A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A little background it turns out im emotionally numb/unavailable to people. i have a difficult time making meaningful connections with them even if i want to. tv makes emotional unavailability seem like a big joke for men. its been like this for me for years because when i was young and tried to be emotionally close with people i was always slapped in the face . so i don't display intimacy towards people and ignore or sabotage the relationship if they do. in an effort to protect my self my brain has convinced me that all forms of intimacy are bad and pointless. its from classical conditioning.Im not afraid to talk to or make friends with women. im afraid to get close to women fearing that the same thing will happen. In order to get past this im told i need to approach people i dont want to, but want to make friendships and relationships with in order to restructure my thinking. how can i date women but make it clear that im not interested or ready for sex just yet without being seen as weird or unmanly?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2017): I meant to say:
" I mean they're so comfortable they bare their souls, and even undress in-front of us!"
"We also exercise the same control with our straight-male friends."
Pardon my editing after the fact!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2017): Dating leads to intimacy. The purpose of dating is being in search of someone that you want to be more than friends with. What you're asking doesn't make any sense.
If you don't want a physical-relationship with someone; you simply establish that the connection is purely platonic. It doesn't mean women will give a guy who is "emotionally-unavailable" the time of day; considering that kind of person can't be much of a friend either.
You need to start from basics and just practice being a friend with no respect to gender. Having no emotional-connection, and virtually feeling nothing for people; means you're not inclined to showing affection, or offering any form of emotional-feedback. That's necessary in any type of human-relationship. It's great for androids and robots!
I really think constantly suggesting people get counseling is over-played, overrated, and repetitive. Except in the cases of extreme mental-disorder, trauma, and psychosis that is apparent to everyone around you! In such cases, they're the last people to realize they need help. You literally have to put them in a straight-jacket and haul them off to a mental-health facility.
People are in-search of perpetual-happiness and guarantees. Life comes with no guarantees, and is notoriously unpredictable. How do you value and appreciate good-times, without bad-times to compare them to? Life will grant you tools for survival, you're born with a brain and a consciousness; but life does not reward you without first giving you trials and tribulation. People nowadays would rather take a pill to numb themselves, or lie on a couch and whine; than to face life with honesty and tenacity. Otherwise; tell me...what is living?
Why even form the word "friend" in your mouth; if you have nothing emotional to offer in exchange for friendship? You're just looking for someone to trifle and put-up with you? That was your parents' job! The people who brought you into this world. Past your ever-loving folks, you have to earn your place in humanity.
Sometimes we have to reach into our own emotional-resources and exercise simple human emotions. Take risks at exploring and sharing our feelings! Like empathy, kindness, warmth, and the big one...TRUST! So many write that they can't trust anyone. Hello...you're part of the human-race! ALL people make mistakes! ALL people have faults and weaknesses! ALL people bear imperfections, both mentally and physically! So, if you can't trust; why should you be trusted??? Then live on your own little solitary-planet of distrust, and be alone. We other humans work through our issues. God help us!
Women don't always need a boyfriend. Sometimes they do want a guy-friend who's mind is out of his trousers, and up in his head where it belongs. They often choose us gay-men; because they get to enjoy all the benefits of masculinity (with a flair for style and fashion)...no slight to the more delicate and effeminate types; but the point is, male-companionship with no sexual-strings attached. I mean they're so comfortable they bear their souls, and even undress in-front of us! Now that is pure trust! Not to be expected by straight-men; because that's where they draw the line! Gay men can carry the title of girlfriend and boyfriend simultaneously. We stay-put in our place; when it comes to sex with women. We also exercise the some control with our straight-male friends. No sex involved! We are so versatile!
You admit you don't really have the necessary emotional-aptitude to make meaningful connections. People with restricted emotions are very difficult to warm-up to. It's like trying to crack a walnut between your thumb and index finger. You can't crack it with any amount of pressure you exert! You come-out of it exhausted and frustrated. Even pissed! Waste of time and energy, if you ask me! Total exercise in tedium! Go buy a puppy or a kitten, when you can't relate to other people!
Until you can relax and feel at-ease with women, in spite of any bad past-experiences; the tension and remoteness is unappealing. If you come under the guise of "dating" them with the intent of only making friends, you are being deceptive. Nobody "dates" with the intent on making friends. Perhaps it was just the wrong choice of words?
If you go on a dating-site, there is a usually a drop-box that indicates you're only looking for lady-friends to share fun activities, companionship, and travel. You must specify and clearly emphasize in your profile; that you aren't available for romantic-relationships at the moment. Then wait. Wait some more. Then continue waiting for hits.
If you meet a lady in-passing, perhaps on a stroll, and she's game for conversation. You can break the ice by showing genuine charm without flattery or flirtation. As a side-note, delicately insert your disclaimer. That you've done your best to include some really cool ladies among your circle of friends. Just as friends, with no strings! Just to share good-times, celebrations, and support during the bad-times.
I don't recommend approaching married-women, or ladies with boyfriends. They'll let you know where they stand, or ask you if you're gay. Just take it in stride, and don't be offended. If you make it a prerequisite there be no sex, natural curiosity would make anyone wonder. Why? Keep your explanation simple, and to the point. You like women, but you want to enjoy their friendship and companionship; but you want it to be a platonic-friendship. In spite of your ego, strong sense of self-importance, and confidence in your appeal to women. Some ladies will instantly friend-zone you anyway! So you can't presume they will all want you that way!
It takes patience in finding friends and/or lovers; because you have to go through the process of selection/rejection. You have be sure everyone is on the same page. Being human, your "feelings" are tricky and unpredictable. They could change, and you may find yourself becoming attracted and emotionally-attached; then nature pulls a stunt, and you feel sexually-attracted. You seem to believe you're half-Vulcan; so you know your feelings better than most.
Just put all your intellectualizing aside; and exercise some simple methods in human-interaction. Warm-up to people without prejudice. Be vulnerable, and friendly. Let-down your defenses; and remember we all share the same emotions, propensity towards making mistakes, and nobody's perfect.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2017): The question is sorta misleading. i want to date women but not have sex with them. so i want to move past platonic just not get physical.
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