A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Not a love question but I am fighting to understand my current problem and dearcupid has always been useful for this. Now this could be long so bear with me.I've been at my current job for 6 years.My manager has always been a bit of an enigma, a very private person but over time I got to know her and care about her well being, especially when she got ill. I kept her up to date during her sick days, I worked close to her when she returned, kept her cheerful, was her right hand woman but then it changed when I began a relationship with a fellow worker. Of course I've had to make allowances in my work for my relationship and that has meant reducing my hours working but i am still there if she needs me, but ever since I confronted her about treating a fellow worker unfairly, she has been cold, sharp and basically treating me like an imbecile.Some of you will probably wonder why i would confront her, but i know why, because i have always been able to speak to her about things, using honesty and help her see another perspective. I have never been anything but friendly to her. Maybe she has decided to distance herself from me, but my colleagues know I am hurt by her behaviour. I know she is my boss but we have always been able to work through things before. Now I find myself telling people it is easier to avoid her than try and have it out with her, after the last confrontation failed so spectacularly. If she wants me put in my place then it is working wonders. I get curt emails and when I need to speak to her she is always too busy. Colleagues can see I am looking miserable, they say they even see how it has affected the both of us. One even pointed out that the difference between me and my other colleagues is, I’ve always treated my manager as a friend, and vice versa, as we began at the company at the same time. Work is not as smooth as it used to be. There is a lot of back biting and bitchiness between colleagues and of course a little competition and even bullying, and my manager seems to be sticking her head in the sand whereas she used to be great at sorting things and defusing situations. Colleagues are even criticising her and they never used to before and I could always tell her what people were thinking without naming names. I want things to be, if not how they used to be, then at least more civil but can’t seem to find the words any more. I love my job and don’t want to leave but sometimes it seems the easier option. But I won’t. So I was wondering, has anyone been in this situation before, what did you do to get it on an even keel? Should I stop bothering, or confront her? And if I do confront her, what do I say and how. I never used to need pointers but now I do.Hope you can help Thank you.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 April 2016):
 You need to remember that she is your boss not your friend, yes it was great that you helped her, but now you are cutting back work hours because you are in a relationship doesn't sound to good, unless you are doing crazy hours why would you need to cut down your hours? and how did you go about it? Did you ask her to get your hours cut? Talk to her about it?
You telling her about what people where saying about her, doesn't mean she is your friend, she used you as a source of gossip but that doesn't mean she trusted you. I think you where favored a bit because you helped her, but now she wants to get that employer employee relationship back and you are spitting your dummy. Sure talk to her if you feel that it will help, but otherwise my advice would be to do your job and not interfere with management.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (20 April 2016):
 "It all began when I started a relationship with another worker" I assume romantic and not a working relation? Could that be the cause of this by any chance, a bit of romantic jealousy? Or it could be that she feels a bit second fiddle that you have stepped back from your working loyalties to her in favour of this new person. Once a right hand woman to a reduction in hours may have her a bit resentful and frustrated. Unfair of course and hardly professional if that were even the slightest bit of the possible problem. If it were me, when the time is right ask if she has a quick moment telling her you have something you need to discuss with her. First of all thank her for taking the time to talk with you and continue with expressing your concern that you cant help but notice a change in professional dynamics and ask if it is something of a personal or performance level. You could note that you have always respected her and her position,mention the confrontation and would like to take the opportunity to apologise for being out of line as see where that takes you. I cant say as I don't work there of course, but unless it is brought to her attention about the bitchy behaviour, personally till then, I wouldn't be bothered as I would expect adults to be acting accordingly. Im sure she has more pressing things on her agenda than catty colleagues. I say have a go at clearing the air first before making any rash decisions to leave your job. From now on try your best to keep work and pleasure to very separate things. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2016): My question: why did you feel the need to "confront" her earlier? She seems like a nice, sensible person, which was why you both were friendly, but she is also your BOSS. You might have felt what she did to be unfair but you cannot share her perspective because of the responsibilities she has due to her position. I think you were out of line there. Plus telling her what others think of her seems gossipy and negative. Say you're sorry and leave it at that.
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