A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:To be very blunt, my whole family is extremely pissed off at each other. Saturday, my family had a memorial dinner of sorts for my mother's brother who passed away a few weeks ago. My two cousins have been having some issue in the recent years, and the tension sort of escalated into a very heated argument between the two. My cousin, who is known for his very explosive nature, was getting into her face and she wasn't backing down either. Her kids were there so I sort of tried to (calmly) break them a part and I guess that was the straw that broke the camel's back because my cousin grabbed my shoulders and pushed me a little.Now, I don't think it would have mattered as much as it did if I wasn't going on being about 7 months pregnant. So in return my boyfriend gets angry at my cousin and my aunt gets angry at my boyfriend. And long story short, my whole family is angry at each other.If you knew my family well enough you would know that they can hold grudges for a long time (years, even). My uncle's death was a huge shock to everyone and they shouldn't have to deal with something this right now.I feel as if this is my fault; if I hadn't stepped in then no one would be angry at each other. My mom is angry and refuses to talk to anyone in the family and it's the same for my aunt and cousins. I feel as if they don't talk to each other soon then they will never talk to each other again. So... how do I fix my family? Should I let them be angry or talk to them about it or...?Thank you very much!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 October 2011):
 If there is one thing I have learned after 59 years on this planet it's that there is "no fixing family". You can fix yourself, you can make sure you react to the situation in a cordial amiable fashion but there's nothing to be done about the other family members and their reactions. Focus on you and your baby and let the chips fall as they may. Good luck Sweetheart.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 October 2011):
 You certainly have too many pressures on you right now. Time to Prioritize. And pare your life back to leave all that room for caring for you and your baby.You have immediate grief in your family. Sadly a death, especially an unexpected death, can bring out emotions too RAW to endure and like no other.The Pattern of actions in your family has been too reactive for far too long. You live in the eye of the storm, amongst a family where aggression and Blame and anger and long term grudges are the norm, adding to your pain. And the job is too big for you to fix alone. They have to want to change. And they may never want to change. And you are in the last weeks of your pregnancy. This is a time that is crucial. And you must come first. That is not selfish. It is about surviving. You do need to look after you first then both you and your baby. This is your time to practise the "Art of Selfishness" to help you Survive. Because it is not selfish to put you first. Let no one criticise this approach. They are not 7 months pregnant. Caring for you so that you can care for you and your baby must be your focus. It is not selfish, it is about surviving and being in the best position to give your baby the Best start in life. Your health. Your relaxation time. Your breaks, that you do need, where you put your feet up and you find the time to relax and prepare for baby. And your time to get enough sleep and just chill out. Because just before baby is born is before the real work is about to start. Hopefully your Mom will soften when she sees her new grandchild. Because you will need her. Or you could ask your partner's Mom to assist if you are happy with that as a solution. The first month Baby seems to consume 24/7 of every week.My body becomes a clock winding down in the first 10 days after a birth. The over-riding tiredness has to be seen to be believed. Despite doing everything right before the birth, well the tiredness hits me like a Mack Truck accelerating into me. Now back to your family.I bet it has been like this for decades? With poor negotiation skills. Non-evident resolution skills. Lose-lose all the time as everyone has to win? It is dysfunctional. How do I know? Because I grew up in a home where Mom and Dad resolved everything by slamming doors enough to dislodge the architraves from around the door. Enough to have stains on the wall at shoulder height because my Dad had thrown food he did not want to eat at my mother or where my mother had thrown the meal at him because he was late home. And that is just one example. Screaming, yelling, bitterness, yes and lack of forgiveness etc. As a small child I tried to separate my parents. Only to be told, yes they were fighting, but that it was "all your fault" and I was 5 and they were both pointing at me? I know now that their reaction and blame was unacceptable. I know now that I could not "fix" them. And I know now that it was NEVER my FAULT and therefore I was NOT responsible for my parents out of control behavior. And it is NOT your responsibility to fix your family. They all need to want to change the way they relate to each other. And stop being so unkind to each other. One way you can work to encourage your family to change is if you change how you react. Some of the things you can do are:Try to keep a positive focus.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.htmlYou cannot fix people, but you can encourage people with a compliment when they act in a positive way. And ignore them when they behave unacceptably. Silence can be more powerful as a response when someone says something unacceptable, provocative or unkind. It gives them time to hear themselves and it does not sound nice when they realise they are ranting only to themselves.An unexpected death disrupts the family.In an already fractured family this can have catastrophic reactions and outcomes.Trust hardly exists in a fractured family. One way to build trust is to interact one on one with different family members at different times. Your family all need to heal. But NOT at the expense of your health. Invite them over (one at a time, for a specific mutually acceptable time) for a coffee and cookies. Let them know that you have a spare hour. Limit the time you spend with them, but make every minute count. Where you LISTEN intently to them without judging, without interrupting and without offering solutions. Just Listening with Empathy and clarification rather than expecting to give them solutions. Right now you only need to rebuild some trust. keep them in the picture on how baby is. Encourage them to visit you. But arrange a specific time. And be clear that the time is the one when you will be there. If they fail to adhere to the agreed time do not reward them by answering the door. Continue your rest. Retrain them to arrive at the agree time and leave at the agreed time. One hour chunks only and one at a time. For after baby is born. Believe me you will want your rest after baby arrives. Your home should never be "open house" when you have just had a baby.Men sometimes act aggressively when really they are hurting really bad inside. They cannot face breaking down so instead they get outwardly Angry. It is not helpful and they should set out to learn other ways to transmit the pain they feel inside. Let them know you are there for them, and will listen to them. Using your rules: no yelling, blaming, no pushing/shoving. And no manipulation (if you really loved me you would do/provide/stop/start/attend etc .....abcdef) Maybe it was too soon to hold the dinner. It has happened. It was sad. And all of those who care will be feeling sad right now. No family has everyone on the same page. But people do still need to treat each other with respect. Walk out of the room if they are behaving disrespectfully.Don't be averse to seeking some professional counselling to cope with the grief you may still be feeling, for your family, for the fractured relationships you see in your family and for your grief. But there is still Christmas to work towards. Do not try to be the major peacemaker as you will have your new baby to care for and your health and the care of your baby must come first.. And even Christmas may be too early to think about that as a healing time. It still might be too early.we often tire ourselves as we try to do too much with too little. Too much cooking, cleaning and entertaining and present buying. So don't wear yourself out trying to do present buying this Christmas. You have a new baby. Let the family know that the baby is such a big change this year in your life that instead of presents you are making a donation to (name your favorite charity) in lieu of presents this year and you made the donation in the name of ...(your family) so let them know that they have all helped that charity this year.. That will help the budget too as you can give a specific amount.. Instead of a big Christmas lunch this year, just hold a 150 minute drinks and canapes party on Christmas Eve or during the afternoon during the weekend before Christmas. You need your sleep so you can look after baby. Make it easy on yourself. Over time as the family see you are positive and you are coping well then they may soften and realise that your approach works and their more aggressive style of interacting does not work.Good Luck. I know you will need it. But your Baby will no doubt make everything seem beautiful
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