A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Ok, please don't judge me on what i'm about to say because everyone I have tried to talk to has: My name is Hayley and i'm 15, almost 16. A few days ago my boyfriend broke up with me, he said he didn't love me anymore. We had been together for exactly 13 weeks (new years day we got together). We were going through a bit of a rough patch in our relationship as he had (accidentally - I can verify that now) stood me up on a few occasions. I myself find it very hard to trust people, not just men, and according to my friends and family I am a lovely and caring but extremely shy and secretive person, my ex is a very sensitive and emotional person, and he had told me that in all his past relationships (he is 17, almost 18) he had drawn his partner in and then left them distraught for months when he suddenly disappeared with no trace. He doesn't know why he does this, it just happens and he hates himself for it. Anyway, he told me that when he met me (we got together days after meeting) that he felt we had something completely different, something special, I felt this too, and he knew straight away he would never, ever, do this to me. He asked me to open up to him, to let down my stone and steel barriers and let him in, and I fell so hopelessly in love with him I did just that. I find it hard to talk to people about my feelings, and so I wrote him a letter explaining everything, and how I felt about him (this was after the standing-up argument) but he was completely blank, emotionless when I asked if he had read it, he just said "Yes." and that was it. It absolutely ripped me apart when he just didn't care at all, and then, just after coming back to our boarding school after being at home for a while, when I was feeling new and refreshed and happy, he almost completely ignored me for just over a week, leaving me in a mess, wishing him to call, answer my text, his phone, anything, but I didn't harass him, I waited for him to talk to me first. Then, out of the blue, facebook chat pop up: "Hey". I was suspicious, I said hello, and asked him if he was ok, he said no, I asked if it was something to do with me, he replied in the affirmative. I saw it coming straight away, but somehow I thought he'd say we could work it out or something, and, it being two weeks till I saw him in person, I said to him "If there is anything you need to talk about, don't wait until we see each other, if it's bothering you, talk to me here and now so we can resolve it." He said; "It's not that you're not caring, it's not that you're not an amazing person, it's not that..." etc, I can't even remember now, a list of reasons, then he stopped, and then he wrote; "I just...don't... love you anymore..." It killed me. It absolutely ripped me apart. I asked why, why, I said I didn't understand, a friend stepped in and started telling me to get over it. We were so close, so close, so in love, nothing wrong with our relationship, everyone said we were perfect for each other, we had something I can't describe. After that I deleted and blocked him on every site on the internet, not without difficulty, he called me up in tears, begging me not to hurt myself in any way, I told him I loved him, and put the phone down. 2am, I put on warm clothes and walked down to the local park, I called up my best friend, he sternly gave me advice, I was completely blank and all out of tears, he made me feel a little better. Two hours later I came home and slept. It's been a few days since then, I have been doing everything and anything to keep myself busy, I have a house party invite, planned a trip to my best friends house, I am currently building a climbing wall with my dad whilst practicing my figure skating and revising for my GCSEs, A* student - not boasting, just emphasising the point that my life is otherwise brilliant. Planning my future career as I pilot, I have an interview and open day at Heathrow coming up, my life is perfect and nothing could be better... but I am dead inside, I feel nothing but constant pain or just blank, nothingness, I feel like a robot, programmed to live my life with a smile on my face, and cry my heart out in private away from people. I am lost, I have no idea how to live without him. I know all that will probably seem far-fetched, silly, and any other negative and critical opinions you may have, so please, if you have nothing nice to say, don't bother, but I need help, I don't know how to get over him and my life is hanging in tatters around my sides.
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female
reader, mixedmonique  +, writes (13 April 2011):
Sweetheart. I am in my 30s and I am also experiencing a difficult breakup. (5 days no contact as of today) I truly have to credit all of the postings I have read on the internet with helping me keep my sanity and with helping me understand the different stages and emotions of the aftermath of a breakup. I have ended relationships before and never had this much difficulty, but this time was different. I loved him so much and experienced so much more trauma in this relationship as well. We were together 3-1/2 years. The good times were amazing and the bad times were horrifying. The first 2 years were great, but the last year and a half has been like something out of a bad movie. This man that I believed loved me more than life itself became verbally and emotionally abusive. He was going through a difficult time after a job loss and no income and I understood that. I tried to be supportive emotionally and financially, only for him to begin to take his anger and frustration on me. Every conversation became an argument. Not just your standard argument, but very abusive name calling, insults, put downs and anything he could do to leave me sniveling in tears. I put up with for soooo long thinking he would change...things would change.... but they only got worse. Last week after a particulary brutal verbal attack, I finally got the courage to decide to let go once and for all. I hung on out of fear of being lonely, fear of missing him, fear of him finding someone new and replacing me, etc. etc. I was becoming depressed and anxious towards the end of the relationship and I had to make that decision to save myself and to free myself from an unhappy, miserable relationship. He called me last weekend and demanded I go to dinner with him and his friends and I put my foot down... said no..., blocked his calls and emails and have not spoken to him since. Initially after I did that I was consumed with depression, fear and anxiety. Today (day 5) was the first day I woke up from a good nights sleep... I didn't wake up panic-stricken, anxious and depressed. My anxiety got so bad, I was visibly shaking all day. I suffered through several days of that, but during this time, I continued to force myself to go on my daily runs, I went to a movie last night (by myself) and have been functioning enough to make it to work. Today, I feel so much better. I have not attempted to call him or contact him any way and for this I am proud. I am slowly realizing (with help from friends and the internet) that there has to come a time when you REALLY have to let go. It hurts like hell, perhaps the most difficult thing I have had to endure this far, but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. YOU MUST, tell yourself you are committed to letting go and DO IT! Noone can do it but you. You must be strong. That is your only ally when it comes to letting go. Your inner strength. Next time I will know to let go of a relationship when it just isn't working. I am getting over this quicker than I anticipated, but that is because I sweated out the past few very painful, difficult days with only one goal in mind... and that is to let go for REAL this time. My mind is winning over my heart right now and it feels good to take back control of MY life. You can live without this person. You did before you met him and you will after him. Please take this seriously and be strong. Let go, otherwise you will continue to stay in the same state that you are. Unhappy and lost... Tell yourself you are worth it and that you care about you! You are the most important person and you deserve to be happy. Only you can do it for yourself. You cannot derive your happiness or reason for existing from another person. In the real world, it does not work that way. Think positive regarding letting him go. It is not a loss. You are gaining your self-esteem, self respect and self love back. There is life after this person! I promise you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): The first few weeks are the hardest, so tough it out and hang in there because things will get better. Its wicked of him to go around, getting girls to fall for him and then leaving them. It sounds as if he gets his kicks from behaving this way. He needs to get over himself! The boy has issues and over time you will be glad things ended when they did. Because he cant commit to anyone. In 10 years time, he will still be hurting women and leaving them because hes shallow and scared. Dont let him know how upset you are because it will just feed his ego. If you have to have any contact with him, be bright and breezy! And tell him you think it was for the best you broke up really, because you were getting a little bored but you didnt like to mention it. That will pop his Vanity Bubble. Im sorry but he sounds a total plonker!Not too long ago, I was charmed into falling for someone and telling them i loved them. And i found out a few months later that he was using the internet to chat up women with the very same lines he had given me! I dumped him but i was heart broken and cried for a few weeks. But ive met someone else and hes ten times better than the guy i thought was my soul mate! So dont be too sad because great things await you and you are definately better off without that idiot. Hugs x
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (10 April 2011):
 Firstly *big hugs* Now your not going to believe me but one day maybe weeks/months from now you will wake up feeling better and happier trust me on that because there is someone out there for you who will love you just as much as you love them, i have been exactly where you are where it feels like your heart is broken and you just dont believe that you will ever cope without him and that you wont ever be happy again without him it does go eventually you wont ever forget him or the hurt he caused you but after a while it wont matter so much your young and time really does heal all wounds and your first love is always the hardest to get over. Just concentrate on other things keep busy see your friends there whats important
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A
female
reader, Anonymous711  +, writes (10 April 2011):
You're not being silly, this happened to me before. I felt dead and that I had to live my life for others as if nothing i said mattered. You will get over him, i promise. It just takes time, it took me at least a year and i still think about him, i dont love him now but i still like him. You have got to be strong, cry if need be. Forget about him, he isnt work it, something must be wrong with him. Sounds like you got a good life ahead of you so dont throw it away. Carry on as normal and talk to people you trust if you cant write things down as if your writing a letter to someone. i know it may sound stupid but at least your getting your feelings out. Think of your future and as if he is nothing, inside you will be hurt but time will heal that. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): It has just been a few days, it is true what they say, time is a great healer. You are doing the right thing keeping busy.
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A
female
reader, nokutenda  +, writes (10 April 2011):
All wil be ok with time.keep on keeping busy,one day u'll meet someone who will cherish u.its stil just days after yo break up,so obviously it stil hurts and u feel empty,its understandable.write all you are feeling in a journal-it helps. Live one day at a time. Cry if you want to, its ok. We all have been hurt one way or the other but trust me,the pain will pass.Its good that you have blocked him,its good for you, do not have contact with him till you are over him. Its not your fault he said he doesn't love you anymore,he has a problem he needs to deal with- isnt he has done it to his ex galfrends.in the meantime concentrate on your school work and have fun
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