A
female
age
41-50,
*ristena
writes:I have been dating a guy for about 4 months now. We are "exclusive" (whatever that means today, everbody seems to have a different definition) I guess he is pretty much my boyfriend we don't date other people. I'm 32 and he is 31 years old. He has a 3 year old daughter from an ex girlfriend. Seems as though he was hurt by the ex. I feel I need more from him and really didn't know how to bring it up in conversation. He tells me he is content at where our relationship is. He ask me if I feel the same way and I tell him I'm not sure. I don't want to scare him away by moving too fast but I also feel like I need more. I'm 32 and never been married no children and I dont want to invest another year with another guy and it not lead to marriage. I have invested years and years as much as 5 years with one guy for it to end. I want to settle down and have a family.So him telling me he is content at where our relationship is makes me feel like he isn't sure about me or scared to be serious...I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing?? My feelings are strong for him and he has been what I have been looking for in a husband. I'm I just wasting my time or is he just being cautious because he has a child with his ex and doesnt want to get screwed again. He is a family man and that's what he tried to do with his ex and daughter but it just didnt workout.I'm so scared of getting hurt or him eventually leaving me that it's hard for me to feel secure in the relationship.Any advice would help!!!
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female
reader, Kristena +, writes (4 December 2009):
Kristena is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: So it seems he is still hurt or whipped on his daughters Mom. I sent him a random text just out of curiousity to see what he said. I was going through some old text in my phone and saw some messages from him when we first met. So, I text him just a random question do you ever miss me?? Said I was going through old text and you used to tell me all the time when we first met.
He text me back with this response:
Hi Babe, I'm Sorry I'm out of it lately! i'm not in a good place mentally. Had a really bad day! And prob not the best for u right now, and its not fair to u!
So after getting that text I didnt want to continue to text I wanted to speak to him.So I called him but he didnt answer but responded back with this text:
I'm not control of my voice right now, don't want to talk right now
I'm not saying I want to end anything! I'm just saying that I'm screwed up and prob not what you need.
So after me crying and finally talking to him on the phone still not sure what ruined his day but I'm assuming it has to do with his ex. He isn't good about sharing his feelings I think it goes to his childhood growing up with a Dad who was a major in the Marine Corp. He tells me he is down and depressed and shouldnt allow him to get this way. A man shouldnt feel this way. Says he misses his daughter and feels like a failure for things not working out with his daughters Mom. So I'm assuming something happened that triggered him to feel this way. I know this weekend wasnt his weekend to get his daughter but his ex asked if he could take her because she is going out of town. So I'm thinking she is probably going out of town with a guy and this triggered something with him (just assuming).
So I tell ask him if he is trying to say bye to me and he tells me no..I ask him if he wants me to say bye and he tells me no. Talk about confusing! So I'm suppose to see him Saturday and I usually stay until Monday morning. We live an hour away from each other so usually just get to see each other on weekends most of the time. So, still being confused and he was going to bed. I said so are our plans still on for Saturday and he said yes see you Saturday...
What the hell??? He doesn't want to say bye but he also is telling me he is screwed in the head..I'm not sure what to think. Maybe he was just having a bad day and things will be fine this weekend. He did say he didn't want to talk to me because he didn't want to screw things up because he was having a bad day. I can hope that things are fine this weekend. I can also give it more time and hope that our relationship does eventually progress or I could just be wasting my time and he may never get over his ex.
Like I told him as a friend I have seen this many times. The guy is till hungup on the ex girlfriend so he doesn't move on with anyone pushes every girl away. While in the meantime the ex girlfriend is moving on eventually gets marrried has some more kids while the guy is 40 something and still living the single bachelor life! I told him that and I said I know you want more kids and a family you have tried with your ex over and over and it never works out. Do you want to be miserable forever or try to move on and find happiness with someone else???
WHA WHA!!! No lets sit around and pout!!! Your daughter is 3 now..get over it!!!
So what I plan on doing this weekend is just laying it on the line..I'm going to tell him how I feel about him and he is either in or out. I want a family sometime in the near future, I'm 32 years old.
I'm so discouraged anymore..I feel like if things dont workout with him I can't date anymore too much heartache..Why are relationships so difficult these days????
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): Why are you concerned with scaring him away? Surely, you have your own worth and if he is too weak or whatever to be scared he is no marriage material guy. I would say that if this guy is able to tackle any important questions you volley at him and he doesn't flinch and he answers in a way that satisfies your perspective on things then he is the guy you are looking for. If he dallies then you have to look elsewhere because he is not where you want him to be as a possible couple in the making.
Be demanding! Ask probing questions because you have no time to lose(now).
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A
female
reader, Kristena +, writes (21 November 2009):
Kristena is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses!!! Just to clarify he has never been married just had a child from ex girlfriend that he was with on and off for 5 years. I know I try to rush things...I guess it's my clock ticking. But, my brother once told me that a man should know within 6 months if you are someone he can see in his future. I don't want to scare him away but I also want him to share his feelings with me about how he does feel about me. He hasnt given me flowers or anything like that to show he is really into me. We spend time together pretty much every weekend and one day during the week depending on our work schedule. So he is consistent in seeing me and never flakey.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (21 November 2009):
 It is simple, what is it that he wants out of life.
He done the marriage thing, he has got a kid and men don't have a ticking clock.
You want a husband and some children, and you might be feeling the clock ticking.
So, is he not in any rush to marry and start ANOTHER family because:
A. Never ever again!
B. What's the rush.
C. Not with you.
Oh, and the whole "his ex hurt him" thing? Is that an excuse you are making up in your own mind. If he is really that scarred then why is he with another woman right now? It is all to easily used as an excuse not to have to commit or to explain his unwillingness to commit.
It is never to early to determine if he is marriage material, because when would be the right time? 4 months? Half a year? 2 years? You think he is suddenly going to change?
Oh and what Gina said, that he was involved enough to have a child once... partially true. That involvement also resulted in a divorce.
Here is a golden tip for any second owner, find out why the previous one got rid of it. The marriage ended for a reason. Find out why (and not his "truth").
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