A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, How do I get my lying, cheating friend out of my head?? I was conned and lied to by a girl I thought was a friend of mine just so she could take my ex (we were on a temporary break)! I totally trusted her but she ended up ruining my life, with her lies, pretending nothing was happening and then breaking up our friendship, once she'd gotten what she wanted.To cut a long story short - I feel humiliated by the fact this happened to me, I was totally oblivious to it all and fell for all her lies. I have tried for a year now to forget about it, I no longer speak to her or my ex and have cut her out of my life on Messanger and Facebook etc. I have even tried counselling to help me move on which was useless ( and only done over the phone once a month). So my question to the "Aunts" is how do I stop thinking about this awful situation? I regret being so foolish and gullible and I feel like all I want now is revenge - but it's way too late for all that now. Has anyone else been hurt and humiliated like this? How do you cope?
View related questions:
facebook, move on, my ex, revenge Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2016): Have you thought of fixing counselling through your doctor.Once a month over the phone is rather cold contact.When you fix with the doctor ,you fill in a form and they allocate a physical time slot and an available counsellor where you can unviel everything.They dont interrupt when you speak and you can take the conversation through a series of timezones.eg" I put all my faith and effort into being with him and he just used it as a prop to move onwards and upwards.He kept all the mutual friends so I had to start totally anew.Thats not the first time I had to do that because in the past this, this and this happened and it left me bereft.Now I feel Im right back at square one again etc"Just example of how thoughts can jump a bit and when you pause they will help you to isolate events that dont need to be interlinked and give you strategies to repair some of the damage that you feel has been unacknowledged or hard to move forward from.eg "Do you think perhaps you put your faith into someone wbo was ultimately unworthy of it..or do you think he became unworthy over time?" etcOnly your therapist would know the direction and purpose of your thoughts and their recovery strategies.Some people make out that they have it all and on closer inspection they have nothing that you would want.They build their houses on castles of sand.Deceit, lies, envy and jealousy.Others just cant help generating good energy and it flows freely around them.You can feel that negative energy is being sent to you from association with them because they are trying to convince you they have it all, when they dont.What we would like is for you to meet a genuinely positive person and then you could feel the rush of positive energy around you and it would increase the security of your own positive energy and generate more positive energy and thoughts in you!Where do the seeds of negative energy come from? Yes ,they come from people and also sometimes from the atmosphere, so that a bad day looks terrible, a normally sound person wants a revenge, or other stuff.Dont be down on yourself because you are definately worth it and the bad day will pass. Dont be influenced by double negative people. Tune in only to positive people!A conversation can move forwards either way depending on the angle you are coming from.God may have your lifelong partner somewhere in sight and you maybethinking that they are way out of your league.But have faith that God has seen what you have been through.Have faith that those who walked the path before you understand how much that situation had the potential to undo you and notice how you have nearly come away unscathed.Be thankful that God gave you the strength to do so.If you are not even remotely interested in your creator at least figure out that your time on earth is better spent than servicing losers of that calibre.Materialistic souls.Energy draining souls.Smoke and mirror souls.Dont waste your time drinking at their well of poisonous water.Buddhist centres offer free meditation lessons.Maybe there is a class near you that could bring you peace of mind (as well as counselling.)Dont look back on those two.They will be hitting a point of conflict soon and desperate for a diversion.Dont be that diversion.You have done extremely well so far.When others confide in you that they have managed to take their much lusted object of affection from someone else dont feel pain.Know that you are not their admirer in this but dont bother to tell them because they must learn their own lessons in life.Just wish them well and take little notice of them because you have your own life to live and hopefully it wont consist of one endless game of tug of love.There are so many other ways to experience love and life and you will want a partner that also doesnt get his kicks from tug of love, the winner takes it all theory.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (30 November 2016):
 Seriously it's been a year and you're still grieving over a lost friendship; a lying deceitful GF and EX? These obnoxious people were weeds in your life; they needed plucking out! Instead you want to water these weeds, cultivate them, and give ‘em fertiliser; which take up valuable head-space and precious time.
Perhaps you are a melancholy type of person, who dwells in the past? A healthier thought would be to see yourself free of such deceitful liars in your life, not turn them into an occupation that consumes your waking hours.
I can tell you right now; they've moved along in their pathetic lives while you still dwell on them a year later. By now I think you’d be thankful of those lessons for making you all the wiser and free from people like them.
Whenever I get a bitter moment/thought of past betrayal I recognise it as static on the radio... I can either keep listening to this static noise (hurt and humiliation) let it cultivate into depression OR change the channel (to positive thinking) so it becomes clear of weed infestation.
What they did was wrong, just as it is wrong of you to keep recycling this awful situation in your head. Stop running the despair treadmill, send ‘em a Xmas Cake with laxatives, and go spend quality time with your true friends and family.
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2016): Thanks for your answers, in particular Honeypie. But I still feel people like this shouldn't get away with treating people like this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 November 2016):
 I agree with Denizen.
It's harder than it sounds, but you HAVE to let it go. LET them go.
She wasn't the only one who betrayed you. Your ex-bf joined her willingly in that. He CHOSE to believe whatever lies she told, over you, a person he KNEW intimately.
IT happens that people turn out to NOT be as kind, good, nice, friendly etc. as we thought. It happens that people hurt us, physically or emotionally. It's what you DO with that pain that counts.
I had a VERY close and good friend stab me in the back once (not over a guy, though, but regardless, it was betrayal) and it was hurtful and honestly hard to wrap my head around. It took a while before I would "evict" her from my thoughts and heart, but like Denizen said.... WHY are you STILL giving these two people POWER over you? Why let them live "rent-free" in your head? Making YOURSELF miserable on THEIR behalf? THEY (neither of them) are WORTH it.
I don't see why HER actions are humiliating for you. SHE is the one who was deceitful, full of lies, conniving, and a backstabber.... HOW is that your fault or humiliating for you? You did what a GOOD person does, YOU trusted that she was a friend. YOU were a good friend. NO skin of your nose. SHE has to LIVE with what she did, you can choose to let it go. She can't. Every time she looks at your ex, she will know HOW she "got" him....
And your ex-BF while you might think that you two would have gotten back together and everything would have been "perfect" - stop lying to yourself and make HIM out to be the "catch" of the century. He was MORE than willing to believe lies and jump ship. There was a reason you two were on "break". A relationship that needs "breaks" is not a lasting one, nor a healthy one.
So FIND it IN yourself to tell yourself EVERY time you think of them "I dodged a bullet with these two people" - my life IS and WILL be better without them in it." OVER or over. OR make a mantra that fits better for you.
Right now you are so caught up in the "what could have been" but you need to let them go so you can find YOURSELF and your NEW path. They are no longer part of your life. So DO NOT let their "misdeeds" shape YOUR life. LOOK to the future. WHAT would you like to see happen in YOUR life? What goals do you have and how do you go about achieving them? Career, personal, travel - there is a WHOLE world out there. You can either FOCUS on building a better life without those two losers or sit and be miserable... What path do you think is the one you should go for? YOU are the ONLY one who has that power.
You know the saying :" live a good life is the best revenge" it's true. So go for it. Reach for the sky. Make NEW friends. Enjoy life.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2016): well dear 20 something. This thought is on so many peoples minds that I think the answer might be to put value on yourself that doesnt depend on your relationship.For example there must be something good about you that neither he nor she could ever hope to achieve which is why they decided to suit each other because their glaring faults complemented each other.The problem is that you cant figure out what is so wonderful about you that they cant hope to have.Perhaps it is honesty.Maybe you could start singing karoke at least Cry me a River ..the version by Justin Timberlake that was such an epic success...At least you could thrill family and friends with it!Maybe you are on a pathway to better things and the only way you were going to get there was by dropping these two.Mercifully they managed to drop themselves out of your life and you didst have to do the legwork on it.How do you cope with the betrayal and the friendship that wasn't good!You dont!In a way you just have to brush the dust off your feet and carry on with your own set of unique skills that make you into the person you are.Thank the Good Lord there were no children involved!Imagine if there were two little ones born only weeks apart.You would end up in a tug of love situation over the kids.The new couple often want to appropriate the single parents child and at the very least you would be dropping your son or daughter off every second saturday or sunday, never being allowed in through the door, just saying "hi i will be back at six!" or whatever to your former friends and off you would go home or shopping or to get your nails done while they consider if the child is ok or your clothes are good or rubbish etc!But by then you would have gotten past your former distaste at their deceits and you would just hope they would be as nice to your child as you would like etc.So consider that one less stress in life and try to imagine being with a guy who really only loves exclusively you and your little family.A man who will work hard all his life to keep you happy and feel privileged to have his happy home life with you and your little ones.Keep that thought in your head.There will be a decent partner for you ultimately. The other sort come and go like cornflakes.They soon pass through and may leave a bit of a stink, but you wont be missing them when your done.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (30 November 2016):
 You have to take a conscious decision to not care.
If you must console yourself do so in the thought that the pair probably deserve each other, and be grateful she took him off your hands.
All this enmity you are harbouring is, as they say, like taking poison and expecting it to kill someone else.
They don't care about you. They aren't giving you a second thought. Why are you wasting your life caring about them?
...............................
|
