A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 2 1/2 years. 2 months ago, my wife and I welcomed our first child, a girl. Over the last 6 months, however, my wife and I have disconnected. We fought, argued, and argued while fighting consistently during this time. Recently, probably over the last 3 months, I have had conversations with a female coworker. These conversations began innocently but then progressed, and before I noticed it, I was doings things i shouldn't. I met her off the work site to talk a few times, and there was a little grabbing and touching. I started to feel guilty and stopped communicating, but my wife saw a text message that this coworker sent me and I was discovered. I denied it at first (I lied) but eventually I broke down and told her. Now, she will not forgive me. I never had sex with this coworker, it was mostly just conversations. My wife says what I did was just as bad, but I try to tell her that I made a decision not to go down that road. How do I get her to forgive me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2015): Your poor wife was going through all these changes in her body and whatnot just to bear your child. That's not a easy thing to go through. Do you think she likes gaining weight? Do you think she feels sexy watching her stomach stretch out? Feeling constant fatigue and morning sickness. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on your mind and your body. This is a time when she most needs your kindness, support and your patience. And above all, your devotion. And she is doing all this to carry on your legacy. Out of all other suitors she chose you to carry on the legacy with. Did that other chick from work make sacrifices for you? She was just enjoying the attention you gave her and the lunches you bought her.
Put yourself in your wife's shoes. If you were making a huge sacrifice that would completely change how you look, that would make you feel sick and weak for 9 months, for the sake of starting a family with your wife, and instead of supporting you, she looked elsewhere for the immediate gratification that you could no longer provide during this time. You would think she was a major no good bitch.
The trust is broken and for good reason too so you have to rebuild it. You are not even starting from the ground up because that would be a clean slate. You're beyond that, you dug yourself a hole. Your way past zero into the negatives. If she has not kicked you out of the house yet and you sincerely want to seek redemption, here is the only way to try to make it up to her.
You have got to be on your absolute best behavior ever. You've got to let her know she has access to all your personal items, phones, computers, etc, so that she can see you are being honest and trust you again. You have got to start buying her gifts and flowers and show her how much you love and appreciate her. You have to report and account for your every move outside of the home. You have got to be completely honest with her. Even if it becomes annoying but if she asks you about it or needs you to reaffirm stuff for her or requests stuff from you, no matter how unreasonable it may be, you have to completely acquiesce to all her demands and all her questions. That is the only way to prove to her that you can be trusted, that you love her and that you are serious that it will never happen again.
A
female
reader, Kokomo  +, writes (17 January 2015):
You can't really, she probably won't forgive u. And that's what u deserve at least you know for next time don't have an affair. I'm only 11 and even I know that cheating is wrong. Tell ur wife ur sorry and then just leave her alone. This is what u deserve
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2015):
 You can't "MAKE" he forgive you. That is something she will have to decide if SHE can or not.
I am with YouWish, find a GOOD marriage counselor and MAKE the effort to make the marriage work.
When you say that "in your defense" you didn't have sex... It sounds like you don't have a lot of remorse, and the whole fighting and pregnancy thing? NOT an excuse to cheat. You only sound upset because YOU got caught with your pants down.
So MY advice (besides) counseling? SHOW your wife you DO have remorse for your actions, the whole "emotional affair" you carried on at work, IS as bad for your wife as if you HAD been physical with the co-worker.
And then there is the whole co-worker thing. YOU have to go to work EVERY day and there SHE is? How would you feel if it was your WIFE you had pulled this stunt on you? And then she went back to work 5 days a week with THIS co-worker?
She might be able to forgive, but she CAN NEVER forget what YOU chose to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): Woah. Do not arrange a meet up with the other woman and your wife! That would completely kill any chances of recovering from this.
This is not about the other woman. It is about YOUR personal choices and the state of your marriage just before and during the affair.
An emotional affair (which is what this was) is worse than a one night stand. In a one night stand, people get drunk and in a moment of weakness make poor choices.
In an emotional affair you deliberately arrange meetups and sustain an emotional intimacy with another woman. You are completely sober and in your rational mind decide to bestow your emotional energy on another woman that you should have been bestowing on your wife. It is not a moment of weakness. It is repeated acts of betrayal.
You would do well to accept that you are not entitled to forgiveness and should it be forthcoming, it will not be in the time frame you deem appropriate.
Get to the roots of why you cheated. Apologise and work very hard to prove your commitment.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 January 2015):
 Well, here's the thing. Pregnancy can really do a number on marriages and relationships in general. Hormones are off the chart, even though that's not any sort of excuse for a pregnant person to act out without any thought to anyone else. Pregnancy is no excuse for you to start an affair with someone else, either.
Here's the thing -- you're mistaken if you think that the threshold of cheating is the sex act itself. You had your hands all over this woman...you had an emotional affair with her, and you made plans to see her and carry on physically. It's good you did not have sex with her, but the damage had already been done.
You really abandoned your wife at the moment she needed you the most. The arguing, fighting, distance, all of that during pregnancy should have been addressed with a counselor, not flaked out on with another co-worker.
You can't and shouldn't GET your wife to forgive you. You can only get a therapist/counselor to deconstruct you marriage, find out what went wrong in the first place to cause the breakdown in communication, find out why you cheated on her, and what to do now to find each other in the midst of caring for a small infant who's disrupting sleep and changing both of you into different people...a time that should be among the most joyous you two have ever experienced in your lives.
I respect what Janniepeg is saying, but doing nice things for her should be AFTER the two of you spend a great deal of time with a good marriage counselor and accept his or her direction in how to proceed.
In my opinion, you need to talk to her. Tell her you wish you could take back the affair and what happened. Tell her you wish you had gone another route in dealing with the marriage distance, and ask her if she's willing to go together with you to see a neutral counselor to figure out what went wrong and to start the process of rebuilding again. Tell her you both owe it to your new daughter to take these steps. Tell her you're not looking for her forgiveness or trust, because they happen in their own time a long time from now.
If she's not willing to figure things out with you, then your marriage is in trouble. You doing nice things for her won't do anything to help. In the meantime, love your daughter. Do everything for her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 January 2015):
 First you have to be clear with what you are fighting about. Knowing you just had a 2 month old baby, the most common frustration that husbands face is that they feel unimportant, sex is non existent. The mother child bond is so strong that it sacrifices your marriage. You can express how you feel about being left out. Arguing and fighting is always about needs not being met. There is a better way of communicating before emotions escalate. As a woman she's probably tired and wants more help around the house and with the baby. What happened here is probably you take each other for granted. She assumed that because she has the baby, took 9 months growing it, suffered pain in the hospital, being sleep deprived, you should just understand that sex is the last thing she wants, you shouldn't bother her and leave her alone. You on the other hand thought that once the baby is out and 6 weeks had passed the sex should resume and everything gone back to normal. She was upset that she can't trust you when she is weak, vulnerable and strapped at home and you lied. Which means if it weren't for her snooping you could have done more, at least in her mind. The fighting pushed you away when in fact that's the time she needed you most. You just didn't know how to respond and deal with a woman's strong emotions.
What you need to hear is perhaps it gets better as the baby grows.
As to how to make her forgive you. Ask her what you can do to make it up. Without her answer I would say cook her a nice meal, buy spa products to pamper her, come home early every night. Basically doing everything you can has a husband and father but not expecting sex. I understand when there is a baby a marriage can be taken to the back seat. However it does not mean a total disconnection. Otherwise there is something really wrong in the relationship. Hopefully she realizes her part in resulting the fights and will learn to communicate better.
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