A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I have a huge dilemma which is driving me mad. My boyfriend who I have known for 5 years but have been going out with for 1 has decided to join the army to train as an officer. We have quite a complicated relationship because when we got together he was training to be an officer in the marines. He is one of my best friends and we always had a thing for each other but the timing was never right. So I agreed to go to a ball with him, thinking it was just a bit of fun and it all started from there... Basically we've fallen madly in love, I know it sounds cheesy but we really have. We are perfect for each other and I do know that because this isn't someone I've only just met, we've known each other for 5 years and really know each other if you know what I mean.Well anyway, 6months into his marines training he kept getting injuries and got really demoralised and decided to leave. I was so unbelievably happy because it meant we had the chance to really be together. Since he's been back, it really has been great and I know that it is possible to have a normal relationship with him, it wasn't the fact he was in the marines that was making it exciting, this is real. He is a very clever man and someone who is very passionate about finding a good career, I think he really desires status and wants to feel he has experienced life. So when he left the marines he was unable to find anything else that interested him. He really missed military life, which is strange to me as he hated it while he was there and decided to leave. Having not found anything, he decided to apply for the army and surprise surprise he got in.Now my problem is that although I love him with all my heart, I can't bear the thought of him being away so much, I know the reality and it makes me feel sick. I feel like I'm losing him, watching go over the edge of a cliff. The frustrating thing is that he can't see this, he thinks everything will be ok and we should try to make it work because we love each other so much. It says that he wants to marry me later on and doesn't want anyone else and yet he's choosing the sort of life that means he will hardly ever see me. He can't be there for me when I need him and his time will always be limited and controlled by the army.I would like advice on what I should do. Part of me wants to end things completely and try to move on with my life, knowing that ultimately he can't give me what I want ( a normal loving, caring, supportive relationship where you're involved in each other's lives). The thought of ending things with him is very painful however and I can't bare the thought of living without him. I am in such a difficult situation because whichever way I turn leads to pain for me. I am also angry with him for choosing this and being willing to risk losing me (although I don't think he believes I'll leave him although I have threatened to). He leaves for training just after christmas, should I just hang on with all the worry and see how things go/ end things now and try to move on/ stick with him because I love him and would definitely want to be with him if he wasn't joining the army?????Sorry for such a long rant, it's just that the situation is driving me crazy and I'm making myself feel ill thinking about it all the time. I would be SO GRATEFUL for any advice,Many thanks x
View related questions:
best friend, christmas, military, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much, that's very useful advice. I may well contact you!
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 From an army wife's perspective..it's hard being an army girlfriend/wife, not everyone can handle it. That's why they give army wives/girlfriends the cheating stereotype. You have to cope with them being gone quite a bit, yes the army dictates your every move. I suggest engaging in hobbies, surrounding yourself with friends, just keeping yourself busy at all times. One plus for you is if he gets deployed Brits only go on a 6 month tour. There are also clubs you can join for army wives/girlfriends, they band together when your soldier is gone. Basically like a group of new friends going thru the same thing.
How many years did he sign up for? He chose this career path, because he can excel at it...not as a stab at you. So now you must decide whether you can handle this or not, it's pretty black and white...I mean you can try it out and see how it goes, if you two get married and he's still in the military then nothing will change. He will still be gone half the time. Give it a shot, if you get to the point that you feel like you can't take it anymore. Then I would break up with him. But if you are truly in love with him then you bit the bullet and adjust to his chosen lifestyle.
Lastly, if you do need to talk to someone or vent..feel free to vent to a fellow military wife. Message me anytime.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, this advice is so helpful and is giving me hope. It's really useful to hear opinions from wise people.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): he is an ambitious, good, serious thinking man. Hoping to build a good career. He sounds like husband material. If you end up together you may be together for 60 or more years. This short interlude while he trains is but a hiccup. Dont destroy the relationship before you have truly started. A man needs to feel what he is doing is making a difference. Trust him.
...............................
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (9 November 2010):
 Hello, if the relationship is based on the mutual love that you say it is then I think you should stick with him. Our partners don't always make the choices we would hope, or the right choices for that matter. However, a long term relationship has to be based on compromise and 'agreeing to disagree' on certain matters. If he hated the marines then he may well hate the army too - let him find out for himself. If you set an ultimatum of 'me or the army' then he may resent you for blocking a career path. It is tough for you emotionally but if this is the man that you contemplate marrying in the future then back his decision even if you have to worry yourself silly about him while he is pursuing this dream. If he then comes back having decided the army is not for him, help him convert to a civilian career. You say he is a bright man - there maybe opportunities in national security, the police and so forth that would appeal to his interests.
...............................
|
