A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am still very distraught and sad over my divorce that happened over a year ago. Mainly because I did not want the divorce to happen, nor did I see it coming. I was very much in love with my husband, we were married for 3 years and together for 5, and have a beautiful 4-year-old son. I always had a very amazing connection (physically, sexually, mentally) with him and it seemed the same way for him. I also had a special connection because we had our first child together, and we were wanting 1 more in the future. My husband came out of nowhere one day and said that he loved me but was not in love with me anymore and wanted to file for divorce ASAP so that he wouldn't have to 'go on like this any longer' as he put it. I was honestly completely shocked as I had no idea he was feeling these types of ways with our marriage. I always thought our communication was a strong point, but I now realize that towards the end he shut down on me and emotionally checked out. I still don't know why. He got into a new relationship only about 2 months after our separation which hurt me pretty badly. Because here I am like a fool hoping that maybe he will come around and we can work things out. But he wanted to just move on immediately. I obviously need to just get over this, but the question is how? I still care about him and love him a lot.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2016): I'm sorry this happened to you and your little boy. I've gone through the same thing before, except I did not have a child with him (thank goodness). He had 2 affairs earlier in the marriage and always got caught. After 4 or 5 more years, I was stupid enough to think we were past all that stuff, and we were doing fine. Then on Easter 2010, he jerked the rug out from under me by telling me he wanted a divorce. I had absolutely no idea that he had a mistress again, I guess he got smarter and learned to cover it up better. Long story short, he eventually married her and they are still together as far as I know now. I was so pissed and bitter, and even wished death on both of them. I was pretty much single for 5 years after that, save for a few brief flings. I was ruining my chances for happiness by being so bitter and angry toward him and his wife. I finally woke up and realized that I was still allowing him control over my life and I needed to stop. When I let go finally, I met the love of my life and now we are engaged. So, long story short, don't let the bitterness ruin your chances of happiness. You are only letting him win. The best revenge is getting over it and living your life.
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (18 February 2016):
 "I obviously need to just get over this, but the question is how? I still care about him and love him a lot."
A prerequisite is for you to do exactly the opposite of how you answered the above question that I quoted you. Your love for him, and care, is based on your irrational hope, a sort of a holdout of times when you two were together. You maybe accepting the reality that he has divorced you but, year later, you are failing to accept what his divorce ultimatum actually means.
Let me give you a context...
Your Ex husband is, in my opinion, a cheater who found a new woman and for the sake of his infatuation over her he wracked his marriage, and decided that being a father is not worth it. The fact that you found out that he hooked up with a new woman two months later is because name wanted to reveal it to you.
Therefore, if I was you, I'd muster up some sense of anger of how vile he is, not just towards you, but towards his own child whom he would rather leave fatherless over another woman with whom he got infatuated with.
Instead of loving him, you should, frankly, loath him for being such a lothario, a selfish deceiver who has lied to you about his love for you from, probably, the get go. Your resolve should be so firm that even if he decided to seek you back, you should totally refuse and leave him hanging.
All of these wonderful things other aunts here are telling you will not help unless you change your internal understanding about how vile he is. Once you do that, all these great suggestions will help you transition towards being an independent, whole woman.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (18 February 2016):
 Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know this can be painful.
Part of it is accepting reality. Clearly your ex has moved on and my guess is that this new person he is with was likely in the shadows when he asked to get out of the marriage. The chances of you getting back together don't look good.
Unfortunately, cutting your ties with him and not being resentful is tough, since you share the bond of a child.
Here are a few ways to move beyond this:
1) Enjoy life. Create a life that is BETTER than his. Travel more, do fun things more, be the best you can possibly be. Here is a time for you to take stock of what you want out of this life and do it. Too often we put life on hold -- take it and live it.
2) See a therapist. Sometimes talking it out with a professional can help you work through the resentment, guilt and frustration that you are feeling. Even if you go for a few sessions, you may find it helpful.
3) Begin to date -- at least tentatively. If you feel up to it, begin to seek out a companion again. You might be surprised at what you find. Decent men are available that can be supportive and loving.
4) Realize that you cannot change this situation. Look up the "serenity prayer". Say it and remember it. Right now you are hoping to change a situation that you are powerless to change. You are basically putting your entire life on hold and precious time is slipping by that you could be enjoying. Instead your are secretly punishing yourself (perhaps you have doubts that you could've been a better wife / lover / mother in some way).
Ultimately time will be your friend here. But you will have to take some action and do some work to find relief. Things will get better.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 It is going to be difficult to get over this. Especially when it was him that wanted this to happen and it seems that it was all one sided. It can be a shock to the system when you where not even aware that there was a problem between you both. Has he offered you any closure at all? Gave you any reason why he didn't want to stay and try and work on the marriage?
It is often a bitter pill to swallow but you must try and accept his decision. It will be painful and difficult but he has ended the marriage and is going out with someone else now so you need to accept this. Try and cut all contact with him unless off course it is to do with your son. Ensure your son doesn't suffer from this and has regular contact with his dad. Maybe visit a grievance counselor.
Most importantly you need to move on with your life. You are still young. Accept that this chapter is over. When your son is with his dad, use this time to do fun stuff. Go out with friends, join social clubs and begin new hobbies. Make the most out of your life and soon you will think less and less of your ex husband.
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