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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: How do I get out of having to send gifts home to family?I am living abroad indefinitely. I have a sibling who is 10 years older than me who I am not entirely close to since we didn't grow up together. Except, since I've moved abroad, family has become more important to me and I have wanted to improve our relationship. Even though we have a friendly relationship, that sort of extremely close bond isn't really there. It can feel super cordial and superficial most of the times.However, I don't have that much money. I don't have a job, though I hope to have one soon. For the last few years I have been sending christmas gifts and birthday gifts to her and her three kids. Plus, my dad and mom, who are divorced. Then there is my dads girlfriend... It is so expensive! Not only that, but I am extremely limited in what I can send over. I can't do food related items. No books or games, because of the language difference on products. Clothing for the kids after a while seems so redundant. They have rapidly growing bodies and I am not present to see what fits. I also am limited in shops, as I don't live in a super consumerist country. I have a hard time finding things that are small and light enough to not have to pay more than the product itself in shipping.I also tried ordering things online, but it gets tricky as well. Not all gifts come from the same online shop. I also don't have my bank account in my home country anymore. It is just so exhausting every time a birthday comes around and then even more so with christmas.Additionally, I feel bad when it comes to my own birthday and christmas. One year she forgot my birthday and I got a surprise bouquet of flowers! Which was so nice and thoughtful but she had mentioned to our dad how expensive it was.I really want to say something about not having to do gifts anymore. But at the same time, I don't want her to feel like I am getting out of having any care for giving gifts to her kids. I do want my nieces and nephew to know me somehow and I feel like the gifts are the only way they will hear my name from time to time. I also think when I have kids - will then my kids be ripped off from being showered with gifts? It is compelling to keep it up. But then I think about the reasons I mentioned before - the limitations and the expenses into it all is a bit much for me.What should I do???
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 August 2018):
 I forgot to add... don't GIVE gifts or send cards if you EXPECT them to reciprocate. That is not what a gift should be. A gift shouldn't come with strings attached.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 August 2018):
Have you looked at Thrift stores?
I tell you, you can find MANY amazing (sometimes even new) things. I would also put aside a little money for this. WHEN you can afford it. The years you can't.. SEND a card for holidays - I'd focus (if you still want to do something nice) on the kids. The adults might be happy with just a card a few times a year (and yeah, you can find those a Thrift stores too!)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2018): Just stop. And when their birthday rolls around, give them a call or send them a card to show that you care. If they ask "no gift this year?" (which is very rude) just say that you wanted to wish them happy birthday personally this year. That's all. Nobody should ever feel obligated to buy gifts and any good person would not expect them either. If they DO expect them then they will get used to it after a couple of times. I'm so sorry if you feel compelled to send them gifts, you should not feel pressured that way! Let us know.
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