A
female
age
41-50,
*ill@london
writes:Hi Guys, I think this is a great site and I really need some advice. I realise it can take a lot to reply and really think about someone question but I'd appreciate it alot. Me and my boyfriend of nearly 2 years are in LDR he is in Sweden studying and i live in London. We are likley to be apart until next summer. We are VERY close and keep in touch everyday. When i say close I mean we have a deep connection and I can't imagine how I'd cope without him.We are so different, he is very VERY laid back, relaxed, unorganised,and im very organised, like things the way I like them and always quite an anxious person.I'm quite needy at times and want him to revolve more of his life around me but he will not. We are both very independent but he is the kind of person who "doesnt need anyone" he very caring and loving but his needs arent like mine. I'm finding all our difference very frustrating, we are arguing alot. I accept we both have different opinions but how do we cope with all this. We had a horrible argument tonight and im still up on the computer as im just treally upset about it. I like to plan in advance to meet up as it can take a bit or organisation he likes to wait till last minute and is a really busy guy. Please dont get me wrong this man is wonderful to me, treats me with alot of respect and is a gentle person. I'm not the easiest person to be with and he tolerates alot of my insecurites and needyness which im ashamed off and working on. I asked him to make plans for xmas and he said he has alot to do with his study he will decide very close to the time, and doesnt want to be in something that means he has to revolve all his life around me. I understand that and im giving him space to do his own thing. But i want him badly to want what i want. I told him he always does things when he wants too but he needs to be more organised and he said he feels im nagging him and wants to see me and misses me but doesnt want our relationship to be "everything" as he has friends, family and study to do. He said he try to see me when he can but is not the kind of person who can be organised like me and revolve too much around the time we spend together. It became a heated argument and im really upset and disapointed. I feel his laid back ways are getting me down. But i know he not a bad person, its just his way. If I push him, he gets angry, but if i back off i dont get satisfied..so what do i do? Sorry this is long. If anyone can tell me how to handle this situation id really be greatful. I know everyone different and i respect that. he told me i should realise that he never puts expectations on me yet i am on him. But i wouldnt mind him doing that to me, why is he not NEEDY for me? Sounds crazy..but i know how much he loves me. he shows me this alot. But why cant he feel the "NEED" to see me like i do for him?A very tearful girl, feeling pathetic insecure and embarrassed. Thank you in advance for your support.Gill
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): Hello Gill,
I am so glad u wrote this question 'cause it relates so much to my LDR with my bf. I am very frustated trying to make plans for xmas and to be together; but he says he is too busy and needs to study. I got mad and I wont be going to see him for xmas but only for 3 days on new year's. I am trying to be Ok about this, although it is not Okay for me, but then I am tired of making of all the efforts all the time. So, as much as I am to be with him for xmas; I will not go. I know it is going to be thought but i will try not to think about it.
I understand what u r going through, and if it is of any confort u are not the only one. At least, now u could say that it is not you, it's men. It is really frustating...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): same person again haha..
what do you mean by try something else?
well could try making connections with other people..
family friends.. guy friends
it will help you feel more loved and "revolved around"
dont cheat on him or anything stupid but maybe spend more time with other guys when you cant with him a little flirting wouldnt hurt and build connections with other guys that can sort of fill in the gaps he doesnt and it would be fine because well he has chosen to not completely live his life for you and so why not use the extra time and space to try find more of what you want from other guys?
after a while maybe he will start appreciating you more- not that he doesnt already- but start appreciating you more in the way you want him to and be more onto it and active and make his life revolve around you more as he realises thats what he wants?
i still sort of have the same problem!
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A
female
reader, Gill@london +, writes (12 December 2008):
Gill@london is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour so sweet thank you for the time and thought gone into your email.
Been thinking alot about what you said.These sort of men are never going to change. It's not bad, it's who they are. Just like who we are. But It's been getting me really down recently.
My bf such a wonderful guy, gentle, caring, can be very loving. But he is just so relaxed and laid back it's unbelievable.I love him for him and have accepted many things but im finding this really hard.
I've tried to be a bit more cool this week and made myself look more busy then i really am if you understand lol. I'm also trying hard to bite my tongue about asking when he going to make a plan to see me. I'm tired of wasting all my energy on worrying about it. He not an emotional person so he not the kind of person to tell me he misses me or loves me but he does tell me occasionally..and that means a lot. I dont mind about the words as i knowhe makes efforts to be with me butnwhat can i do to make him want me more? I feel really upset about the whole things.
Any more suggesions? Being a bit cool i think is something he likes he told me he sensed im a bit more relaxed about thngs and he loves it as it shows that we dont need to revolve our lifes around each other. he doesnt want to be that kind of boyfriend. I hope someone can understand and help me.
I love him alot and i know he loves me but i want more, i just dont think he can give it to me. So im accepting that for now, but want to try something else? xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): its me again the two annoymous readers haha..
i know how you feel
when i got with my bf he was my everything i was his and all that and i didnt realise it but i basically dropped all my hobbies and friends and things that i usually did and devoted my whole life to him basically
now hes out of the country for a holiday with his family
and im realising ive got pretty much no life without him and i miss him so much! probably more than he misses me and that is A LOT
i totally understand and feel EXACTLY like you do..
"im missing him alot but at the same time i wish i didnt miss or need him like i do :-( He is such a wonderful person but he is so laid back and vry relaxed. I accept this about him, but im finding it hard to accept that he can not give me more attension or make me feel as wanted as i want to feel. Does this make sense? Please help guys...i want to be stronger then this. :-( xxx"
all of that is exactly how i feel in those words pretty much!
ive started getting together with my old close friends and its great! im trying to pick up old hobbies like dancing again thats harder though because i havent really been into them or getting much practise for a pretty long time!
heres some advice a friend gave me and it helped..
tell him exactly how you feel and you dont like it and find it disappointing and if he really loves you hell try more.. then lay off and see what he decides to do..
make schedules for yourself and dont even include him in them fill up your life with outings with friends, close ones, not-so-close ones, go out go in do all kinds of things you would do as if you dont have a bf, go out with guy friends just as friends and get closer to other people and build connections with them which will help you feel more loved and give you that support you need which you cant get from him atm even though we should be able to!.. spend time with family and take up new hobbies try new things find things you really enjoy.. sports/exercise is good even take up yoga and things like that it sounds silly but its really relaxing and helps you get in touch with yourself and feel good about yourself.. treat yourself do things that make you happy and you enjoy and that you really benefit from..
fill up your life get a fuller happier life!
then when you comes to you with a last minute thing well it will probably seem even more pathetic and sad of him than before but you will be stronger and be able to really tell him and show him that you deserv more from him and hopefully he feel more like givng you more of him.. after all does he want to be just a little last-minute part of your life or does he want to BE your life?? ask him that
whatever you do dont try for revenge like me sometimes feeling like cheating on him just so hell appreciate me more- DONT have feelings like that you probably dont anyway
and remember that heaps of people probably dont get treated half as good as you get treated by him! we need to appreciate our sweet laidback bfs :)
anyway hope it works out! let us know hows it going and if you have any help for me it would be great because i have the same problem too!
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A
female
reader, Gill@london +, writes (10 December 2008):
Gill@london is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe last post was from me sorry i forogt to login in..looking forward to hearing some wise words of wisdom as im feeling quite lost.
Thanks
Gill
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): i really appreciate the last post and you made a good point. I've been trying to do this but i feel so weak for him becasue i really love him and want him to want me. But im trying to put my insecuirty to one side and concentrate on me. He is making efforts to stay in touch every day as we normally do but since i had a chat to him about him sorting out his own things like xmas and stuff he never brought it up and he wont until the last minute when he FINALLY decides what he wants to do. It's driving me crazy not asking him about this. I wish i could be more laid back. But as much as i love him im getting tired of some of the frustrating things he does. Problem is im not strong enough to stick being "more laid back"..any ideas guys? I really need your help. I'm trying to focus on me more and also doing my own things but im missing him alot but at the same time i wish i didnt miss or need him like i do :-( He is such a wonderful person but he is so laid back and vry relaxed. I accept this about him, but im finding it hard to accept that he can not give me more attension or make me feel as wanted as i want to feel. Does this make sense? Please help guys...i want to be stronger then this. :-( xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): yeah i think thats a good idea
just try to focus yourself towards other things and "let him have the situation" for a bit and see what happens
like you said stop wasting your energy on him and let him figure things out for himself and sort his life out and see what he decides to do
if i was you i would sort of change my attitude to him a little. like not punshing him for not changing for you by being all aloof/cold/.. but more like being more laidback and not uncaring but more calm about your relationship. sort of in the way he does. just to show him a little what its like and just to make it obvious that youve decided to take a step back but that youre not totally bending in to his ways. im not sure if this is a good idea and it probably seems a bit immature but thats what i would do! just some advice dont need to take it.
yeah and if by christmas and in time he hasnt shown he truly loves you by changing at least a little to become more "active" for you i would bring it up again because you dont want to live bowing into his ways when youre not happy you know? because you deserve to have a happy relationship and guy that will do anything for you! :)
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female
reader, Gill@london +, writes (7 December 2008):
Gill@london is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much this was really kind of you to reply in so much detail. I think i relate to you both. It's difficult when you know you are so different but you still love that person very much and want to be with them.I talked to him and we ended up having "another argument" about how different we are. He said he so busy with his studies and his own things (which i understand) that he can not plan ahead for xmas and wants me to go ahead and make my own plans becasue he doesnt want me to hold me back. This really got to me!! he said once he has time he try to make a plan to see me as he wants to but he can not make me a priority when he has his own life and so much to do. He always showing me he loves me but he also expects me to understand that he is his own person and pushing him wont help. He said i should respect that when im ready to plan stuff is not always the time when he is ready. I really dont know what to do about this. It feel really hard to even consider doing this as i really want to see him and know what going on but itold him that im sick of wasting energy on all this and that i will not nag him. I am going to try and take a step back and not ask him about it and see what he does and if he leave it till a few days before xmas when its to late and epensive to get flights then i will then be really disapointed and can tell him that. but i think before that i will not. if this makes sense? what do you think girls? I appreciate your help xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): ive got a situation sort of similiar.. i think i know how you feel!
im a pretty intense person who like you likes to be real organised and know what's going on and i get easily fired up and emotional and needy!- while my bfs like the opposite- really laidback and calm and just takes things as they come and doesnt really seem to need me like id like him to!
i get heaps annoyed at him for being so calm about things sometimes and wish hed be more onto it and keen and "needy for me" you know? i talked to him about it and he apologised and was like its the way i am but i will try.. and he is and its great!
maybe you should plan things for you two- try take charge at least for a bit and sort of reflect on him on what to do? and how nice it feels to have someone arrange your meetings for you. maybe he'll be influenced by you? find it in him to go out of his way and put aside his laidback personality to be more like you and show his need for you more?
not sure if that made sense hope it helped and made you feel better!
:)
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