A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:How do I end a friends with benefits thing? I'm 18 and he's 21 and we were friends for about a year and a half before we started sleeping together basically, and he took my virginity. There was a point before we had sex where I thought I had feelings for him, but I think I was getting the friendship mixed with lust. Now that I think back, and it sounds kind of bad, I never really thought about being in a relationship with him, mostly just having sex. After we did I guess I just wanted more of it, but at the same time it was a little frustrating that we never cuddled. It was just talk, sex, talk then go home. Sometimes I was totally fine with that and other times I wasn't. The last time we got together was about a month ago and it was the same thing. Whilst I really enjoyed the sex, I want to end it now and just go back to being friends. If I did have feelings for him in the past they are gone, but at the same time I no longer want to have sex with someone who doesn't love me and I don't love him. Whilst I don't really regret losing my virginity to someone I knew and cared about as a friend, I want my next time to be special. I've met someone new now and I think this has the potential to be something special, although it's early days. But recently my "friend" has gotten into touch again and I know he's soon going to ask to meet up again but I'm done with that now. I really like this new guy and want to see where it goes. How do I tell him that in a way that we can still be friends? Just friends. Realistically I still find him attractive but will probably still be attracted to him when I see him in general, but I don't want to be intimate like that with him anymore. How do I tell him?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 October 2017):
 Once you began sleeping together your friendship was forever changed.
I'm afraid you can't go back to being what you were before sex so my suggestion is to either ghost him or send him an email saying you've met someone new, wish him the best then block and delete.
You don't need a response and you're already a bit vulnerable where he is concerned, I suspect, so don't wait about for one.
Cut once so both of you can move on sooner.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2017): Just end it. I doubt he’ll want to be your friend and if you’re still attracted to him you could end up having sex again. Don’t tell the new man about this. Move on and imo fwb is never a good arrangement. I’ve never done it and never will. Most women end up with feelings and disspointed or hurt by the situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2017): Now that you've met someone new, it is best to end the old FWB connection completely. Cut all ties! Even if the new guy doesn't workout. Old habits are hard to break!
Don't leave a doorway or avenue open that would invite temptation or re-visitation. An old-friend who used to share your body will always feel rights to it. Especially guys! Some guys are extremely territorial. They will pretend that your moving-on is okay; but remaining friends will leave him the opportunity to attempt to sabotage your new relationship(s). He might have second-thoughts, and the thought of you with somebody else might not process too well.
You don't need the distraction of your past connection with the other guy; because his ego may not accept being rejected for the sexual-benefits he used to receive regularly. It will be hard for him to just stop. So be honest with him, and tell him that you will be moving on; because you are now looking for something meaningful, and what you have shared lasted longer than you wanted it to.
You don't have to explain you are seeing someone else. It's none of his business. You want the option available to be with a guy exclusively, without complications or any hindrance from the past. Don't give him anyway to get ahead of you with the next guy to poison his opinion of you. He does not need to know who it is. You need opportunity to share your past on your own terms and when you feel the time is right. Most people, male or female, don't want to know all your hookups from the past. If they're actively in your life, you have to explain too many details to stay ahead of what they might expose before you do.
Let me explain something to you. It is never a good idea to allow sex to be your purpose for being with someone. Just because it feels good and it is convenient. Some people don't/won't just stop; or want to be pushed aside when you want to end it, or take a time-out. Then you have to deal with the drama of undoing that FWB connection before you can be focused on someone else. They may not go willingly, and may decide to make your little secret known.
It will come-up in discussion what your connection was to the guy who was a FWB; and you will have to be honest. If you won't explain it truthfully, he could tell to spite you. If he is that sort of a guy. You never know. So it's best to strike preemptively just in-case. Then nothing will be sprung on the new guy as a surprise. The new guy should also be understanding and mature enough to deal with the fact you are no longer a virgin, and your past is your business. Take it or leave it.
I hope your friend is not a mean or vindictive guy. If there really was a truly friendly-element in your affair; he would wish you well, and will agree without protest.
One of the rules of being a FWB, is not interfering with romantic-interests that comes along for either one of the two involved. Most don't just respect that rule. There may be resentment or jealousy that comes between you. It doesn't have to be due to feelings for you; but arise from a sense of ownership and dependency. He will deny the jealousy or may even claim to be protective of you, saying he sees something wrong with your choices. Best to eliminate that possibility. To leave your slate clean, and your options wide-open to do exactly as you choose. He's a big-boy and he can handle being let-go. If he can't, let it be a lesson to you about the downside of having FWB connections.
Trying to be friends will leave him the excuse to drop-by unexpectedly, call you at inconvenient times, show-up wherever you and the new-guy decide to hangout; or just text you randomly to remind you both he's still around. You don't need any of that.
The entire connection has to be broken and ended; because you will relapse to a cycle of going back and forth. Temptation for something you miss will arise, and he can manipulate those feelings. If something real becomes of your new interest; his male-ego may not like just being the guy you used. So he has to go. Cut all ties, and go no contact.
Human nature is unpredictable; which is why you have to sometimes do the logical thing, over choosing the emotional thing. You may miss him or feel sorry for him; but that will be an albatross around your neck. Holding you down and keeping you away from meaningful relationships. That connection was created from pleasure and release. No true emotional connection was ever felt in a romantic-way; but that's what you really wanted, and deserve.
I suggest that you breakup with him. Not worry about his reaction, because he doesn't own you. He is older than you, and he has the advantage of experience and age to get him through it. Easier than it might be for someone closer to your age.
He may not like it; but if he really is a good guy and he thinks well of you, he will not get in your way.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2017):
 Tell him the truth. It is obvious there is no feelings between you both it is just sex and nothing more. So be honest with him, tell him you still want to be friends with him but you have met someone and you want to stop the FWB arrangement.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (27 October 2017):
Why not use the reason that you would like to see where things go with this new man, without the complication of a FWB to explain. Tell him simply that you want more and your new beau might be that- no need to go into detail. If he protests, he tells you that he wants to be your boyfriend, you can say 'I'm sorry, but your actions didn't tell me that- you stuck with the status quo, you should have done something about it when you had the chance, that ship has sailed etc'As previous aunties have said, he may not be able to be'friends without benefits' but by and large this would be a good thing as it may threaten your burgeoning relationship with this new man, who rightly may feel threatened but a friend you used to sleep with. FWB has its limits, you found them, good Luck with this new guy
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 October 2017):
 Just be honest.
Tell him, I am done with the "benefits" if you still want to be friends (and I would like to keep being friends) then there will be no more sex.
He might choose to cut you loose if he isn't getting sex. And THAT you have to accept.
And YOU might also want to consider that going back to "just" being friends perhaps isn't a good choice. Any guy you are going to date from here on out is not going to be a big fan of having a GF who is still friends with a guy she used to fuck.
There is no need to worry about this, JUST tell him.
He'll find someone else to have sex with without the commitment of a relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 October 2017):
 Piece of cake !
You just tell him: "thanks but no thanks. I'm done .". Or variations of the above.
Maybe you think that when you turn him down he will feel offended and will not want to be your platonic friend anymore, but, let me be cynical, ( realistic , actually ). Yes , chances are that he will lose most ,or ALL of his interest in being friends with you and keeping in touch- but this will be due not not to your having irreparably hurt his feelings, as instead to the fact that if you don't put out he hasn't got much use for you. I am pretty sure he's got other friends he can talk and hang out with, and that if you were such a vital relationship in his circle of friends a ) he would not have turned you into his booty call b) you'd see him more often than once a month.
Don't get me wrong, it's nice that when you get together for sex you can at least take it up a notch from mindless physical relief by having a little conversation before and / or after, but... friendship ? Really ? I hope for both of you that you both have deeper, closer friends .
Plus, FWBs are transient things by their own nature. They can last a good while... or also be truncated abruptly and suddenly, because either one has met other people, or simply because either one has seen all the repertory and had enough. After all, there's a limit of times that you can keep seeing the same movie , no matter how great it is. And most people ( note that I said " people ", including men too ) tend to get bored of emotionless and passionless sex, no matter how technically good it is.
So, it should not come at all as a surprise to him that at some point you had enough. It's normal and expectable, and it could have beem him to get tired at any moment; you just were faster. I am not saying that this could not be a pinprick to his ego, but, eehhh OP, you really can't worry about everybody's ego in this big wide world.
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