A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do. I need serious help. I broke up with my fiance a year ago, and I have been in a new relationship for 6 months. I broke up with my fiance because he was abusive on many levels, and plain disrespectful. He would constantly get mad if I didn't smoke or drink with him when I wasn't even a smoker. He would point out girls and tell me I should grow my hair that long. He would grab at my stomach fat-even though I'm only 111 lbs. and I would try to defend myself saying that I used to be in better shape when I was a swimmer, and he was like "cool, so you will be even hotter?" I always knew I deserved better, he was ten years older and balding and treated me this way. He would get in a really bad mood if I didn't let him drive my car. My dad bought me a car for graduation from college but took it away when I moved far away to live with this jerk. I also had about $2,000 left to pay my dad back. My fiance blew up at me when he asked me if he could give the $2,000 to my dad and keep the car for himself back in the state where i was from since he was renting out houses to people out there. I said no because if we were to have it it would be mine because my dad gave it to me as a gift and i had been making payments on it for a year. Plus, my fiance owned his own business and made a lot more money than me, besides he ended up buying a mustang a few months later. The list goes on about ways he tried to control me and incidents that were just plain horrible. He flipped out that I burned his french fries or undercooked them when I was getting ready to go out with one of our friends to NYC for the first time, saying I didn't make him a priority. He threw my purse and phone and blocked the driveway so I never ended up being able to go. Then he apologized and since I was still in shock didn't really know how to react and he got mad saying I should forgive him. I don't know, I know or at least think I know these are all good reasons I left-the last being i asked him to buy his own shower stuff since i made way less. That didn't work, since i wasn't able to afford to help out with his $3,000 morgage he said i needed to get out or help pay rent. well, i couldn't, so i left. I would have if I had the money, but the summer i moved in with him i went into credit card debt for him so i could pay for groceries. he said he wouldn't go into debt for me, and so i asked if i had to go in debt for him but he didn't answer. i'm still trying to get out of that debt. i guess my question is, i'm with a nice guy now who respects me, but lately all i can think about is my ex. even though there were many bad times, there were good times too. I guess i just don't know if i should contact him-i changed my email and cell phone so he would stop stalking me a long time ago. so i know it would be stupid. but i just don't know why i start missing him and think about emailing him. What is wrong with me? My boyfriend said if I get back with him i will ruin my life and my boyfriends, which is probably true. What do i do? and if i'm supposed to just keep getting over him without contacting him, how do i do that because even though at one time i thought i was over it, i'm obviously not, and it is killing me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mr Castillo +, writes (28 August 2009):
I'm going to say from personal experience that people do change. They change dramatically and these are the people who commit to better a better person for themselves. And it takes ALOT of effort, such as admitting you're wrong, understanding why you always made your spouse wrong, what was the underlying nature behind the "incidents" that you have described, and to utterly break down his grip with financial wealth because he is latching on to it for dear life to a point where it makes him feel as if anyone close to him should "owe" him something. He has to go through alot of help, muster the inner strength to support himself, address what he did was wrong and become self-aware beyond the average person. This is what it will take for this cycle of abuse to stop, he needs to commit to that, and he has to commit to this for no one but himself. This is an issue of codependecy, insecurity and lack of identity which are evident but not so obvious if you're just paying attention to the facade of it, in his trips, jealousy, possesiveness and decision makings.If he has demostrated to you, that even after being without you, after losing complete hope in having you back, that he took these drastic measures to change. Than you should consider speaking to him if the feelings are this strong. Love is love, growth is growth, who are we to determine how to time, conduct and control it?But, of course if he never did, if all he did was feel sorry, if his effort only rested in guilt and shame and nothing else. Than he is not worth the love that you have in you to give. Stay with your new lover, and learn not to walk backwards. This is beyond your control, your love and your care. Take care of yourself, be strong, and learn from it. Make sure you don't get yourself in this mess again, even if you're in a honey moon stage with a new love, it can come back to haunt you a year later, people's demons usually would start to show anywhere between 6 months to a year and half, maybe 2. That's average. You should question yourself in what it is that makes you want to compromise your self worth in order to have gone through any of it to begin with. This is for you to discover and even if the person with problem is him, you TOO should seek some sort of therapy and or counseling because this is troubling you more than you're allowing yourself to admit. I hope these words mean something to you and I wish you the best of luck my anoynymous friend.
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