A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a relationship question, although I'm not sure which category of relationships it belongs to. I'm hoping someone in the forum can help me, because I'm angry all the time. I need to get over this, but I just can't get closure. I don't know where to begin, or how to organize my thoughts... I just want to say that I mean no offense to anyone. I just want help.It's about a relationship with God, and an experience I had in church that broke my spirit and caused me to be angry all the time. I'm not a Christian, and I don't think I'm meant to have a relationship with God. I'm not sure what I believe, but I've been searching for answers all my life. I was raised Baptist, and while there is nothing wrong with being Baptist, I had some very bad experiences in the Baptist church, some very poor role models, and I never want to go back to being a Baptist. I went to other Protestant churches (Methodist, Lutheran) and had similar feelings... nothing wrong with it, just not for me. A few years ago, I decided I wanted to become a Roman Catholic. There is a long story behind this, but I don't want to digress into that now. I had many reasons, and perhaps some of them will seem really superficial. I met some people who were Roman Catholic and felt like these people cared about me and accepted me.I had a really bad experience which broke my spirit. when I looked into converting, I met a priest who was VERY hateful to me. If I go into detail, I'll get all worked up again, but he said some VERY un-Christlike things to me and he was very hateful to me, when I went to an RCIA class to ask about ocnverting. Some of my friends saw this, and they didn't speak up for me but they all agreed that he was un-Christlike. He said that people who weren't raised Catholic aren't "real" Catholics and that we're basically scum. He said that I was unwelcome in the church. I became VERY angry, and I said, "You call yourself a man of the cloth? If Jesus Christ were still alive, he would CRY to see the way you've treated me. Oh, and by the way, you are the reason that I NEVER, EVER want to be a Christian. I hope your conscience is clear." Guess what he said? "Okay, that suits the hell out of me." This sounds like I'm making it up, but I'm in angry tears as I write this. It's easy to say that I had one bad experience and that this priest was only one person, but I have the impression that the Catholic church doesn't want converts and that I'll always be looked upon as an outsider. I can't imagine a Quaker minister talking to me that way, for example. I wish and wish I could talk to a friend about this but I am so afraid that I would offend that person and ruin the friendship. I just want to say that I don't mean to offend anyone and I'm not putting down anyone's religious faith. I have many friends who are Catholic and I know that in the faith, there are some "ridiculous" people, and there are some people who are reasonable. However, I'm beginning to think that the Church, per se, doesn't want people who were not raised in all-Catholic families. I HATE, HATE, HATE racism and prejudice of any kind and it angers me when people are discriminated against for ANY reason, including the families they come from. I have met other people in the church who have said similar things to me "You can never be a REAL Catholic because you come from non-Catholic parents, you converts are scum," remarks like that. I never want to go back to being Baptist again. Im not putting all Baptists down, I just have bad memories. It makes me sick that I was taught racism and homophobia. A very perverted woman taught that "it's wrong to marry someone of another race or nationality." I didn't believe what I was taught, but it disturbed me. I never told anyone, but at that time in my life, I was realizing that I was a different sexual orientation. I'm completely straight, but I'm attracted only to latin guys. Nothing wrong with anglo guys, I'm just not attracted to them... I felt overcome with guilt and fear that something was wrong with me. Now I realize that there's nothing wrong with m, I was just lied to by adults whom I trusted. I have very mixed feelings. My spirit is broken and I don't want anything to do with God, Jesus, church, etc. My desire for a relationship with God has been extinguished. I feel like God doesn't want a relationship with me and I don't want to seek acceptance where I'm not wanted. On the other hand, I feel sad and rejected when I see other people who have a spiritual life. My mother suggests I try a different Protestant church, but I was raised Protestant and know in my heart it's not the way for me. I don't want to be Catholic now because the way I was treated angered me, and because I feel like they don't want me, and I don't want to struggle to be accepted in a place where I'm not wanted, but now I I'm just sad and disappointed because I thought I'd finally found solace. I thought I'd finally found a place where I was wanted. I thought I'd found answers. The things I'd been searching for all my life. Now, I have the impression that they don't want people like me, people who were raised in non-Catholic families. I have the impression that people like me are looked upon as outsiders and therefore unwanted. I'm just disappointed because I want so badly to belong SOMEWHERE! I'm back to square one, wondering where the crap I DO belong.Ever since this experience, I'm still angry. I'm angry because of the injustice, that this person hurt me and they're getting away with it rather than get what they deserve. It just seems so unfair. I know I need to get over this, but I'm ready to explode from all the emotions I feel. I'm frustrated because I've searched for answers all my life, thought I had found the answers and solace I'd been looking for, and then I was disappointed. I'm confused because I'm looking for answers all over again. Above all, I'm angry. I'm angry because I was rejected, above all, (if God is real, which I question), by God.I look at other people who have I'm not sure if it's true, but I was taught that God speaks through other people. I oscillate: Sometimes, I feel like there's no God and everything is random. On the other hand, I wonder if the reason I had that experience was to reveal that I'm not meant to have a spiritual life and I wonder if there IS a God, he just doesn't want ME, and it makes me feel rejected. For example, the other day, I was looking at YouTube and I found a Johnny Lang song ("Only a Man") where he sings about his spiritual journey. It's a very intense song about a guy who is on the wrong path (I'm not sure if he means drugs/drinking, or just spiritually straying), then has a big epiphany, feels God's presence, and is overcome with emotion. It's a beautiful song but it made me sad... "okay, God spoke to this guy and to be in his life... but he doesn't want one with me." I just want to belong somewhere, something I've struggled with all my life. I've also struggled with unresolved anger all my life, and I know why I'm angry all the time. Stupid, hateful ignorant people who get away with acts of hatred and ignorance make me crazy. I'm so sad because I thought that the Catholic church was the niche I'd been searching for. I thought it was a diverse place for people who were looking for answers, solace and spiritual wholeness... and that people of all races, genders, backgrounds, and walks of life were wanted. Now, Im very soured on them because I feel like they don't accept outsiders. I'm broken before God and don't want him in my life anymore, but I can't get rid of this void, or resolve my anger, or get over my desire to belong somewhere. I'd like to discuss this with my friends, but I'm afraid I'll offend them. This sounds like a very superficial reason for wanting to become Roman Catholic (and I clarify that it's not my ONLY reason) but it means a lot to me. I've always loved Hispanic culture. More than just admiring it, I've always loved it so much that i wished I could be a part of the Hispanic world rather than just an outsider. I always knew that most latinos were Roman Catholic, but when I studied abroad in Latin America, I realized just how important the Roman Catholic church is to the latin culture. Even though a minority of latin people are Protestant, the Roman Catholic church's influence permeates the whole culture and it's inextricably tied to it. I have friends who were Mexican-American and raised Catholic and I envied them because they had a link to the culture I longed to be a part of. Before I went to Mexico, I had been to Quaker churches here in the States, and I had felt loved and accepted and wanted there... but when I studied in Mexico, my feelings changed. I felt like being Protestant would make me more foreign. This might sound superficial, but everyone needs to belong somewhere. Furhthermore, I wonder how this will affect my future relationships. I would like to have a boyfriend and eventually get married, but I realize that religion, or lack thereof, is a big part of relationships. I am very attracted to latino guys, but I realize that most are Roman Catholic. What if I were to meet, and fall for, a guy who happens to be profoundly religious? He might not want to get involved with a girl who is agnostic, like myself. He would probably want a partner who shares his faith. I know this is really long, but if you've read my problem, thank you... Am I wrong about the Roman Catholic church... why do they seem not to want people and welcome us?How do I get over the disappointment that I wasn't meant to have a religion? Could I have a meaningful relationship with a guy who is religious, or would my lack of a religion be a dealbreaker? What do I do about all the unresolved anger I feel for mean, stupid, ignorant people?
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 July 2009):
 Religion has several elements.
The faith, this is the basic believe in a god, heaven and hell, various miracles etc etc. Faith is about believing, not knowing. It is what you feel in your hearth is true regardless of what silly scientists say. (I am not religious btw)
The rules, this is catholics and fish (can't be arsed to look up what it is is), jews/muslims and pork. The rules have two goals. A: Appease god B: split the world up in us and them. The jewish fate is most honest about them, faced with the fact that they are typical majority a lot of the rules of their faith are based on allowing them to remain seperate (merge to much with everyone else and you just disappear) while at the same time living in relative harmony with others.
Then their is the institutiuon. The church, the priests, the whole order of things that make a religion a religion and not just a group of people who hear voices.
The faith is pure but also hard. It is hard to believe without having someone tell you what to believe. Being a true christian (how many hookers have you talked to let alone washed their feet?) on your own is impossible and likely to get you nailed to a piece of wood or electro shocked according to the fashion of the day.
So most seek rules to make up for faith. These rules can be rather odd. For instance it is apparently okay to beat a slave that he dies after two days but bad if he dies on the spot or within 48 hours. So the rules are interpreted. What for instance about a jew and an elevator on the sabbat? Rabbi's have thought of this and come up with answers. Other religions do pretty much the same stuff. It creates the various religions we have around. So many different kind of christians. Same book, same guy.
The institution is build on the rules. To function as a group, you need leaders and leaders need rules to be able to lead. But the problem is that the institution is not the faith. Pretty sure Jezus never preached sheltering child rapists from the law, yet that is exactly what the catholic church did.
The institution is like a politician who starts of pure and simple and wants to make a better world for everyone but years/decades/centuries/millenia of dealing with the real world creates a machinery around the original idea that... well... recently the pope visited africa. He did this on plane where there is several METERS of open space in front of his seat. That could have been stuffed with medical supplies and the jewellery he wore could have paid for it. Something happened in the time between Jezus and the Disciples and the Pope.
If you are seeking religion, then you are not just seeking the original faith but all the bagage that has landed with it. For you to find is what you seek. The faith, the rules or the institution. You can find faith alone but the sense of belonging comes witht he rules and the institution.
Faith can often be a deal breaker. I for instance could never be with someone who puts all their efforts in the rules and institution but seems to lack the faith itself. I have the greatest respect for true religious people who live their lives according to the original teachings of their faith. The majority of religious people however are NOT like this.
Up to you to decide how to deal with these kind of conflicts. I get the feeling you are more looking at a group to belong to than to find the answer to the meaning of life. Understandable, but if you want to belong to say the catholic institution then that means accepting all that comes with it. Including a clergy that seems somewhat removed from the teachings of their lord.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (25 July 2009):
 Just remember a couple of things...1)All religion is MAN MADE! ALL OF THEM! EVERY ORGANISED RELIGION IS MAN MADE!2) Those in organised religion who claim to be the most devout or pious are generally the most intolerant (of anyone else, their religion, looks, race, etc.)Your conflict is with the man-made concept of religion. Spirituality on the other hand is a very different thing. There are no orthodoxy in spirituality, it is between yourself and whatever you decide to call your higher power, if you believe in one.So seek your spirituality rather than pigeonhole yourself into a "faith" or religion. Just remember when you run across these types to just breath deep, count backwards from 10 and always remember that The Bible was written by people who thought the world was flat.....THAT SHOULD BE CONVINCING ENOUGH!
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (25 July 2009):
 First of all I must commend you for trying to seek a relationship with the most high, or what u call god.
Sometimes u face a lot of obstacles in your path to truth but these obstacles be it in people or situations, are simply there to test your character and faith.
Remember when u go through those trials and ordeals, remember those great prophets (jesus etc) who also faced a lot of criticism.
Their times and people were not dissimilar to ours.
You may feel god isn’t helping u, but if u relax a little and not take what these religious hypocrites say personally, then u will find things will work out for u and the most high will guide u.
u need faith & to remain positive for u to get his help.
Life is not a stage of random events, you are the creator of your own life, but above you is higher being whether u choose to believe in it or not. This is your choice.
Spirituality is the food for the mind and heart.
Being angry at others wont help u grow spiritually it will just hinder u, make u worried and cause u to be unhappy & stuck.
Remember people are people and are here to test u.
Other people who make u feel happy and good are angels.
everyone has the choice to do right or wrong and if u feel bad about certain groups/ people, trust your instincts, &don’t remain too long in their company.
Turn the other cheek to them.
True spirituals are not people haters, they are strong minded,
they are friends with their own kind
and recognise the enemy for what it is.
U don’t need to worry about your future becoz If u believe in him, things will work out for u.
If u don’t have faith or have little faith then u will continue to feel as u rubbish as u do.
God doesn’t need any of us, but we do need him.
He is the sustainer of the entire galaxy and worlds
and although we are human and make mistakes,
he still keeps his word and provides for us
whether we be good or bad,
but he doesn’t guide everyone just the ones he chooses!
No religious group in this world is entirely 100% right…. There’s always more to be learnt,
U need to follow your own path in life, dont let the disapointments effect your faith.
if u don’t give up faith in him, then u will be happy within and that’s the best life.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): your wrong.
All religions that rely on people are the same - extensions of the people within them. You don't need to be part of an organisation to celebrate what you feel or believe. Why do you need others to steer you? is your faith that weak? Is that not true worship?
however to answer your questions: everybody has whatever they want. You could have a meaningful relationship with a religious guy (but not the pope). You look along the path of anger and at the other end you find love. You are angry because of x. which must mean you love Y. so use this...
star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): Let me try to explain how I got where I am... see if this is of any help... I was raised in the typical 1970's screwed up middle class home... My grand parents were devote Catholics, Dad (their son) was a rebelious beatnik and met my mother, a revelious society gal in the late 50's, married in 1960... her family was really messed up and belonged to the "christain" church... basicly fundametalists.My parents didn't embrace their parents religons, but we kids ere raised Catholic. Religion never stuck with me, and I had serious issues with the church from a very early age, as the "rules" just didn't make sense... why would an unbaptised child not go to heaven...etc...So, I ended up telling myself that I was alone in this world, and that it was all about me and my ability to make things happen. There was no one else out there...Fast forward to my late 30's and the world is falling apart. I'd been around some folks that had walked though alot of stuff and come out in good shape. I'd heard them say things like "let go and let God", "your not in this alone"... all kinds of stuff. I was in crises, not sleeping, and my world was collapsing in on top of me (looking back it was a TINY event, that had ZERO bearing on my life) Late on night, when I couldn't sleep I got up, sat in the den quietly, and thought to myself, I can't be all there is, there's just no way. At that moment I understood something rally simple...All I need to do, it acknoledge that there's something in the universe that's more powerful than me. I don't need to understand it, or be able to quote chapter and verse of some book. All I need to do is craft a design that is a God that makes sense to me, not the God that others shoved down my boyhood throat. My God is loving, and not focused on just me. He's never let me down, and has always been there. While sometimes I've not gotten exatly what I want, today, what I have is 1,000 times more than I thought I'd ever have when life was it's worse.So, today, I can have a little conversation with a God who's always ready to listen - and doesn't judge me. It's simple and it's nice... I can be me, and He loves me none the less... I'm not sure that this helps, but it works great for me!
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