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female
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*ynne
writes: Hi ya,Thanks for being there for me, I am recently in a new relationship, we have know each other for the past 5/6 yrs, he was married then so I didnt want to know and now he has come back into my life and is seperated from his wife divorce pending, generally we are very happy.......but....I am not a very confident person, sometimes I say to him I want totalk about my feelings and how I am feeling,I talk and then he says what do I expect him to say....he was treated very bad in his marriage and appreciate that but we are together and I am not like his ex so why does he treat me like this...he just dismisses what I say and sulks and says he cant do right for doing wrong by me, I need him to talk about his feelings but he says he doesnt need too as I know he loves me, this is not open for debate because I know he loves me so much, but will not talk to me about what needs to be talked about and I do not know what to do anymore....please help me as I am at my witts end...but love this guy more than anything...Thank you so muchLynne
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2006): I think being honest, open, vulnerable, and transparent is crucial for deep intimacy. So I understand why you feel concerned. Admitting honestly one’s fears and concerns as well as asking your bf about his feelings in these areas move relationships to deeper levels. However with that said, not all people can relate and open up with their true, open feelings. You says he sulks and he feels he can't do right by you. Are you sure you are just talking in a mature, loving, non-aggressive way or are you whining, complaining, getting frustrated? There is a profound difference, you know. Are you truely looking for his understanding because when one complains, or whines they aren't looking for compassion, they are looking for sympathy and the other person will have a hard time with that. Whining/complaining builds walls between couples. How are you 'really' approaching these talks with him? It puts the other on the defensive..makes them cringe. Another problem could be he's keeping things inside, to avoid a confrontation and that doesn't make the relationship any healthier. This ends up being a no-win situation. It's not always eay for many couples to communicate and relate to each other. One needs plenty of love, faith and patience to start. You need to handle this whole situation with wisdom and maturity, rather than taking his lack of responses, so personally. Take this one day at a time and always use a positive, nice tone. When issues come up that need discussing. Never jump to conclusions and don't judge him for being quiet and not contributing. Let him be 'who he is'. Some men (and I can guess --most of them) find it incredibly challenging to reveal their fears and weaknesses. Some feel this is being pused to unatural extremes. To some men, strength and silence go hand in hand because silence is needed to maintain the illusion of strength. Some men feel if they open up too much , that their degree of respect in people’s eyes, would be further eroded if the true feelings got out. You mention his previous marriage. I'm just guessing but maybe all attempts he made to talk were squelched. Perhaps she did most of the talking and when he tried to speak, his feelings and opinions were quashed. This will make a person withdraw from expressing themselves. So be aware, that most women who complain about their husbands not talking are unaware that they have contributed to the problem, by being upset, resentful and hurt. So you want him to open up more? I think your situation calls for patience and a ton o' love and the most important thing you have to do...listen more to him when he talks and hang on to every word he says. Value what he says. This is common courtesy and respect in any relationship and the most crucial key to effective communication in a love relationship. So get those listening ears turned on...and talk to him. No complaining..remember the key word here...respect for who he really, really is. Always remember, talking is often easy for women, whereas for men it's a huge struggle.
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