A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Readers.This is not my first time to ask for advice on dearcupid, but the last time I didn't really get any advice that helped me and my problem...Basically, I'm a woman in my early 20's and am, and have been in love with another female who's in her early 30's, for about 3 years, YES 3 years! Thing is it's absolutley taking over my life. I can't spend a single day without thinking about her. It's so hard. Hardest thing of all is that I can't let my feelings be known. It's not that I even mind about coming out to family and friends, it's that I don't know what way she feels about me. After all these years of wondering and analysing every word she says, I feel that I have to do something about this, as I feel my young life is passing and I'm not doing all the things a young woman should be doing...This problem holds me back. Sometimes I go out with mates and end up kissing some guy just to be "normal". But it never means anything because she's there on my mind. She's what I want and I'm afraid if I tell her and she doesn't feel the same, that I'll have nothing else to live for. I feel like its better living in hope because at least there's a chance??The other night I had a dream that I told her everything and she got really mad with me.. I think that's why I'm questioning if I should tell her or not ever since. It's truly driving me insane... It's not healthy living like this from day to day. The thoughts of us been together is what keeps me going, and so if I found out that she didn't feel the same, I could never get over it. The pain would be too much for me.. I love this woman to bits, and please don't take that lightly...I love her with every piece of my heart.. I just wish I could know how she feels.Guys, I really need your help here, because I can't handle this alone anymore.. It's a cross I've carried far enough on my own. PLEASE help me.Thank you all xxx
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female
reader, gemini8  +, writes (25 September 2009):
First of all I would like to say, I can almost relate to your situation in the full 100%.Also I found this link from SEARCHING my own question...and this is what came up.This is my story.I'm currently 19 years old and basically I've also been in love with this girl since I really started hanging out with her in 2005. It's hard to really go out and date other guys and try to be "normal" cuz she really is all that I think about. She's even been in my dreams for the past nights over the course of the years, especially if I think about her a lot. ALSO, the main reason why it's so hard to get over her is because she is my NEIGHBOR. lol.We had this unofficial thing back in 2005. I know this may sound weird, but she was about 11-12, and I was around 15-16. But to my surprise, she had a lot more mature mindset at her age. We were just hanging out like how girls always do, and its like i could feel this connection with her. We were always really intimate without any real intentions. We would hold hands or kind of cuddle but not really KNOW KNOW about it or discuss it you know? It just happens.. we started having sleep overs and I remember I could just stare into her eyes for eternity and feel at peace and my heart rate slow down. I believe she was my first love and I feel the same as you do.. that i may not find another or that my world may end without her.We did many things that I would not consider "straight" but nothing sexual of course. We had no intentions and I think she felt connections too otherwise I can't explain the feeling and look she has when she is staring back at me. I fell in love without knowing.. and I was very sensitive at that time because I had always been dealing with my "confusion" and this time I knew she was the one I wanted to tell. However much I loved her, I was always too scared to tell her. Being at our age, especially at her young age... I wasn't sure how she would deal with me TALKING About it. Some people can deal with it as long as its not brought up. We had some fights... in the end I realized she was everything I had but was breaking my heart cuz i couldnt tell her. I thought it was best for the both of us If I had left and "unattached" myself from her.I figured I was just leading her down the wrong path and she'd be better off doing "normal" things.I was heartbroken and depressed for months. I was almost 16 and remember crying many nights.. I would dream that she was next to mee in bed and that she would be holding my hands or laying close to me. We never kissed or anything, but there were just so many things I wish I got to do at the time.. because that was when we were the closest.Now its impossible to even get close to her without seeing some kind of guard or different person behind her eyes.I think I may have broken her heart when I told her we shouldnt be friends anymore. I'm not sure, but my theory is that... She wants to move on and doesn't like discussing the past as she has told me in the past year.. and so she is stronger than I am and would rather hold in her feelings.The past 2 years.. I had been trying to reach out.I said I was sorry and that I wanted to talk about what happened.I told her the reason why I left and ended our "unofficial" whatever it was called.She never said much... maybe thats just her personality.. she was always bad with expressing things in words.I will never know how she feels..For two xmas's.. I tried telling her that I loved her..I made her a gifts.. and wrote little lettters.Last christmas.. I wrote her an 8 paged letter explaining some of the things about me and hinting how I wanted her to tell me anything she wanted to in a letter if it would make it easier.I told her that even though things aren't like how it used to be, I still care very much for her and she has been a significant part of my life.I'm very open in discussing and talking about things to her..but in the end, I know If i open too much I'll get even more hurt.Dear lady,I can understand your heartache situation.I can only hope that you have more courage than I do to face the women you love and tell her how you feel.I would give anything for her to tell me everything.I'm not sure where I'll go from here..but I know this will be an obstacle i'll have to deal with a few more years..It has def made me a stronger and more "hands on" person I guess.I hope this has helped some.I wish to discuss this more with you.Best of Luck.aL
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): Yea, I could tell her how I feel, but if she doesn't feel the same way, well then I've lost a very big part of my life. She's a good mate, and by telling her, I risk losing her...
You see, that's why I need to know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing. I wish I could get inside her head!! You guys may tell me to risk it and take my chances, but I'm afraid of the outcome - It would kill me to think that all these years have been a waste of emotion. She mightn't feel the same, and I don't know how she might accept what I've got to tell her if I was to be brave enough to face her, look her in the eye and leave myself wide open(I think I'd feel pretty vulnerable)...
Thank you all xxx
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A
female
reader, Cyg79 +, writes (11 October 2008):
 I have a hard time believing anyone wants to live alone. Honestly, I would take the plunge and tell her that you like spending time with her and if she would be up for it, you would like to see where things go. (you don't have to divulge more then just an interest.)
I believe you need to say something because it is destroying you inside, and I do believe that putting yourself out there and getting knocked down is better then never putting yourself out at all. This is part of life, and give yourself some credit, your a lot stronger then you think you are. I mean you have been at it for 3 years, and have not given up! Don't let it turn into 4.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): Hi guys. Thanks for the advice... I've made hints before about the gay topic. Sometimes I feel that she knows how I feel. She has no partner at the minute(and hasn't for sometime) - she lives alone and says things like she's happier that way. She has had boyfriends, I know that because she's told me, but her bottom line is that she "doesn't have time" or that she doesn't want to be married or have any desire for children... A tough one to figure out.Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, mylonleyself +, writes (11 October 2008):
 I know this is hard, I was in the same situation with this girl I used to work with. Just go and tell her. I am glad I got over it, I really liked her, I loved the girl and I wanted to be with her. I went for it and talked to her about how I really felt, she didn't feel the same way. I was glad I did tell her though because I was able to get over her. Good luck
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A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (11 October 2008):
 Do you know if she's interested in women or not, first off? Do you know if she identifies as queer in any way? If so, there's nothing to stop you starting to hint around her.If she identifies as straight, all is still not lost. You yourself go out and kiss guys to be "normal", how do you know that she's not in the same situation?Basically you need to start making hints that you're interested towards her. See how she reacts. If the reaction is positive, keep going. If it's negative, back off.I know exactly how you feel because I had the same situation. Mine was clearer because both myself and the woman in question were out lesbians, but again: I was secretly madly in love with her for three years (same ten-year age gap) and driving myself crazy. In the end we got drunk together and I kissed her and it all went from there. Not that I'm necessarily recommending that, it was a last resort, but still: we are still together and she is the most beautiful thing in my life.Good luck! Keep us posted.
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A
male
reader, fishnchips +, writes (11 October 2008):
well i think that first, it might help to make slight hints to her and if she picks up then she might let you know if she feels the same, if she doesnt notice then its probably best to just come out and tell her, but try not to force it on her or pressure her into it. let us know how it works out.
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