hide such a big secret from me for so long it wasn't possible that he loved me. He tried to explain it to me; his reasons were: 1.)He didn't think I should be mad but he knew that I would be and he didn't think it was fair, 2.)We weren't getting along for a great amount of time and she was a source of support he'd call to have fun conversations that weren't weighed down, 3.)She was easy to talk to and she listened in a way that I'd stopped listening. Basically he made it sound like it was all my fault. I will take blame, but only the fair share. I wont take all the weight. He agrees that their friendship went to far and he began depending on her more than me and that was wrong, that was where he crossed a line. We agreed that I shouldn't meet her because I'd probably rip her throat out. He also went as far as the cut the friendship off. He no longer works at the same building and confronted her to tell her he'd really screwed things up with me and they couldn't talk like they used to anymore. She was upset, obviously, because she was losing a friend and didn't understand why. My boyfriend said he honestly couldn't care less, that he never really liked her that much. I can accept all that because we are growing up and we are going to make mistakes. But I can't forget that he'd done that to me. I'm always scared about what he's keeping me in the dark about. I've explained it to him countless times; it wasn't the relationship that hurt me, it was the sneaking and lack of honesty that broke my heart.My thing is that I love him. This is obvious... eight years and all this crap... and he loves me too. He wants to marry me and have a life with me. I want that too, but my fear is so overwhelming that he will hurt me again. How do I get over this, or, will I ever really get over it? Someone, please, shed some light on the subject, help me see what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to waste my life fighting for his affection and gaining back my self worth, but I don't want to be without him either. Help?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Your both very young still and as you say have been growing up together for years. Are you together out of habit I wonder, do you depend on him too much?
It's not that there's anything wrong with you, don't put yourself down. He hid the friendship cos he knew it would upset you so he was feeling guilt. There may come a time when a man interests you, how would you deal with it?
Perhaps you need a break, both of you, majority of young people 'fall in love' several times through their teens, its a time to grow,have fun and be carefree. Don't let this one guy make you unhappy - make a descision
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): It's going to take time. Honestly, when someone broke your trust, it will take time to heal. If he loves you like you say he does, it will take time. Trust needs to be earned. You will be angry and upset and the scene/thought will come and go until you decide to put an end to it. If you want to move on or grow up as you say, then you need to stop the "film from rolling and rolling on and on". I know it hurts, but that's part of growing up and learning and growing a tough skin. In the meantime, start putting more effort doing other things that will help keep your mind off of it. Re-learn how to love and trust each other. Communication is also key. If you could do it all over again, what would you do differently this time around? Ask yourself that. Have you ever thought of making yourself image over? Like cutting or styling your hair differently? Or a hobby that you've been interested in before but never did? How about something that the two of you can do together? Re-learn how to communicate with each other. Smile or massge each other. Whisper sweet nothings in each other's ears. Smile. You are a good person. If you want it to work, then you and he need to work on it together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): So he isn't allowed to have friends now?
WTF is wrong with you?
A girl I worked with was engaged and yet we flirted and had a friendship not unlike the one your boyfriend had with this girl.
It never went beyond that and I would never even suggest it to her.
I liked talking to her. She was attractive and funny and hated my work as much as I did.
The problem here is yours not his. He can have whatever friends he likes and if you are gonna get paranoid and jealous when some of them have vaginas... then your relationships are doomed to fail because you don't trust enough.
Flynn 24
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