A
female
age
51-59,
*emini23
writes:I met a new guy three years after my divorce . online dating he was very newly seperated ( i didnt know this at first)I think his wife cheated . she moved out with another man. But anyways .. Everything was great He was great . Lot in common, enjoyed time together . Helped each other with kids (kids all older 16+) after one year he started asking for more kinky things sexually at first small things . Our sex was always good.. great.. often ..Then conversation went to discussion of threesomes ,group sex.. dominace submission etc.. At first i was scared confused . He would let it go, then conversation came up again. after awhile started to think about with him. maybe.. Then one night he tells me he's on this website .. about threesome .. I ask to look at website . everything changes .. defensive angry.. after about a week of continued lies and my personal searching. I find out hes been on sex websites the whole year the whole relationship. Numerous sites chatting on website and phone sex.lots of porn . The things he said to men and women made me nervous . Found some conversational emails with other women. He says he did it for the excitement never met anyone. Says the last six months were horrible couldnt stop. Doing it late at night , at work, when we were together sneak peeks on his phone . Claims he has sex addiction "cybersex" .. claims he couldnt stopped . So many lies. Also so many emails about him trying to find another man for threesome even before I said maybe. He admits he was pushing me to do it .. fantasy of his. I dont know what to do . Feel so unwanted ,used, lied too . Doesnt seem possible same person.Want to stay help him he seems remorseful maybe even depressed. But me I dont know if i an forgive it .. let it go.. Im hurt angry and feel not good enough .. I do Love him alot thou
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affair, at work, cybersex, depressed, divorce, moved out, phone sex, porn, sex addict, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2012):
 Personally, I would be out of this relationship. He is lying and when he isn't lying he is making up excuse after excuse.
He won't stop, he will just hide it better. Addict or not.
He was not EVEN considering if you wanted to do these 3-some - he figured if he asked enough and pushed JUST enough you would say yes.
I'm WILLING to be this is why his EX-wife left him. She got fed up and found a DECENT guy instead.
Sorry, I could forgive this, but not continue the relationship because the trust is completely gone and the respect is too.
He should be looking for someone who is ALREADY into the whole swinger thing, not trying to "make" you want this to please him.
You two (in my honest opinion) are not compatible sexually.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (6 December 2012):
 With respect you are absolutely perfect for him...
Vulnerable, trusting, needy, reliable, easily manipulated, sense of decency that wouldn't allow you to believe that he is such a peverted low life, you are also a woman of a certain age, probably lonely and slightly panicky that you won't be able to find someone better and best of all you are forgiving.
You are not alone, there are thousands of women who come out of long marriages and hope to find prince charming again, but end up with some higly dysfunctional creep that some other poor woman has spewed her guts to get rid of.
Takes a while for the shit to float to the top, but as they say, the truth will out and he did pretty good to keep his proclivity for questionable sex under wraps for so long...but now he is shining in all his glory, but you, sweet dear woman are looking for an excuse to forgive and stay...
I'm not gonna warn you where it could all lead because you are a grown woman but whilst you are swimming round in the sea of denial, you might just wanna make sure those rocks of mistrust and deception don't drag you under.
How can I speak so acutely about this...because I have been through a similar situation myself, which, for your information, took three and a half years of my life and and additional two years to recover from.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (6 December 2012):
 Hon, the only advice I can give you is to stop all contact with this man.
He sounds like a predator and you will land up doing things just to please HIM.
Just for your info - he said his wife left him for another man - I seriously doubt that - she probably had enough of his cheating and sex addiction.
HE has all these fantasies, and HE wants you to participate, and if you dont participate HE will just find another girl to do them. You are being used and allowing yourself to be used.
As much as you say you love him, you dont you are just in love with whatever character he has acted out to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): There is a saying that we need to.....take the rough with the smooth. Meaning all things have a bad time and that`s when you are there for someone. Because you cant just be there for the good times. So if he had just developed an illness or sudden financial troubles and you were able to help, you should!
But this is something else. Lying to you, cheating on you, even setting up another guy for a threesome with you, before you had even said yes. He sounds depraved and nasty.
This isnt just seeing him through a rough patch and being there for him. He is basically a sex/porn obsessed manipulator with no conscience, who has wormed his way into your life and is only there trying to groom you for his fantasies. He WILL appear nice, that`s how that type get what they want out of you!
With respect, he probably feels he has identified something vulnerable or needy in your personality and he is home and dry with a few tears, because you wont have the strength of character to give him `the bums rush`.
He has an addiction....yes. To lying, cheating, sex, phone sex and porn. You only have his word for it that he hasnt slept with other women and that might not be true. If he has been on sites talking to them and having phone sex with them, who knows if he hooked up with any in person. I wouldnt set too much store on his word at this point.
I would drop him like a hot potato, you deserve someone decent and this guy is too old to suddenly change now. My guess is, he is enjoying himself way too much and has been this way for many, many years. If a few months with you didnt leave him thinking you were an amazing lady, fear losing you, feel shame for lying to you AND make him clean up his act...well im afraid its never going to happen.
You could try giving him another chance but is it really worth any more of your precious time? I would leave him to it and try to move on as quickly as possible.
Just thank your lucky stars you didnt go along with his fantasies. You would have felt so much worse if you had discovered what he is really all about after you had been pressured and duped into sleeping with other men to feed his depravity.
You deserve so much better. Please dont settle for less because it wont make you happy. His company might have filled a void, he may have been good in bed but someone with no integrity will always let you down. So good luck if you stay with him because you will need it.
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