How do I get over the put-downs and insults, rather than feel hurt by them?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues

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Question - (28 August 2011)

3 Answers - (Newest, 28 August 2011)

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I met a guy almost a year ago who came on very strong. At first I was not interested in anything serious as he said he didn't want kids. But, he then changed his mind, and really came on heavy with saying he was in love, he wanted to be with me, etc.

For some back story, he is a bit older than me, and had this mix of kind of the ideal guy I wanted---very blue collar but really multi-ethnic and a combination of city/country.

I kept thinking it was weird for him to fall for me so soon. But, I guess I did believe him, even though I said I didn't.

I ended up really opening myself up to him emotionally---probably sharing a lot more with him than most people I have dated. He did a few very nice things for me. He really made me feel beautiful....I have never been with someone who actually made me feel beautiful in a romantic way...both face and body wise.

Well, the guy ended up lying about a lot of things...I do think he may be a habitual liar. He would go back and forth from liking/loving me one week, to putting me down about my weight or my home (and in very juvenile ways---his put downs seemed like something from elementary school---it almost seemed as if rather than explain how he felt or why he changed his behavior, (he would just not answer a question if I asked him. He would just smile and not answer or change the topic), he would just send me a put down email or text. Sort of like an immature way of pushing me away, but not telling me why.

All of the above paragraph should be enough for me to realize he isn't right in the head, and to not take his comments personally. But, it really does hurt...even months later. I feel like while he held me in ways that no one else ever has, it also seems like he hated everything about me (except sexual aspects). He put down my weight (though, he would tell me how much he loved it), he put down almost everything about me. It's like, he hated me with a passion.

I know I shouldn't care or wonder why...I should just think of the reality that we did not have enough in common, and his abusiveness and lying is not what I need in my life. I am definitely working on that. I guess I still feel like something is wrong with me for someone to hate me that much.

The guy had a lot of problems and was not where he wanted to be in life. So, my ego is a bit bruised by how he treated me, as I did not judge him for not being where he wanted to be in his life. I didn't judge him for a lot of the "baggage" he carries around. But, I feel like he just kind of dissected me and made me feel like this very ugly, unattractive both mentally and physically kind of person. I feel like I tried to be more open with him than most, and the things he said made me feel like I am too messed up to be with anyone. I know rationally that isn't true, but that is how I feel.

I had another similar relationship, in that there was this super strong attraction between myself and the other people. Super strong. But, while the guy may have been attracted to me, and I to him, the guy also seemed to hate every aspect of me. The guy even made a comment that he felt bad for my family to have me as a member (ouch!).

I know both of these men are not good for me, that both of these men and I didn't have as much in common as I have found with subsequent relations, that both of these men do not care about me at all, and I should never be with either of them (though, the first guy, if he acted differently, I don't know if I would be strong enough to say no), but I just wonder why they hate me so much. I don't know what I did to them to make them act as if I am this horrible person.