A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year in a long distance relationship. I am finding it a real struggle lately, and am not sure where I stand with him. He was open with me from the beginning and told me that he finds things difficult to talk about (although I actually found him refreshingly open and honest about things) and that he liked his space but I didn’t realise how much space this was to become. To start with he was very attentive, affectionate, and just a very kind and loving guy. I felt very special and I could really feel the relationship going somewhere. He took me on holiday, introduced me to all his friends and family and talked about us moving in. He is very laid-back, but almost too laid-back as he has no concept of time.We have had a lot of obstacles to cope with over the year (I couldn’t drive for a year due to a medical reason which was difficult given that I lived a long way from my boyfriend in a rural area with no public transport in the evenings!), his dad was seriously ill, I had various medical problems (mainly resolved) and to top it all just as my boyfriend and I were serious about moving in together I was made redundant earlier in the year and have been unable to find work since. However, we always found a way to see each other once a week or so. I have some trust issues (don’t know where they stem from) and for some reason in April/May we didn’t see each other for 5 weeks. Time just run away I guess. I started thinking that maybe he is seeing someone else but I have no concrete proof. There was a one-off occasion back in February when I wondered if he was seeing someone else because one evening all he did was check his phone all the time. Mind you, it has never happened again since. Anyway, after we came back of holiday things have very slowly got worse in my opinion.My boyfriend said several times that we need to see each other more often which I agreed with. I reminded him of this but he won’t acknowledge it. He seems to bury his head in the sand which he didn’t do in the past. He used to be very open and helpful in working problems out. We haven’t actually seen each other now since the end of July due to him being ill and then I had no transport. He knows how I feel about it but I keep getting a wall of silence, although he will talk about anything else. I feel like he is giving me mixed messages because he doesn’t know what he wants. Sometimes I will not hear from him for up to 3 days (which is too long for me or is that a reasonable length of time?) and then he seems to get insecure and bombard me with messages.When I have asked him if everything is alright, he says everything is fine. So, he seems very withdrawn and distant yet still contacting me. The thing I find most difficult is not knowing when I am going to see him or speak to him again. I think there is something very wrong but he will not acknowledge it (I can’t decide if he is depressed or seeing someone else... because he will not say). I keep getting this weird feeling like we have split up but we haven’t, almost like I am the only one that hasn’t been told! Have any of you guys had this feeling? I don’t want to make any decisions about the future of the relationship until he has told me what is on his mind. Have you guys got any tips for getting him to open up about what is going on for him?
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depressed, insecure, long distance, mixed messages, on holiday, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): Long distance relationships are extremely difficult, especially for introverted people, like your boyfriend. He made it very clear that he needs to trust someone before he opens up. Trust is an ongoing thing, and since he does not see you a lot, he has lost his confidence, and will only get it back after spending a lot of time with you.
You have one of two options:
1. Maybe you should accept that this relationship is over.
2. Otherwise, you can always move closer to him to try and make things work, but it is a big gamble. Remember, he is not going to change into an extrovert all of a sudden, so if you decide to be with him, you are stuck with him and his silences for good. And also, if you suspect him of cheating, it might also be a waste of time.
So think carefully before making a decision.
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