A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I get strong performance anxiety when I go to have sex with a girl for the first time. Consequently, I can't achieve an erection about 80% of the time. Usually I get good reactions, the girls are patient. We take a time out, do something else, eventually I get horny and we have sex. And there are no future problems.Yesterday I tried to have sex with my new girlfriend for the first time. It happened again, but her was reaction was not as good as usual. She thinks it's because I'm not attracted and she withdrew. She used to have bad skin and was teased about it, and she can't get the idea that she's ugly out of her head. I did everything I could think of to convince her otherwise. She says she believes me rationally, but the emotional reaction is still there.I feel like I'm on the clock. It's like, one more try and if it doesn't work, we're probably done. Not because she has no sympathy, but because it's nerve wrecking for her too.We're really falling in love too quickly, I haven't met someone I liked as much as her in many years. It's ridiculous how important to me it is not to have our short relationship fall apart over a small, surmountable problem. I'm a nervous wreck. Objectively far bigger problems don't phase me nearly as much. And being a nervous wreck isn't exactly the best scenario for an erection.I gotta get my shit together for the next weekend. Or somehow calm her down. I don't really know what to do, so if you've got any tips, well I'm sure you can see how much I would appreciate.
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (4 February 2014):
 I dont understand its at first times but 80% of the time your not fully erect. I know women my mom and other friends who have dated guys who didnt get hard the only time they clown is when they mad. Its alot of men that do get erect. I think this leads them to homosexuality and perphaps being downlow not saying you are. But thats what I have noticed also to have you been to be check out to be sure it cant be fixed I dont know what to suggest cause I dont have a penis. But you are not the only one with erectile dysfuction even if its not serious or for long periods of time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): Go see a doctor about your erectile dysfunction and make sure there is no undiagnosed physiological condition that is attributing to your sexual performance. Don't let shame rule your sex-life.
As for your girlfriend; you're emotionally and sexually incompatible, plain and simple. You'll make wonderful friends, not lovers.
I wouldn't push this thing too much further. People with body-image anxieties and major insecurities, have to work through their own problems before getting into relationships.
You go from one woman to the next, freaking these poor women out. They are left feeling inadequate or unattractive; because you won't seek help for your problem.
You should bring only the best of yourself to someone when you're going to commit to them; and be a major influence on their lives. It's no simple matter. It's no joke.
Untreated insecurity or anxiety issues will always surface at the most inconvenient times, and will drive you and parners nuts. It will seriously stress the relationship.
You have your own problems to work through; and bringing this girl into your life will complicate your performance anxiety all the more. You will hurt her even deeper. She will fixate on your erectile dysfunction; and it will only convince her that it's her appearance. When it isn't. She knows men are visually-stimulated.
Sexual performance has too strong of an influence on your relationship, for you to overlook this red-flag. I'm not going to paint rosy pictures and say "talk about it." It's not that simple. You know that. If you want to talk about it, it would be best done to a therapist, or a doctor, who specializes in the problem. For both of you. If you have socialized medicine in your country; couple's therapy is at no cost.
It may sound insensitive; but I say time and time again. Insecurity kills relationships. Fix it first. Then enter a relationship with confidence and something good to offer.
You both have anxiety issues to work on, and until they are resolved; trying to have a relationship is going to add to your anxiety. People who blame themselves for things that really have nothing to do with them; will do this, and there is nothing you can say to convince them otherwise. Don't put yourself through that. Don't drag her feelings through your own issues. It will only sound like you're trying to spare her feelings. How will you explain it if the ED continues?
Avoid trying to commit to people when you need to work on yourself. If you have performance anxiety issues; it would be better that you try to find more understanding and patient women. Don't freak out when you have a problem. Relax!
Try to include more making-out, foreplay, fun, and add some playful teasing into lovemaking. You'll ease the tension. Do more to please your partner, and give yourself time to warmup. You're in your own head causing problems; it's not so much your partner's fault. You're freaked out the minute sex begins.
You are going from partner to partner, lowering their self-esteem. Dude, get some help!
Before you start, think about how much fun you're going to have. Concentrate more on how much you can sexually arouse her. Stop worrying about your penis, learn more about female anatomy and sexuality. Learn how to please with the tongue and fingers.
Make sure you're totally heterosexual; and not suppressing other sexual feelings. Fight as you may, they will only come to the surface.
Pay less attention to yourself; and dwelling so much on how she'll rate you as a lover. Concentrate more on giving pleasure and being creative. Women like kissing, being caressed, not just penetration. You also have a tongue and fingers. Learn how to use them. Use a strap-on or vibrator; if worse comes to worse. There is no shame in erectile dysfunction. It can happen\s to anyone. Accept me.(*smile*)
Just kidding.
If it isn't a physiological condition, it's over-thinking.
Two people with issues about sex, or their bodies, is a disaster in the making. If you think your penis is a problem, get some books and learn more about human sexuality; and the techniques of lovemaking. How to pleasure your partner. Knowledge is power.
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