A
female
age
30-35,
*rishara
writes:Hi, my boyfriend is 21 and I'm 20 this year. We have been together for almost 2 years and recently we have been having lots of problems, from 5 months back.My boyfriend was enlisted in army for 2 years, and right now, he left 1 year to go. We only have the chance to see each other twice a week or none at all.I have no problems adapting to that situation.This year's new year, we had a very bad and heated quarrel, I almost bent on not seeing him anymore. Mainly because of the disappointment he kept giving me. He always says something but not do it. ALWAYS! Like getting me something, going somewhere together, or even things that he decide to do, get for himself, and things he says casually. None of his words meant anything at all. He dont meant any words he says.And partly because he's in army, he dont know when he could book out from camp, but yet he tells me he is going to see me during that weekend.So I got disappointed enough.Quarrels always got worst. Mainly because he isnt rational during quarrels. I can foretell what he is going to say next in quarrels. He would immediately pinpoint my faults FROM THE PAST, taking everything from the past, changing quarrel topics, blaming, he would say everything that he dont mean just to get me mad and hurt, and if all these doesnt work, he seeks sympathy.But yet, he's only objective is to get me to not be angry with him. Why go through all that trouble?!Whether the quarrels is my fault or his, these are the sequence he qould go through.I would want to let the both of us cool down, but he kept calling or wouldnt let me hang up the phone.It really gets me irritated. I dont know what to do with him, he's like a child. Another thing, he always claims to be this good that good. But yet I dont see anything that shows that. He really needs to starting putting his words into actions. How can I trust him? How can I respect him?And I should add in that, I may show signs that I dont respect him in the later part of the relationship after realising that he's that way. And I know that im at fault. But sometimes I just cant help it. Plus he doesnt respect me either.He doesnt believe a thing I say until someone he respect tells him the same thing.Am I a bad girlfriend for not respecting him? What can I do so he could change? How do I gain mutual respect in this relationship. I'm really frustrated and lost. I really feel that what is left in our relationship is resentment.I have lost most of my hopes in him and lost my respect for him. For whining like a girl and does not meant his words and probably not having a sense of individuality.But I really still want to keep this relationship going. We really enjoy spending time together apart from quarrels. We have same visions together and hobbies.Please tell me what to do... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PunkyPippi  +, writes (23 January 2009):
 Only time will tell, best of luck to you!
A
female
reader, trishara +, writes (23 January 2009):
trishara is verified as being by the original poster of the question We had a real talk last night, and we really say what we like and dislike without hurting the other. And I really hope he would not just forget about the talk and take it like nothing happened, because I am ready to change, endure and commit.
Thanks alot for your advices! It really helps!
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A
female
reader, PunkyPippi +, writes (23 January 2009):
I think you need a heart to heart with him. I also don't see my methods as "sneaky psychology." Either talk to him about how you're feeling without getting emotional, or take a break to evaluate the relationship and figure out if this is really something you want to deal with.
Some questions to ask him:
1- How do I earn your respect?
2- Why does it seem that you are not willing to take my word for things, while at the same time you will take the opinions and ideas of others?
3- Come up with specific examples of the things he says he will do, but has not done yet, and ask him why.
The thing is though, don't attack him. Don't use "always" and "never" because when you say things like that it makes people feel as though their entire relationship with you is seen as a failure by you.
Tell him what you LOVE about him. What does he do that makes you want to be with him.
I think the resentment is from where you say "I don't know what to do with him. He's like a child." If you're seeing him like a child, you probably treat him like one, which allows him to act like one. You resent him because he doesn't follow through with the things he says. You say he whines like a girl, you don't trust him, and you don't respect him. You don't respect him because he's a man acting like a child.
I really hope this helped a little. You need to get out your anger and frustration at him and prevent it from coming back.
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A
female
reader, trishara +, writes (23 January 2009):
trishara is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan we handle this situation with a heart to heart talk? No sneaky psychologically methods just frank and honest talk. I need more advice... Honestly, I dont know where all the resentment starts.
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A
female
reader, PunkyPippi +, writes (23 January 2009):
You all are in a bad cycle where you're both frustrated, but neither of you seems quite ready to give this relationship up.
As far as respect goes, you earn it. I'm saying that for the benefit of the two of you. I'm not sure how your culture is, but unless a woman is seen as "less than" a man, he should be giving you the same respect as what you give him. (Either way he should, but cultural things can be tough to overcome).
You need to break the cycle. What do you argue about? I know you say that the erratic schedule works for you, but I think it's doing more harm than good. It's difficult to put all of the feeling you have for a person into tidbits and sound bites.
Maybe you to should cool off until he gets out of the army, and at that point give the relationship a fair chance. The year will give you both time to grow up and become more adult like in your behavior, and the time will allow you all to see if the good times are better than the bad.
Good luck.
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