A
male
age
30-35,
*akeHales
writes:My girlfriend (20) and I (19) go to the same college, and have been together for the past couple months. It's been, for the most part, an excellent relationship. We care for each other a great deal; heck, I think I'm in love with her. And, for the record, this is my first relationship.The problem here is with me. I am tormented by my girlfriend's past.She had been in a previous relationship for two years (with a guy I never met) that ended badly. It was weird at first knowing that she had already experienced everything that was so new to me - the cuddling, the kissing, etc. But I knew that was a stupid thought, and got over it.But I've had far less luck getting over something else. Around this time last year, while she was still somewhat depressed and recovering from her breakup, she - over the course of a week or so - responded to the advances of a friend of hers, and started sleeping with him. Then, a couple weeks later she was spending a week in the city where he lives, and stayed and slept with him again, for a few nights.The first time she told me about it, a few months after it happened, she said she didn't regret it and had fun. But she said that the guy got attached to her - and that she had NO feelings for him - so she wanted him to dash any expectations of a relationship. More recently, she said she's come to regret it deeply - that she totally stepped out of character, and made a big mistake.The problem is, I know that guy. We used to be friends, before he started freaking out over the fact that we started dating. But often when I'm by myself, I start imagining them together, making out, cuddling, sleeping with each other. Every time I hear his name, I feel myself recoil, and the disturbing images enter my mind again. I end up feeling a mixture of sadness and anger.I know this is my problem. I've talked to her about it and she is very understanding, and said she'll help me get over it. She is so dedicated to me. I'd hate for something stupid like this to damage our relationship. Help?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (16 May 2013):
Most young women start having sex younger than guys because they are attracted to, or get the attention of, older guys that are more experienced, maybe pushy, and the girl often feels more used and taken advantage of than any feeling of something amazing happening. The problem you have is that you want it to be special but it's spoilt because you think of her doing the same stuff with someone else. But realise that she wants to be with you, that is special. The relationship is far more important than sticking a penis in a vagina, especially when the girl is often drunk. Whether you can realise this without having sex with a few other girls I don't know. You will find that your girlfriend won't really understand what the big issue is, and will start to get frustrated if you drag it out too much. Time, especially if you spend it together, will help the thoughts stop happening, and ask her not to mention her activities with other guys. Good luck.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (16 May 2013):
 Search for the term 'retroactive jealousy' on this site: you'll find many other people who have had the same problem and much advice on how to deal with it. If you have any other questions after reading that ask here again.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (16 May 2013):
She's told you all this because she trusts you and felt you'd understand. So although you do feel negatively about it, you will just have to keep it to yourself and try to forget about it. Just concentrate on the fact that you two are together and enjoying it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 May 2013):
 You need to figure out why this bothers you. The reason will present the solution.
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