A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have an emotional dilemma. I am 24 and have a wonderful boyfriend who has a huge extended family (all of whom are lovely people). He had quite an idyllic childhood. My childhood was less happy. My mother died when I was 12 and I suffered sexual abuse as a young teen. I have had counselling to help get past some of the damage it did, and I feel I am generally a strong person.At the end of last year, I met another man while studying abroad. He had the most horrific childhood I'd ever heard outside of one of those child abuse memoirs. He is still covered in scars. He has no family at all as he ran away from them as a teen. We were friends at first, but I really grew to love him, and he loved me. We would talk for hours every day. I just wanted to give him all the love nobody else had, and fantasised about making a life with him in my host country and becoming his family. But eventually, I realised I had to make a choice and I knew I loved my boyfriend. I chose to cut contact with the other man. I have not spoken to him since December, though I think of him often and hope he's doing okay.My problem is, I can't help comparing my relationship to the feelings I had with him. I have always been the type to favour the underdog and have a strong desire to nurture and protect. I was my brother's protector growing up, and basically raised him from the age of 12. I find fulfillment in looking after people. My boyfriend doesn't need my help or nurturing, he's perfectly fine. Apart from rare occasions, such as when he's ill, I always feel I'm the one being looked after. Though that's lovely and caring on his part, it doesn't make for a really fulfilling relationship for me. I know I'm loved and wanted, but I don't really feel needed. How do I overcome this? I am so happy with him, but I still feel like something is missing. How do I fill this gap? It's difficult to explain, so I apologise if I haven't made much sense. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2019): I am truly sorry you went through such a horribly scarring and sad childhood. However, first of all, "My boyfriend doesn't need my help or nurturing, he's perfectly fine."I am almost absolutely sure this is false. Every human being on earth needs nurturing, help and compassion from their partner, regardless of whether they have suffered a major trauma, or have simply come from a more regular background. Part of your healing is probably learning to understand and see that even so-called "privileged" people suffer pain, the daily grinds of existence, and certainly have pain waiting ahead when they lose their parents to old age and death, if they indeed have good family relationships. Life is HARD. For everyone-- yes, even the lucky ones. I am willing to bet he has challenges in some area of life, be that at work relationships, or struggling with a particular weakness in learning or life. You need to accept his vulnerabilities. Maybe you need to ask more questions and get him to open up to you about what he struggles with. As for the man with a horrible childhood...are you sure he was being truthful, and not simply playing you knowing that you had had similar struggles? Make sure your own vulnerabilities don't make you fall prey to a good sob story. I get the sense he may have at least been exaggerating so that he could share an experience with you.As others have said, do good elsewhere wherever you can. Perhaps some day you can adopt a less fortunate child from your own country or another country where conditions for children without parents are rough. Then you could pour your understanding and compassion into doing some serious good.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 June 2019):
 Volunteer, OP
With kids or the elderly or even animals. Or even find a job/education that leans towards the more nurturing fields.
We all know that people, like you, wit ha high degree of empathy are honestly rare.
I know it feels good to be NEEDED. But what you had with the other man was more of a "birds of a feather" than actual love.
Use that empathy and caring for good.
And regardless of what bond you felt with this guy, you need to let him go or let your BF go. It's not fair on your BF that you yearn for someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2019): Being the first to answer your post, I'd say put that nurturing-spirit of yours to good-use. Not just rescuing damaged-people you feel sorry for; but actually volunteering or taking up a side-profession where you actually get to care for people. You'd probably make an excellent counselor.
You first have to learn to detach your own problems from those of others; because projecting your pain onto others can cause you to regress in your own mental-health recovery. Wallowing around in misery all the time with people is bad for the spirit; and it drains you of positive-energy, and could drive you into depression.
Don't confuse empathy and compassion with love. You can have empathy and compassion for a total stranger. Don't get caught-up with seeking people you feel are of kindred-spirit; because misery loves company. His pain and past may be relatable, but you have to move-on. Someone already cares for you, and waited for you.
You have to be around a healthy environment, and enjoy healthy relationships; or you will start to relive some of your old painful past. Your own PTSD is resting just beneath the surface. Time and your boyfriend are part of your healing-process. If you haven't fully recovered, being in an unhealthy environment with someone severely damaged and requiring professional-counseling could delay or undo your own healing. Causing his co-dependence on you could be hampering his!
You nurture children, and if you want to be a nurse or counselor; you choose a profession that requires those types of skills. You were growing co-dependent with the man abroad, and he was not healthy for you. You were inadvertently growing addicted to that dark and troubled-environment. He was slowly pulling you under.
Comeback into the light, sweetheart! You deserve a healthier love, and someday you can nurture children; or help people through charitable work and volunteering. You really should consider choosing a profession that you may have a special-calling for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2019): Volunteering and therapy. Therapy to help you be okay with not always being needed and volunteering (hands on roles) to help put that urge to good use. I'm a nurturer too, but we can't mother people, so you need to find an outlet that REQUIRES you to help people/animals and volunteering is the best way to do that. You may find a true passion for a particular type of volunteering and it will enrich you as much as you help the cause.
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