A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been engaged for 9 months. We started off hot and heavy, and then we kind of petered out into what I thought was a normal functioning relationship. we moved in together in my parents house 3 months after getting engaged (which was wayyy to fast, I know that now) Also, I happened to get pregnant. We were too young, and my body couldn't support it. But for the 2 weeks before I miscarried, I thought we were both really happy about it. He even supported me, let me cry on him and so on when I did lose it. Then, in the following months, he was put under a lot of pressure to get a job (he had been laid off, and he couldn't find one for a year). He grew depressed, and he has since distanced himself from me. I try to be there for him, but he gets annoyed, or ignores me. He used to love to hold me, and tell me he cared about me, and that he loved me. He's not overly romantic, and neither am I, but I have noticed a change. I chalked it up to his depressive state. One night he cried to me how sad and upset he was and how he hated his life, and how he was really thinking about suicide. I then held him and tried to get him treatment. Since he's found a job, he's been much happier. However, I've been noticing strange texts on his phone from girls i don't know. They've been occurring since July as far as I can tell. I know this is wrong, but I wanted to know who these girls were so I searched his (multiple) emails. He's been sending messages to girls claiming he's single and asking if they'd like to chat. This really hurt me. The first few I found, i confronted him. He got angry, claiming he had done so much for me, how could I not trust him? I was so afraid of losing him that I let it go. But now there are more. He's emailed about 10 girls in the last few days. Those that have responded know his number, text him/call him frequently while he's at work. I told him very clearly (trying not to accuse) that I wouldn't say anything as long as these little flings stayed ONLINE and there was no nudity or sharing of pics or going off and meeting eachother. He sort of agreed. He told me he doesn't think just talking to these girls is wrong. I haven't told him that I know he's telling them he's single, but I have told him that I think chatting them up is wrong. But I did promise not to say anything. I really do care about him. I've been in love with and continue to be in love with him. I don't want to give up on something that used to be so good. Especially since I've invested so much time and effort into this relationship. He tells me he still loves me, that he'd never cheat. however, his definition of cheating is having sex. I really feel that he is still cheating. How do I explain to him how he's hurting me without making him angry?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): Here it is in a nutshell. This fiance of yours is not an emotionally stable person and he is not ready to get married....he is dependent on you for security living with your folks and all.
Your definition of cheating is texting and emailing women and telling them that you are single and why would he do that really if he had no intention of meeting them somewhere in real life? He wouldn't. Wake up.
You sound desperate to hold onto "something that used to be so good". And you have "invested so much time into this relationship".
You have learned something about your boyfriend that you didn't know, he is not ready to be married and wants to be single. He told you he hated his life, well aren't you part of that life? That tells me that he is in no way ready for the responsibilities of adulthood and marriage and having babies.
It is a whole lot easier to get a cheating fiance out of your parents house, then it is to go through a painful divorce with a baby in diapers and you share a place together.
Do not make the biggest mistake of your life. Break up with him and stop being so dependent on him. He isn't the man you thougt he was and you can't fix him...he has to do that on his own....By you promising not to say anything you are telling him you will tolerate his cheating and texting and emailing and what not to other women pretending to be single....don't they call a person like that a liar?
Your investment of time has come to an end, now invest that time and energy into yourself and getting a great education and learning how to support yourself without having to be dependent on a man for that. Men die, men leave, so you had better have something in mind to do to make a living besides being just a wife and mother.
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