A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Trust Issues: I posted a question yesterday about finding a text my boyfriend of 7 months sent a female friend of his telling her he missed her. I received very insightful responses reminding me it was wrong to read his text messages in the first place and I should check my own insecurities. I really appreciate that and am taking it to heart. I love this guy and we are exclusive. I have never been a jealous girlfriend before and don't want to become one now. I believe to build trust I have to try trusting him first.However, I am still nervous about how to deal with this friendship. When I first met him, he told me this girl was someone he was never attracted to. Knowing that made me feel secure and not jealous of their friendship. She had a boyfriend for a while but I believe they just broke up. I found out about a month ago through accidental conversation, that he HAD been interested in her. I told him I didn't care because he and I were together now and that is all that mattered. I truly meant that and felt okay. They had not talked for months anyway so I figured it wouldn't come up. I wasn't looking for any secrets when I read his texts. I was just looking for a message he had sent me that I had erased and I wanted to read it again. The advice I need now is how to handle this friendship between he and this girl if it is being rekindled without coming across as the jealous and insecure girlfriend. It isn't like they were friends for years but only for a few months before he and I met. I just know that I would not keep a friendship with someone I had recently been interested in while I am in a committed relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): As the question-asker, I really appreciate all of these responses. Each one is helpful. I agree that men and women can be just friends. I have many guy friends myself. I have no issue with him having female friends. My main issue with this one is that he lied in the beginning of our relationship by telling me they weren't attracted to one another. So finding out he had been interested in her was disconcerting. However, I can overlook that because we were starting out and I'm sure no guy wants to tell a new girl he's interested in that he was interested in someone else recently. I just think it is dangerous to rekindle or maintain a "friendship" with someone you were recently interested in romantically when you are in a relatively new committed relationship. I think 7 mos is still relatively new. I have always been supportive of his friendships (male or female) and not voiced or shown any jealousy. But my trust can be easily broken and I don't want that to happen.
A
male
reader, texmex556 +, writes (14 December 2009):
As a man all I can say is that YES it is possible to have female friends while you're in a relatonsip/marriage.. I have many female friends & I tell my wife abiut them and vice versa...Just as my wife has many male friends, it's all about trust.....
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A
female
reader, brownie09 +, writes (14 December 2009):
i have gone through the same thing with my boyfriend of 5 years. all i can say is that you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel about his friendship with her. try meeting her and getting to know her better. the important thing to remember is that communication is the most important thing in a relationship. i made the mistake of telling him that if he wanted to be with her that i would break up wth him. i was jealous because i felt that she was a better person for him than i was and when we talked it out they were more like sister and brother. just remember to tell him how you feel or you might say something you will regret later
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): "I received very insightful responses reminding me it was wrong to read his text messages in the first place...." do not let the aunts here dictate to you. this is a very liberal site and we tend to condone "trivial" things like looking at text messages.
i havn't read your other post, but when you are in a relationship/ marriage there should not be any secrets. just speak to partners/spouses who trusted and was burnt in the process. so called 'friendship" have been known to destroy relationships.
what is a friend? when does frienship cross boundaries? when a 'friend" becomes a third person in a relationship then what. better be observant and know who the 3rd person is, than be wilfully blind only to have the rug pulled from underneath you. i am not telling you to be a spy but to be aware that so called "friendships" are destroying committed ones. just read the stories on DC.
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