A
male
age
51-59,
*att42
writes:How do I get my friedns and family to see that the relationship I have with younger girl friend is real?I am 39 and a very successful business man. After breaking off my long time relationship with my ex I started dating a much younger 22 yr old named Tara. When the relationship first started everyone said that it was a rebound mid life crisis. At first the jokes and comments were laughable, even I had no idea that the relationship would turn into something this serious.It was now been 18 months since we started dating and instead of people accepting it the comments have gotten worse. I love Tara and treat her like a princess, as I have with any girl I have ever dated. Any time I buy her anything or we go on a getaway my sisters will make comments on how she is a gold digger. Many of my friends have made similiar comments or make comments about her being so much younger (ex: asking if she can go to late movies or if she has to be home for curfew ect)In the beginning I will have to admit that it was a huge ego boost having a sexy younger girl interested in dating me and I made the mistake of bragging to some close friends about our sex life. Like I said I never thought the relationship would amount to anything but now that we are in a serious committed relationship the comments still haven't stopped I would never ask one of my friends how good their wife is in bed or how often they have sex so I would except the same from them. Many of family members have made comments to her that I am only in the relationship for the sex. As great as the sex is, that is 100% not true. I can honestly say I have found the girl of my dreams. But I am afraid that the comments and insults are never going to stop. Tara is a full time nursing student and worked part time as a waitress at a local dinner. After seeign how hard she is workign in school I told her to not worry about working and to focus on schoola dn that I woudl take care of things. When my sisters and father found out that I was paying for school this year instead of her gettign a stuent loan they went on and on about how all she wanted was a sugar daddy. This past weekend we were at a family wedding and someone had asked Tara what she did and beofre Tara coudl answer that she was a student my sister loudly said "She mooches off Matt until she finds someone else" adn then later that night while we were dancing I coudl here her saying how "slutty" Tara was. I have called my family out of their rude comments and other then family occassions We rarely even spend time with them but it still hasnt helped.Is there anythign we can do to get our familya nd friends to see that our relationship is much more then what they see?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): How is any of this the business of your family? How you spend your money or who you spend it on is not dictated by them. But by you.
Your relationship, and matters financial and romantic therein, are private and I would simply tell them to either talk about other subjects, unrelated, or you will simply walk out of the encounter each time it is brought up. And if they keep trying to meddle, then you will no longer see them.
Whether this girl is merely using you for financial reason or not isn't even slightly the point. She might be or she might be the genuine article. Only time can truly answer that query. But either way, if it turns out to be a mistake, it is YOURS to make and learn from.
But if it works out, then screw the naysayers.
Flynn 24
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): When in was 19, I met a man that I knew immediately would be my future husband and father of my children. He was 33. At 22 I was married with a child to a man who is 14 years older than me. We are married for 9 years with 3 beatifull children. He is 42 now, and I m 28. He paid for my college and for everything I needed, because he had money and I didn't. His family excepted me right away, and noone ever called me gold digger. Do you know why? Because they knew their son and brother loved me and they wanted him to be happy.At 22 I knew exactly what I wanted: caring husband, that will provide well for me and my future children and I found him. Without hesitation I excepted his money and his help, without telling him what an independent woman I m, because I was not.There are different scenarios to your situation, OP, but none can tell you what to do. I feel real bad for a poor girl who is being treated very mean by your friends and family. They are not thinking about your feelings, and they hurt both of you with their words. This is very wrong!!!There is no excuse for their behavior.Now may be it's time for them to think about this scenario: you are marrying to this girl, you are having children together, she is a wonderful wife and mother and makes you really happy. How would they feel then? A little ashamed for acting like a bunch of jerks years before. What base are they building for possible relationship with your may be future wife.You need to stand up for her. It's not ok for your family to act like this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): She is barely over the age of a teenager. When I was 22 years old? I had no idea of what I was doing relationship wise. She still has a lot of growing up to do. Love is blind. Your family sees what you do not.( always the case) If they are being so up front about this girl, there must be a good reason.
Stop giving her money! If she is a gold digger? She will leave you if you stop paying for her. If she really loves you? She will stay. Put her to the test. Do this for yourself and your family. ps. Your family will always be there. Women can come and go. Good luck ;)
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 I wouldn't assume that she's a gold-digger simply because she's a lot younger than you are. And whatever she may be, it's none of your family's business really. You have to take a firm stand and tell them to stop humiliating your girlfriend in public if they want to keep their relationship with you. They'll get the message. You just need to hold your ground and make sure they realise that you're serious and you won't tolerate such boorish conduct.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 "Any time I buy her anything or we go on a getaway my sisters will make comments on how she is a gold digger."
How about you reply "Tara is actually treating me to it"? Or, stand your ground and say to whomever comments "Actually, that is very rude to say. She is my girlfriend, and I am her boyfriend, and the relationship between us is private and not for others to pry on. We do things the way we enjoy to do them, and honestly it isn't any of your concern. My personal life, and my relationship, is MY business, not yours. If you do not have something good to say then it is better you do not say anything at all."
Or just stop buying her things, or maybe tone down the costs of what you're getting her. Talk to her about the comments you receive, and that you want to tone it down a bit and see if that will stop the comments (likely the comments wont stop, because people comments because they are jealous of you, thats why. If your gf was 40 years old there'd be no such gold-digger comments).
I do think you need to be more careful with money though. Sure, it's nice to help out when you can afford it, but you are not married to Tara. You should not pay her bills. You are not her father, you are not her husband. Adding money into the relationship like this puts a strain on it. She might feel guilty for accepting financial help, you might build up resentment in time. She might feel like she is not your equal in the relationship, and equality is really important. She might be made to feel like your child, because you pay her ways. A woman in a relationship does not want to be treated like a daughter. She wants to be a grown woman and an equal. Financial gifts like this puts a strain on the relationship, rather than make it better. Because by this gift you have now made the relationship divided: you have the power, she needs to be the follower.
She can't break up with you if she wants to, because she is now financially dependent on you. Whether she would WANT to break up or not doesn't matter, the point is that she no longer has that option. You have bought her. Breaking up with you now would mean she needs to give up her education, as she currently does not get by on her own financially, and everything would have to be put on hold.
When there's this much money in the relationship, you need to have strict lines and rules. You currently don't. You and her need to sit down and sign an agreement on this money you use on her. You need to both sign that X amount of money is a gift. And you need to specify what amount of money you're talking about. You should also write that this money is a gift to her, send it to her account to do with as she pleases, and so if you and her break up, you will not ask for this money in return. By doing this you are giving her the option back: she can still break up with you if she is not happy in the relationship, without that meaning she will also ruin her education. However, she should have never accepted that you pay her way, unless you're so seriously loaded that this money is pocket money for you.
But put things down in writing. Get signatures. One copy for her, one copy for you. A formal letter in writing. This will also help her in case of a legal issue: what if you die? Accidents happen. Your sisters will surely attack Tara with all they've got, to reclaim whatever money you've spent on her. If you do not have a formal document that says this money was a gift, then Taras future could be quite hellish.
I advice that you avoid adding money into the relationship mix unless you are married. But since you already have taken that step, do it proper at least. Get it in writing to secure both Tara, yourself, and your relationship.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 Uh- I admit I am old fashioned in that, but I have been raised that you never accept cash gifts, and expensive too as for that , ( a year of college education in USa, it costs a pretty penny ! ) from someone who's not your father or your husband.
She did not have to accept that you'd take care of her, she could have said, thank you I appreciate your generosity, but I am a young capable indipendent woman who can take care of herself, you can save the money and if all goes well it will come handy for our kids' education...
I understand how your family may be wary and suspicious, even if of course that does not legitimate them to insult a friend and guest of yours in public.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 My husband had the exact same experience, 3 years before he met me. And that's exactly how long his relationship lasted with his 22 year old girlfriend before the jig was up. She too used him to pay for her school loan, her car loan, which we are still paying for, along with countless other credit cards for the clothes she bought and the big fat diamond engagement ring he got her that she obsconded with at the end. If you are lucky, she will not later try to falsely accuse you of horrible things and have you thrown in jail while she backs up a U-haul trailer and cleans out your entire house. Luckily he was cleared of everything, as I knew he would be, but it cost literally thousands of dollars to do so, and we are still paying for that as well. Like you, my husband's family and friends tried to warn him. They all saw her for exactly what she was -- a user. He didn't listen to any of them either and look where it got him. Sometimes I wish they would have hit him over the head, but they didn't. Men do foolish things for lust and a big ego boost.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): I want to say nice words of encouragement to you that will make things all better but my experiences, and those of people closest to me dictate a different story. This is such a typical mid-life story I could have practically written it myself based on the exact same experiences others have gone through. And yes, no matter how much you love her, one day you will see the truth about her and how well she was able to get you think all these things were always your idea. Men love to feel needed. They love to feel like they've taken a young woman and made her into something. Your story is no different. Now I admit, in most families they at least keep their comments out of ear-shot of thus said girl, so your family is pushing a slight line on that one. But nonetheless, I wouldn't alienate them entirely. They will be there to pick up the pieces for you, when it has later been discovered that Tara had an affair with a fellow student, also 22 years old. This can never work out. At best she will milk a good education out of you before she finds someone her own age. If she's lucky enough to marry you, she'll also get half of your stuff, and half of your money so she and her new young boyfriend can live comfortably together while you face your family and all their "I told you so" stories. They say love is blind, and believe me one day you will look back at this chapter and realize how blind you were. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): If all your friends and family see this but haven't had issue with your previous partners then maybe they are seeing something you're not? Is that possible? Is it at all possible that your gf really is a bit too comfy with your money? I don't think you should pay for her school. Not unless you were married. When you're married then the merging of finances is appropriate because of the long term legal commitment and the fact that you are now family. Otherwise I don't think its appropriate for you to pay for her school. What if you break up? Will she have to pay you back? I don't think she should have accepted your payments either. I wouldn't if I were in her position unless it was a loan that I would pay back.If your friends and family think you just want her for sex and she just wants you for money well maybe its because you have given them the appearance of it being so. You were the one who bragged to your friends about the sex so this is your own doing. You were the one paying for her school. If you dont want to be seen as her sugar daddy than stop being one.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): It is common for family members to worry in such situation. However, your family is going WAAY overboard. Any concerns they have should be brought to you, NOT shared at family wedding. If I heard my brother publicly accusing my girlfriend of being a slut, I would have punched him.
Now, I understand you won't do that to your sister, however, you should tell your family straight up that you love that girl, you are sure she loves you back and they should shut up. If they won't - well, it's time to choose
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): Brother, tread lightly.
Your friends and family have every right to be suspicious of your girlfriend because she is 22 years old. At 22, girls do not know what they want and their personalities can change. The woman she is today can be a completely different one tomorrow.
They may be generalizing on the whole gold digger aspect, but they do have your interests at heart. Do not shun them - let your GFs action be proof of her not being a gold digger. Nothing you can do will change your family and friends opinions - it's up to your GFs personality and actions to do that.
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