A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:How do I make my husband of 30 years realize he is selfish and ignoring my feelings? I found out recently one of our old friends is one of his old lovers. He never told me and blames me for not asking. She has not been nice to me over the years, but I tolerated it for the sake of peace. Now that I find out her motives of not nice to me were so she could remain in the limelight (she is married but likes to be the center of attention all the time), I tell my husband about her backstabbing and badmouthing. He says that he is going to remain friends with her anyway, and that I am making too big a deal of it.It is like he does NOT care about my feelings and has put me in second place. We have been married for over half my lifetime, but he has hurt me terribly over this and now, says he won't divorce his friends! Is there any hope to get this clueless man to realize what he has done, and what he is doing by not backing me up? Or am I married to a narcisstic person who only cares about himself?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): Me again... I told him as his wife that I take priority over this so called friend, and he has placed me second. And I guess you are right, actions speak louder than words. It is frightening to realize you spent decades with a man who was more interested in protecting his sick friendships than the feelings of his wife. He was dumb to think everyone could still remain friends over time. He was dumb to think the truth would not eventually come out. He played against my naive nature, and trusting him completely. He thinks his friendships define him as a person. And I guess sadly, they do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): How do you get him to realize?? the answer is you can't. But the best way to increase the odds that he will realize, is to leave him. Let your actions make a statement far beyond what any words you say ever can.If you continue to stay married to him, you're basically showing him that what he did is not that big a deal despite what you may be saying to him. it's showing him that you must not mind it that much, if you're still carrying on with business as usual.You may complain and argue with him all you want, but actions speak louder than words. he has shown himself to be someone who doesn't take words seriously anyway, if he was able to hide his secret behind a mask of words (or omission of them).Your husband is a backstabber and a betrayer, I would not waste any more time on this so-called 'marriage.'
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (17 January 2012):
Oh my God, hiding the fact that one of your friends used to be his lover? That is a BIG one for sure.
What are you supposed to do? Ask each woman the two of you meet if she has slept with your husband?
When people get married it is customary beforehand to give each other a full disclosure of their past, including and especially past lovers.
By hiding the fact she used to be his lover, he did not give you a chance to express how you would feel about that, being in the same social circle.
Generally speaking, married men should not stay connected to any of their exes. He at the very least should have told you. And if you don't want him to be connected in any way, that is your right.
Questions to ask:
If its not such a big deal, why did you hide it? (and you may have to ask him the idiotic question "am I supposed to ask every woman in our lives if they ever slept with you? Because if its my fault for not asking, then I will rectify that by asking the rest of them.")
Why would you put up with anyone backstabbing and being nasty to me, whether you were involved with them or not? ("You are my husband, what happens to me, happens to you. If someone is out to hurt me, they are out to hurt you")
Do you still have feelings for her? Have you done anything inappropriate with her since we got married?
Why is she still important to you?
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