A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am caught in limbo and need help. My boyfriend of a year and a half has been stalling for months now about the "next step". When I first brought it up at 8 months, he said he needed a year before he could consider things. At a year and 3 months, he said he'd need until the end of this year to discuss things with his father. He says when his mother died 10 years ago, she told him not to let another woman move into the house and take over what was his. He is in his 40s and living as a roommate in a big house with the father. So my dilemma: i want marriage and an engagement. At this point, he gave me his word that we would get our own apartment by the end of the year when he has time to sort things out. In the meantime, I have stayed at the house and he stays at my apt . Within the last week, I told him I didn't feel comfortable staying there's bc of comments his father and sister made. He told me to just stay.So - what's the quickest way to get what I want? (a proposal). An ultimatum ? Be as sweet as possible and stay over and make him realize how great life together could be? Or see him and don't stay over - telling him I'm not comfortable and wait to spend the night when we get a place?
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (31 July 2014):
 You can't FORCE this on him. Like seriously. Would you want someone to give you that half hearted proposal that you're forcing for and will probably get because of all your nagging? He'll propose in his own time but if that doesn't suit you then perhaps its time to just end things and move on. Good luck.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (31 July 2014):
 Because you're pushing him. I can love someone with my whole heart and still not be ready to marry them yet. Just respect that he's not ready.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses ..
to the last poster, I have broken up with him .. once. He was miserable for the 2 weeks I didn't speak to him, and then begged to get me back. Said he wants to be with me and have a future. He knows what I want and said he can "do it". That was 2 months ago - it hasn't been "done" yet.
If I try to break up with him again, he'll fight to keep me, but still isn't going all the way.
I guess I don't understand why he is fighting to keep me, but doesn't go all the way yet. Seems like a waste of time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): I would break up with him or take a break, tell him you want marriage, you have waited a year or so and you don't see any progress to this. It seems he doesn't want to get married, either to you or to anyone at the moment. I have seen many couples get married but take 4-5 years to do it, one of my friends took 2-3 years to get engaged and they got married at 4 years I think. So it could happen but somehow my instinct says no to this guy.
Take my advice with a grain of salt, and all the advice given here. People always give advice based on their own experiences, but this doesn't mean it is good advice or that it will hold true for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): Blokes don't think of gettin married so soon, and 18 months for me would be too soon. If you enjoy spending time with him enjoy it. There's no point of rushing things.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 July 2014):
 I’m sorry OP the sad news is you are not going to get what you want from this man. Trust me when I say this. You can’t force something.
I have NEVER seen a man who by 6 months did not know that eventually he would marry his wife. If you get past a year and he is putting it off with excuses at his age then it means that you are not destined to have what you want with this man.
My son at age 27 met a girl last July. He knew by thanksgiving he was going to marry her. They are getting married in May.
Our friends who are now married (and LDR) were first time bride at age 40 to a first time groom at age 52. They knew each other 2 years when they married and knew they were getting married after a year. He had never wanted to marry till he met the right girl.
My own husband is the best example. When I met him I was only interested in FWB/NSA with him. He was 37 and swore up and down that marriage was stupid. He wanted a girl but he did not want to get married EVER. NOPE. He was never getting married. That was December 2010. My April 2011 he had reconsidered. We got formally engaged on February 29th 2012 (he wanted me to ask him and I did) and we married in October 2012.
I once got a guy to marry me because I wanted to. He didn’t He was the husband I do not talk about.. it was a horrible mistake and disaster.
My first husband, I wanted to get married but he did not. I started dating other people since I knew he was not interested in marrying me. My proposal was “I don’t want to lose you so I have to marry you” I sadly accepted that. Thankfully we have a lovely divorce and two kids that we share.
NEVER manipulate someone to do what you want. Never engineer it. IF he wants to marry you he will marry you. HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU.
Yes I can advise you to “move on” and hope he will change his mind and marry you. (truthfully that would be the ONLY way to get it done) but then he’s marrying you out of a fear of being alone.. not because he loves you and wants to marry you.
BUT the only way to get him to see what he is missing is to leave. 100% You say “Bob, I love you and I want us to be married but I can see that’s not in the cards for us. Since I want to marry (and have children) and my time is getting short we need to break up so I can find someone who wants what I want. It’s been lovely and I wish you well and I will miss you. I’m sorry we can’t be together.” THEN YOU kiss him tenderly on the cheek and you walk away. YOU DO NOT LOOK BACK. YOU GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. If he’s willing to compromise and give up what he wants and marry you so he’s not alone, he will let you know shortly after that.
IF you don’t’ hear from him within 2 weeks… it’s over.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 I agree with the other posters, do NOT push, do not manipulate, that's not the way a marriage proposal should happen if you want to STAY married.
Only, I am a bit more suspicious than them, tbh I would not bet the family farm on him ever being ready to propose. A guy in his 40's, living with his father.. add the promise on his mother's death bed... uhm, I don't know, I think that he may feel that " if it ain't broken don't fix it " and just be bergaining for time.
But you can see that with a bit of patience. So he promised you'd get your own place by the end of this year ?... A promise is a promise and must be honoured. In 4 months or so, you'll see if he means busness and if it's really a matter of sorting some things out. If by January you haven't got your place and he is coming up with other reasons / excuses to postpone... draw your conclusions.
In the meantime, I'd stick with option no.3, and not to get leverage or to play power games, but because it is the TRUTH. You do not feel comfortable staying there, you resent the lack of privacy and are embarassed by his relatives' comments; this, logically reflects on your enjoyment of your time together and your level of psychological comfort, it's not weird or strange, and he should RESPECT that. Why can't you simply tell the truth ?
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 You cannot and should not sweet talk, or force via an ultimatum, a guy into marriage.
This is not about what YOU want! Its about what you BOTH want. You have been together 18 months - that's way too soon in my opinion to consider marriage. Its such a huge commitment that rushing into it, especially if pushed into a corner by a partner is a terrible idea.
What's the rush to be married? The allure of a big day and being the centre of attention? Insecurity about loosing him? The fact you are 36+ and yet to be married? or because you genuinely love him so much you want to be committed to him? I hope its the latter!
Give him time. If you give an ultimatum he will probably walk away.
Mark
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (30 July 2014):
"So - what's the quickest way to get what I want? (a proposal)"
Are you serious? Are you really asking for advice on the best way to go about how you can manipulate your bf into marrying you? The way you phrased that question made me cringe a little.
Marriage is a BIG deal! It's not something that should be rushed. I've got to ask .. why are you so desperate to get married? The harder you push, the farther back he's going to step. Chill. He's not ready yet. He may never be with all the pushing you're doing.
Just let him discover when he is ready. Once he gets to that point, you'll know.
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