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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: How do I fight the unpleasantness I feel when I need to: set boundaries, stand up for myself, say no...I've ALWAYS had this problem. I grew up with a single mother, who was a strong, smart and a funny woman. She was kind and loving and proud that she had such a great kid. Me being great not only meant kind, smart, hardworking... but also a kid that wasn't making any problems. And I mean EVER. I never argued or fought, made or had problems in school, created fuss/drama when I was a teenager, never experimented with drugs, never drank... I mean you get the picture. My bfs were nice too.However, I used to have a very high tolerance for needy people, narcissistic types, drama queens AND kings... most of them I simply inherited, like family or family friends, others were the ones I met in life and I couldn't avoid (like bosses at work). I was never blind to their ways, so as a grown up I would avoid them if possible. But, whenever I had to deal with these types I would feel strong unpleasantness before the idea that I had to take action to defend myself. Whenever I would refuse something that was unfair, most of them just kept pushing and some of the time they would get their way. Sometimes they would change the tactic. Instead of sheer pressure, they would lie and manipulate me to get me to do things for them. Basically, I would need to be put in a really hard position in order to step up and do something. I was never rude or aggressive, just resolute. That's what makes those people resent me and tell stories about me that are not true, preferring to have ZERO relationship with me, than to change the relation we have into something healthier. They just want me to play a certain character in their "life-movies". If I can't or especially if I can but don't want to, well the, they have no use for me. So intellectually I see what's going on and know what I should do. I just can't understand for the life of me, why it feels so unpleasant and stressful.One example: ten years ago a cousin asked me if she could come and stay with my family for a "couple of weeks" since she had lost her job and had no place to stay. I wanted to say no. I really did. She had already lived with me twice before (same circumstances) and I knew that she would try to prolong her stay. Before saying yes, I sat down and defined "couple of weeks" and other details (that she should participate in the bills for the things she uses). As you might guess, she stayed for almost a year. I LET her stay. She kept blackmailing me (emotionally), lying and manipulating. She lied about looking for work, about her family and friends not wanting to let her stay with them for a while (I lived in a better neighborhood). But there's one thing I really found appalling. She lied about how much she had saved up so that she wouldn't have to cover her part of the bills. I'm not kidding. She claimed she had barely enough money to cover the food, while she had over 15 000 dollars in her account. I understand that this sum doesn't make you rich, but she lied. And even then, when I found out (my youngest was going through the "postman phase" and would deliver the mail to us, after having opened it and wrapped it in a "prettier envelope") I didn't ask her to leave, I sat down to talk with her and ask her to start acting with respect. It took me another two months to fight this feeling of unpleasantness and ask her to leave. So you get the picture. Is there something I can do to fight this? Start dealing with these kinds of people more efficiently?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2022): You are scared that people will not like you, you want to be popular, so you hedge, fluff, come here and say it to us instead of to the person that matters. You cannot have it both ways. Either you have life the way you want it and need it or you give in to people and have them walk all over you. The thing is that people don't like or respect doormats anyway.
You can bend over backwards and do lots for them and they still only want you when you are a convenience. Has this ever occurred to you? Your cousin only bothered with you to have somewhere very cheap to stay. Not to be with YOU. You are petrified that if you put your foot down and say no these people disappear. Yes they will. Because they do not want you they want what you can give them or do for them.
You are still better off without them.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 January 2022):
 Learning to set boundaries takes time and well, commitment.
My advice? Start out with something easy to say no to. Just because you WANT to say no. It's OK to say no! And it's OK to say yes. Being kind, being helpful, supporting family, friends and strangers alike is OK. BUT we all have some limits or boundaries.
Secondly, LISTEN to your gut. When your cousin asked to live with you for the SECOND time your GUT said no. LISTEN to that and BE OK with saying, I'm sorry I can't house you at the moment, money is tight. Have you asked Aunt "thisorthat"? Or so and so? Pass on the monkey to the people who PASSED it on to you.
My husband LOVED to "sign me up" for various volunteering stuff even though I am quite capable to make up my mind. At some point, I had to put my foot down and tell my husband that NO, I wasn't going to babysit or cook for 40 kids a week after surgery. And guess what? HE had to babysit and HE had to cook for 40 people. So now, he ASKS me first if I want to help out or not. I get to choose. And I am WAY more inclined to say yes when I GET the choice.
YOU also have a choice. EVERY time. Remember that. If that choice is no. THAT is OK.
FA puts it so nicely. When you let your cousin MOOCH on you for a year, YOU agree to take resources away from yourself, your kids, your spouse etc. It's OK to say no. So being kind is at YOUR cost and should be YOUR choice.
Maybe read Chase Hill's book :
Assertiveness Training: How to Stand Up for Yourself, Boost Your Confidence, and Improve Assertive Communication Skills
Or his book:
Healthy Boundaries: How to Set Strong Boundaries, Say No Without Guilt, and Maintain Good Relationships With Your Parents, Family, and Friends
But know this, It's OK to say no. It doesn't make you a LESS kind person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2022): I'm sorry to say this, but people who try to be people-pleasers usually get the shaft. More aggressive people will walk all over you. I'm speaking from experience; not a place of haughtiness or self-righteousness. I've been where you are; so I know firsthand what you're trying to convey to us. I'm still a pushover, when I want be; but as I've grown older and more experienced, people pretty much know how far to push me, and they know where I stand. It took years to develop it; and I still need work on it. It's sort of a lifetime self-improvement project. It's hard to say no to people I love; but there is a time when I have no other sensible choice.
You'll develop a thicker skin when you've been pushed and manipulated enough. You've got a high tolerance for being used; and nobody can talk you into a place of standing-up for yourself. You have to learn that through the school of hard-knocks. We'll all do our best to encourage and advise you; but you're the one who has to put your beliefs and principles into action.
God blesses those who are generous, compassionate, and giving. He doesn't tell us to allow people to use these virtuous attributes against us; He does expect us to use discernment and prudence when dealing with other people. If you don't have it, you pray for it; and He'll give to you. It takes courage to stand your ground, and to say "no." He'll give you that too, just for the asking. You practice it over and over; until it becomes a refined part of your personality and character. This is a matter of self-improvement and growth. It takes time and effort. It is reinforced by common sense.
Never succumb to the flaws in our human nature; just develop survival-skills to contend with them, especially when they become a challenge to your personal wellbeing through the actions and behavior of others.
Being a pushover doesn't actually make people like you; it usually makes them disrespect you. It makes them think less of you; because they know that if they were in your shoes, they wouldn't be so pliable or weak. They will take advantage of what they perceive to be weakness, or stupidity; but it's up to you to realize when you're being punked, and when you should stand-up to it. When it happens over and over, you've finally reached your saturation point, and when you've reached the last straw; that's when you'll decide enough is enough! No matter what we say here, no matter how precisely we try to advise you; you'll develop strength and wisdom from experience. Through grace, God sends His Holy Spirit to give the kind-hearted the courage, wisdom, and strength we may lack. I try not to leave out God as a source, and resource; because it's my Christian duty. Feel free to ignore it, I don't shove my beliefs down anyone's throat. It's just another avenue of wisdom and advice I can share with you. I'm not apologizing for it, just allowing you your space and right to choose.
You've articulated who you are and what you stand for so well; that I find it hard to believe you have such a problem. Whether you realize it or not, the very fact that you've written this post is an indication that you're about to reach an epiphany. You are growing and very cognizant of your faults. You are already on your way; but what you needed from us was some encouragement. My dear, I've been there and done that! You've got me behind you; but I think that power is already there, and you've yet to tap into it.
God is a powerful force and resource without limitations. If you are an unbeliever, you can ignore all references to Him. These opinions are my own, and not representative of the beliefs of Dear Cupid. I don't apologize for my beliefs; but Jesus suggests I gently urge you in His direction. He makes a way when there is no way. If you find what I've said all a bunch of bunk; that's okay, I won't take it personally. You have a freedom of choice; and I have no right to force anything on you. Even God doesn't force Himself on anybody. He loves when we come to Him willingly.
If you'll consider my advice in it's entirety; I hope I've been of some good use. I will pray that it's of some use to you. God is loving, kind, and He is on your side when you do right by others; although, your kindness can be abused or exploited. Don't feel ashamed for being kind, don't be regretful for being compassionate and generous; just learn where to place your boundaries, and be as bold about your principles as others are in trying to use you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2022): I have been going through the same exact situation like you ...of bing too good for the general mass...I am 36 and I have had quite abit of that drama ...I have now realised I need to detect the signs and symptoms so to speak in the first few times wen I meet someone and set boundaries immediately or all together avoid the person . I also have realised that most of those people take it personally when you say NO...and react abit negatively ....It’s at that point I know that the person is a user or Narcissistic ...
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 January 2022):
 So it was her netting 1250 per month while living with you that finally put you over the edge. You are a generous person at heart. This is a good thing. You don't want to act as the judge of other people. This is also a good thing.
I do understand what your problem is. You want to maintain the good feeling about yourself, but you don't want to be taken advantage of. Mostly you need to act faster, and also you need to remind yourself of the deeper truth more often. Reminding yourself of the deeper truth will help you act faster.
Deep truth 1. Handouts make beggars. When you become the support for someone the become entitled to that support and lose the ability to support themselves. You really didn't help your cousin become independent by housing her for free for a year. You helped her be comfortable with doing less than she could have.
Deep truth 2. Your assets are limited. If you help one person too much there will be nothing for the next. Many users only see what they can get personally, and not the overall need for charity. While your cousin was living with you , you had less space and less food, and less money for your own children. You were less able to care for others because she had staked claim to all of your surplus.
So when you are contemplating enforcing a reasonable boundary tell yourself that the truth is that you are not taking support from the needy, you are graciously helping them to become the great kind of person you are. And if they snub you for a while, don't worry they will be back:
Either because they have succeeded in learning what you taught, or because they need another lesson. You will always have the poor.
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