A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Am writing this post to ask for advice/help.I feel like theres so much going on in my life I don't even know what to-do. I was with a guy for a year and a half roughly. The relationship was fantastic at the start then everything went downhill, we argued, he made dating profile online, everything was more important than me all of a sudden, he played games. I cried myself to sleep constantly. Was just horrible. And he said he'd change so many times and got alot of chances he never did. But the last straw was jan 10, and I just ended it, I couldn't stand the name calling and mind games. I knew I couldn't trust him, or forgive him. I found myself feeling totally insecure all the time. And all of a sudden i realised I didnt love him the same. So on the 26th of jan i ended it. And after alot of text messages with extermly hurtful things in them he stopped, and for a week I broke my heart, even though I ended it, it was hard aswell. Then all of a sudden he kept texting me and calling me everyday asking for me back...he assured me that he'd changed. And although its hard to believe this man didnt give up, I changed numbers, (but always checked my old phone) he rang/texted me everyday since jan til last week asking for me back. And when he was getting no answer and a dead phone he'd text my dads/mums mobile. I told him told him to leave me alone so many times. Then last week I texted him, I decided to give him a chance, because...I obvisily never let him go by checking my phone everyday and I would ring him when I was drunk. I was away on a girls weekend 3 weeks ago and it was mad, I was exteremly drunk and decided to ring him crying at 5 am in the morning. That told me that obvisly I felt something. So basically I gave him a chance and the same night all the little things I had for some reason came back again...he hadnt changed..and I ended it and told him why. He blamed me for starting the arguement. But I said I havent came this far getting over you to live like this arguing. Aswell as starting a university course and dealing with day to day things....I feel like am back at that time in jan...like its all just happened again I think about him 24/7. But I havent contacted him since last week and he hasnt me either. Someone help me once and for all to get this away out of my mind? I feel so alone. And noone knows I gave him a chance only me.Id appreciate any advice.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 You have learned your lesson. Guys don't change like that. They will tell you they have changed, but action speaks louder than words, and he never showed you any actual change, did he? Even so, you are hurt and need time to heel. And things would never be the same with him, no matter how much he improves. There will always be the chance he will hurt you again, and already wounded by him, that is just a risk you can not afford to take.
So, if he comes back again, and I am thinking he will, be firm. Remember why you left. Write it down if you have to. It was already painful back in January, and it is painful now, how many more times do you want to re-live this pain? If the answer is none, then just tell yourself that next time he wants to patch things up and tell you he is a "better man now".
We've all heard it before: "I am a changed man, I have improved, I am better now, I love you above all else, I will never disappoint you, you are all I need, I want to marry you, you are the one I want to grow old with" etc. Old used lines. All working to get you back to where they want you. Don't give into it, it is all a load of bull.
We've all been where you are now, there's no shame in that. We want to believe, so badly. Because we actually do love the person, even if they don't deserve it. But let your head think for now, and let your heart ache and heal.
Block him. Delete his phone number so you can't call him while drunk. Or leave your phone at home if you go out to drink, so you can't call if tempted. Or try to not drink that badly, or when you feel the urge to call him or talk to him, remember who he really is, what he did to you, and do something else instead, like call a girlfriend. Block him from every e-mail, facebook, whatever you have. Get him out of your system.
Next, you have to go through another 6 month or so and re-do everything you did since January, except calling him! Never call him or contact him. If you need something from him, have a friend contact him for you, or contact his friends. Not him personally.
Remember that you only feel so alone right now because you are going through a break-up. Sudden withdrawal from a person you used to be close to. But once you get over him you won't feel alone.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (9 November 2010):
 Ok, it is time to get tough with yourself. This man was abusive towards you and behaved badly when you were dating. He sounds like a lousy boyfriend. He behaved badly towards you because you let him and kept taking him back no matter what he did. He thought he was in charge of the relationship and, as such, decided he could do what he wanted. He may have hurt you, but you have to remember that you let it happen. Those nights of sobbing into your pillow were because you stayed around to take more abuse in the hope he would change. You demonstrated courage in quitting the relationship and must now stay away from this fool as he maybe dangerous. He only wanted you back after the break-up because he was lonely, in desperate need of attention and a pathological control-freak. His verbal aggression towards you may have been a precursor to more serious physical violence had the relationship continued. Many domestic violence cases start out with verbal fights before escalating into broken noses and black eyes. His relentless pursuit of you was stalking. When he couldn't contact you, he would contact relatives instead. You did the right thing changing your number but you should ask your parents to text him back next time he rings their phone stating no more contact or else the police will be called. That threat should be backed up if he continues to contact as he shouldn't be allowed to disturb them. As for you, stop getting extremely drunk. We all like a glass or two but you cannot have good decision-making skills when you are off your rocker on booze. Delete his number from your phone and cease contact. If he pursues you further then contact the police and your phone provider who can take action against him. I think you need to learn a lesson from this to take forward in your life. If you get into a rocky situation in the future, recall how upset you feel at this very moment. It will prevent you from getting into a bad relationship again. We all make mistakes but the bright people learn from them. Your feelings of pain and upset right now are partly due to the relationship breakdown but partly due to your personal disappointment with yourself for taking him back. It will fade in time.
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