A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I haven't ever really been close to my parents, and I left home as soon as I could aged 16. I moved away from my hometown 4 years ago and haven't really seen my parents other then family parties ever since. I guess a lot of it is my bad relationship with my dad. He treated every single one of us disgustingly, he was a bully and a wife beater. Despite years of abuse my mum never left him or stopped him for hitting any of us children so when I could I walked away. I remained close to my sisters, and I see them all the time. Their relationships are similar to mine, but they still see them regularly and have a "good" relationship.I'm getting married next year, and while my boyfriend knows and understands why I no longer speak to my parents much, his parents constantly ask if when they are going to meet them, or if they are coming to the wedding. I don't want everyone knowing my business but I can't keep making up excuses. My boyfriend says I should think about inviting them to the evening do, but I feel it would just bring more questions. Apart from birthday and Christmas cards, which are given to my aunt to pass on or in the post, my parents haven't done anything for me in the past seven years, and I feel awful for saying it but I don't want them as our wedding. My sisters don't understand either but they know why, I feel I can talk to them about the issue, but my boyfriends parents and family, I can't. I'm ashamed to admit that I have no relationship with them, and that I hate my dad for everything he put us through as children. I get that my boyfriend was trying to help suggesting that they only come to the evening do to stop peoples questions nearer the time but I don't even think they would come if we did invite them honestly. Please help me, either advice on how to explain to my parents in law why my parents won't be there or how to deal with this and make everyone happy.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 February 2015):
 I would be honest with your in-laws. Auntie Bim Bim put it pretty well.
There is nothing to be ashamed off. You did what was right for YOU. Now they may not totally get it, but hopefully them hearing the truth will have them stop asking and accept your wishes of NOT including your parents.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): I'm sorry to hear you went through that. Planning your wedding will draw up a lot of the past and those feelings.Your fiancé's family obviously have no clue what it is like to have family issues and are therefore getting wrapped up in the stereotypical excitement. Whilst you owe no one an explanation, I think you need to advise them that you do not have a relationship with your parents because your father was a violent man. Explain whilst you appreciate their enthusiasm it is highly likely you will not invite them, due to a lack of any remorse regarding how you and your sisters were treated. Google the lady who uninvited her parents from her wedding, she told them that they were not welcome. You're certainly not alone. Just remember you wedding is about YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. No one else. The people who come to watch you both make a promise to live your lives together should be the people who love you both. If your family have not offered that support or played any part in your life, why should they be there? My wedding was complicated because of family but I did not allow myself to be guilt tripped into inviting certain family, just because they're family.If you don't see them in your day to day life why should they share one of the most special days of your life?It is not selfish, you have your reasons and any one who would judge your decisions wouldn't be at your wedding anyway - because it is a place for friends and loved ones. Your future husband could explain to his parents for you, and let them know you do not like talking about it. Whatever happens do what you and your husband want to do, no one else x
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 February 2015):
 You may need to be blunt, but pick the time and place, "I won't be inviting my parents to the wedding, I have not spoken to them for seven years, my father was a bully who beat me as a child and my mother let him do it. I hope you understand that I find it difficult to talk about this, and that you wont press me for more information."
If they persist just tell them it hurts too much to talk about it and don't be drawn.
Congratulations on your coming marriage, I wish you a long and happy life together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): Happy families can't understand dysfunctional families.
It is NOT their reality. They can't imagine another reality.Can't imagine how bad it can get/has been for some people.
Since your bf's family seems more normal and he already knows, I wonder whether he'll help you explain to his parents why yours won't be at the wedding and why they might never meet them? Or at least be there whilst you break it to them?
You can't make everyone happy. That is nigh on impossible.
It's your wedding. Make yourself happy! ps: and your sisters will already be there,so your family is already there! No need to explain anything to anyone else!
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